Killing yourself years later for sake of family?

[casctb]

Anyone want to kill themselves now but either can't due to limited opportunities for resources or wanting to give your family more time with you?

 

[NekoNomNom]

Absolutely. Having a child and feeling this way is just the worst.

 

[NotMeant2B]

I haven't logged in on here for some time now. It is surprising for me to see that the moment I decide to check on the forum, I find this very post which describes my particular situation.

My desire to live died a long ago, I cannot work properly, and that's all I was left with when my hopes for the future died. So I have to work very hard to obtain only mediocre results, just to survive another day so my family don't implode.

Knowing it will be a long and empty life, and seeing how every one of my relatives are so self-centered, I may as well do it sooner. I'm sorry but I don't have sympathy for selfish people.

 

[jrums]

Anyone want to kill themselves now but either can't due to limited opportunities for resources or wanting to give your family more time with you?

Yes I have put it off for a few years for my mother's sake. But this brain and body damage from SSRIs hasn't improved at all and is permanent and too severe so I will have to go through with it soon. I can't put myself through this anymore.

 

[casctb]

I haven't logged in on here for some time now. It is surprising for me to see that the moment I decide to check on the forum, I find this very post which describes my particular situation.

My desire to live died a long ago, I cannot work properly, and that's all I was left with when my hopes for the future died. So I have to work very hard to obtain only mediocre results, just to survive another day so my family don't implode.

Knowing it will be a long and empty life, and seeing how every one of my relatives are so self-centered, I may as well do it sooner. I'm sorry but I don't have sympathy for selfish people.

Very sad to hear that but if you don't mind me asking, what do you mean when you say you survive so your family won't implode?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Yes. Kind of. I moved in with my father in January, because I lost my job and home. My first attempts were when I lived alone. I'm trying to wait so I can ctb somewhere else, because I don't want him to have to find my body. So it's not necessarily that I want to give them more time for me, I just hate the idea of my father finding me. I don't know if I can wait much longer though, and if I can't, I'm going to try and do it so where my brother finds me instead. He lives here too. I'm pretty sure he's a psychopath and won't be devastated by it.

Yes I have put it off for a few years for my mother's sake. But this brain and body damage from SSRIs hasn't improved at all and is permanent and too severe so I will have to go through with it soon. I can't put myself through this anymore.

SSRIs ruined me too. I have a good idea of the pain you're in. They gave me akathisia, which I'm still battling eight months after I stopped. Total anhedonia, non-existent libido or even romantic desire. Worst drug I've ever taken, and I used to be an opiate addict (even shooting up heroin) years ago. I was able to recover from years of that kind of abuse in a relatively short time, but I think these damn antidepressants finally beat me.

 

[casctb]

Yes. Kind of. I moved in with my father in January, because I lost my job and home. My first attempts were when I lived alone. I'm trying to wait so I can ctb somewhere else, because I don't want him to have to find my body. So it's not necessarily that I want to give them more time for me, I just hate the idea of my father finding me. I don't know if I can wait much longer though, and if I can't, I'm going to try and do it so where my brother finds me instead. He lives here too. I'm pretty sure he's a psychopath and won't be devastated by it.


SSRIs ruined me too. I have a good idea of the pain you're in. They gave me akathisia, which I'm still battling eight months after I stopped. Total anhedonia, non-existent libido or even romantic desire. Worst drug I've ever taken, and I used to be an opiate addict (even shooting up heroin) years ago. I was able to recover from years of that kind of abuse in a relatively short time, but I think these damn antidepressants finally beat me.

Your SSRI experience sounds truly awful. Taking any type of prescription drugs scare me with the stories other people have given.

As for your reasoning for delaying your suicide, it is similar to mine. I live with my family, so sometimes I get the chance to be alone for several hours but I don't want them to find my body, especially my little brother. Though I have become increasingly impatient with staying alive so I will have to wait.

 

[NotMeant2B]

Very sad to hear that but if you don't mind me asking, what do you mean when you say you survive so your family won't implode?

I mean that I have to take care of myself to stay alive even though I don't want to live another day just so my family won't be sad. By family I mean parents, siblings and close relatives, I don't have a family of my own.

I said it that way because suicide is seen as one of the most tragic ways to die because people think that it is avoidable in every case, even though that's not true; and it comes with a ripple effect of guilt and maybe even the same symptoms of depression that one once experienced.

Edit: about the specifics on the choice of "implode" as an adjective for that situation, there isn't much cohesion in my family and I happen to be the center because I don't take sides, I just want some peace y'know.

 

[casctb]

I mean that I have to take care of myself to stay alive even though I don't want to live another day just so my family won't be sad. By family I mean parents, siblings and close relatives, I don't have a family of my own.

I said it that way because suicide is seen as one of the most tragic ways to die because people think that it is avoidable in every case, even though that's not true; and it comes with a ripple effect of guilt and maybe even the same symptoms of depression that one once experienced.

Edit: about the specifics on the choice of "implode" as an adjective for that situation, there isn't much cohesion in my family and I happen to be the center because I don't take sides, I just want some peace y'know.

I see what you're saying and I can relate to those same feelings you have about suicide and your family. I wish for your peace, my friend.

 

[Darksektori]

You know I would stick around for them but there's this real stupid thing I have, its called logic!

 

[TowerUpright]

I'm staying around just till my family is in a better place emotionallu and financially before Ctb.

That being said, there are times when my wife gets snappy or just passive aggressive, and it makes we wish I had 8 hours or so for SN. Probably help if I had a partner.

 

[casctb]

You know I would stick around for them but there's this real stupid thing I have, its called logic!

What do you mean by that?

 

[Darksektori]

What do you mean by that?

Sticking around for someone else is illogical
Its selfish if anyone expects you to, not really fair to you is it?
Especially if your situation is unbearable

 

[Close_to_freedom]

I was going to wait til my parents died and I cared so much, but now I don't. I'm the one who has to suffer every day, not them.

 

[casctb]

Sticking around for someone else is illogical
Its selfish if anyone expects you to, not really fair to you is it?
Especially if your situation is unbearable

Yeah I agree. When I started believing this, I've been more at peace and made me want to kill myself even more now but I do want to be considerate to others with my death.

I was going to wait til my parents died and I cared so much, but now I don't. I'm the one who has to suffer every day, not them.

Honestly letting go of caring about people's reaction to my death and starting to care more about my own way out of suffering, I no longer am willing to wait as long as I planned originally.

 

[Darksektori]

Yeah I agree. When I started believing this, I've been more at peace and made me want to kill myself even more now but I do want to be considerate to others with my death.

Honestly letting go of caring about people's reaction to my death and starting to care more about my own way out of suffering, I no longer am willing to wait as long as I planned originally.

"Nothing in my life has ever made me want to commit suicide more than people's reaction to my trying to commit suicide."
-Emilie Autumn

 

[Fragile]

yes, I have every resource I need including the desire to do it, but I'm waiting until my family is in a more stable place before I actually go through with it. however, things are not going well for them and every day they sink a bit lower into financial debts, relationship struggles and health issues. if I didn't have anyone to hurt with my death then I would be long since dead by now.

but if things keep going this way I may do it sooner than later, no point on living only for others, regardless of how much I love them.

 

[Darksektori]

"Nothing in my life has ever made me want to commit suicide more than people's reaction to my trying to commit suicide."
-Emilie Autumn

Even if you were worried how others would react to you CTB its usually just not enough for us.

 

[Cashewmilk]

What if you're a huge burden to your family? My family takes every opportunity to remind me that I'll end up homeless if something were to happen to them.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Nope. I am not gonna suffer for years for the sake of my family. They will get over it.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I'm waiting because of my mom

 

[TAW122]

In the past I had this same concern too and especially during slightly 'better' and more 'tolerable' times, however, in the recent years I just can't subject myself to an indefinite many years just so they aren't heartbroken. Even in the last month when my father caught wind of my future plan to CTB, I still (in the back of my mind) decided that I am going to go if things really suck, regardless of how he, mother, family, acquaintances feel about it. This is my life and no other person lives my life. With that said, while I do feel bad, I do not wish to stick around for potentially decades until they are gone. Life isn't going to get better (and even if it does, it will suck immensely in the future - not just with the pandemic but other shit too). So in short, I still want to die and I am working on making it as painless as possible (preferably away from home, somewhere secluded, and of course letters and notes to bring closure).

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yes. I have been suicidal for years but hang on miserably in limbo for my mom and 1 other special person. I have reached the point of not caring and deciding to ctb anyway only to back out later terrified I'll kill my mom too if I ctb. Im trying so so hard to improve life so I can just stick around for 2 people but it's hard and 1 step forward is 10 steps back it seems. I worry I'm more of a burden on them if I'm alive though.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I feel I've made a reasonable assessment of the severity of the impact my death will cause, and how long the grieving will potentially last, but I have massive respect for anyone with the will to stay around out of consideration of others.

I can relate to a small degree because I'm life bound until lockdown finishes. There's no way I'm letting a family member find my body.

 

[DeathNoot]

Yes, it isn't entirely guilt tho, a big part of it is my desire to just disappear. I don't like people thinking of me now when I'm alive never mind grieving me and junk. I know it's stupid considering I most likely (assuming theres no afterlife where I haunt my family lol) won't have any awareness of whatever people are thinking but it bothers me regardless. My ideal would be for everyone I know to be dead or too distant to notice/care. Then I can just fuck off to middle of nowhere and never be seen again.

 

[SheJumped]

I remain alive for my child, not fair at this age for them to absorb my passing.
My want and will to live escaped me years ago, over the weekend was my birthday, I just look at them now as years closer to catching the bus.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I have limited resources available to me right now as I also live at home. They want to know everything about my life and I cannot order SN right now due to the fact they have become suspicious over another parcel I ordered. I hate the fact that we are considered selfish for wanting to kill ourselves but in reality it's selfish wanting to keep someone alive for your own benefits. I would go tonight but it's not convenient tonight as one of my parents will come home late and then check on me so can't risk being a "vegetable" from being found hanging.

 

[RileyTanaka]

I'm staying around just till my family is in a better place emotionallu and financially before Ctb.

That being said, there are times when my wife gets snappy or just passive aggressive, and it makes we wish I had 8 hours or so for SN. Probably help if I had a partner.

Having a partner has its caveats - after all you'd be dealing with another person and all their baggage around suicide, their life circumstances, and there's the legal risk as well.