Venting Killing Myself May be a Good Thing (Autism/ASD/Bipolar) Thread

[Spectre]

I have suspected ASD by my psychiatrist and I can't get a formal assessment from a psychologist because those cost like C$2000. But at this point, I think I know what I am. It's the only thing that explains why I have a reasonably high intelligence but act like a demented child. Annoying, unreliable and terribly unfunny. What's worse is that my bipolar symptoms make me an even bigger laughing stock, as every time I start to feel manic, I come across as even more cringe. I'm not seeing a good way out of this tunnel because I can't stop being embarrassing because that's literally what I am as a person. I'm thinking that the genepool and society in general will probably be better off not having to deal with such a loser in their presence. I am writing this post to see if anyone else feels this way about themselves or if they think my assessment is correct because at this point I no longer trust my own sense of judgement.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

I have suspected ASD by my psychiatrist and I can't get a formal assessment from a psychologist because those cost like C$2000. But at this point, I think I know what I am. It's the only thing that explains why I have a reasonably high intelligence but act like a demented child. Annoying, unreliable and terribly unfunny. What's worse is that my bipolar symptoms make me an even bigger laughing stock, as every time I start to feel manic, I come across as even more cringe. I'm not seeing a good way out of this tunnel because I can't stop being embarrassing because that's literally what I am as a person. I'm thinking that the genepool and society in general will probably be better off not having to deal with such a loser in their presence. I am writing this post to see if anyone else feels this way about themselves or if they think my assessment is correct because at this point I no longer trust my own sense of judgement.

I feel this way about myself too. I'm definitely high on the autism spectrum and it's made my life a living hell and it's one of the main reasons I'm suicidal, the stress and loneliness and brain fog and exhaustion and self-hatred that results from it.

 

[depthss]

I was diagnosed with asd at 13 and I feel the same way, I'm always embarrassing myself and I can't control it. It makes me awkward, I have trouble speaking, I don't respond to regular social cues, I have weird movements, and I have awful meltdowns, I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum every time, it's humiliating. So yes I absolutely feel the same as you do in pretty much every way

 

[Spectre]

I feel this way about myself too. I'm definitely high on the autism spectrum and it's made my life a living hell and it's one of the main reasons I'm suicidal, the stress and loneliness and brain fog and exhaustion and self-hatred that results from it.

If there is no good long-term solution for us then why not CTB? It'll make everyone else life less annoying and end our terrible existence. The general feeling of disgust I get whenever I think about myself is enough to want CTB. And I can only imagine that the people providing "support" also feel that level of disgust but are only better at hiding it.

 

[nearlynovember]

i have asd ; in the usa so my therapist and i deecided not to go down the route of cementing that legally (lots of gatekeeping would follow in many areas of life; ie. neurotypiclas hate us like you say) // recently though in meeting other autistic ppl and finally getting to have relationships with them friends / crushes / etc ; theres something special in finally feeling like less of a freak ; and mind you i like being a freak ; i know the society around me despises me but !! i despise them back. n folks like me are so <3 !! !! !! i understand that living despite others is ,,, hard however ! costly (financially but also emotionally and physically etc) ~ you're not crazy to say the least ! in feeling lots of things (wont put words in ur mouth) but fuck the gene pool etc; they are weird to be so particular about others in the first place ; i like autistic folk bc we accept that we are all odd and dont fuss bout others being strange ; just fuss about the injustcie we face at the hands of social expectations and the likes

 

[_Broken_alice]

If there is no good long-term solution for us then why not CTB? It'll make everyone else life less annoying and end our terrible existence. The general feeling of disgust I get whenever I think about myself is enough to want CTB. And I can only imagine that the people providing "support" also feel that level of disgust but are only better at hiding it.

The perfect long-term solution is unfortunately a world that doesn't exist. A world where we aren't pushed into thinking it is wrong to need some extra support and where we don't feel like a burden. A world that isn't inherently soul crushing by design. We assure you, the people providing support are just most likely at a loss not knowing how to help. We certainly know that in our case, how can anyone really help us when we don't even know what would help ourselves? The world we are pushed to be a part of is so hard to navigate for us it often seems impossible. It's not inherently that something is wrong with us, we are just expected to fit into a mold. And when we can't one of two things break, and unfortunately it usually isn't the mold. We think that the world is seeing the real loss. So many brilliant people with such unique perspectives often not given the chance they deserve to thrive. It is certainly hard to fit into a world that at times seems to not want us. Sorry, we don't have words to really help how you feel. Just know, you aren't alone in this struggle even if it feels like it. We are our own worst critics in a world that secretly fears those of us they can't understand and control.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I am so fascinted by this post. I also have suspected autism that cnnot be officially diagnosed for the same reason. I have diagnosed ADHD and BPD (for which I have mediction prescribed for) as well as mild OCD and what I feel is body dysmorphia disorder. I am 44 and in the last year or two, more than ever, I have been reliving all of the cringey, embarrassing moments in my life in my head. Behavior very atypical of normal people. I would say these thoughts about the past have been manifesting my mind more than half the time I'm awake lately.

The older I get, the cringier reliving these moments become, because I've had decades to dwell on them. Being suffocated by the embarrasment I feel from these thoughts is a large prt of the reason why I want to CTB. I no longer hang around with people from my past, because I am obsessed with the idea that all they all identify me and make fun of me behind my back for these moments. Finding someone like you that can relate to this is nice.

 

[_Broken_alice]

I am so fascinted by this post. I also have suspected autism that cnnot be officially diagnosed for the same reason. I have diagnosed ADHD and BPD (for which I have mediction prescribed for) as well as mild OCD and what I feel is body dysmorphia disorder. I am 44 and in the last year or two, more than ever, I have been reliving all of the cringey, embarrassing moments in my life in my head. Behavior very atypical of normal people. I would say these thoughts about the past have been manifesting my mind more than half the time I'm awake lately.

The older I get, the cringier reliving these moments become, because I've had decades to dwell on them. Being suffocated by the embarrasment I feel from these thoughts is a large prt of the reason why I want to CTB. I no longer hang around with people from my past, because I am obsessed with the idea that all they all identify me and make fun of me behind my back for these moments. Finding someone like you that can relate to this is nice.

While not at all a replacement for an actual diagnosis, you may find this helpful. https://embrace-autism.com/aspie-quiz/
It may at the least, let you have some peace of mind knowing you are not alone in this particular struggle and put your suspicions at ease. A formal diagnosis is very much a double edged sword. If you suspect, it may be worth finding someone to talk to and try to help learn to manage in an allistic society, but avoid the diagnosis. Unfortunately there is still a massive stigma around ASD. We got ours and then later realized it will stop us from ever being able to leave the US unless a lot of miracles happen and we fall into a very cushy job that can work with our disabilities somehow and can transfer which is a near zero chance. We are a really fucked up AuD-HD+ trans gal who learned early on to mask and never unmask. Our issues are certain a major push towards our urges to CTB, personal events of this year aside.

 

[Spectre]

While not at all a replacement for an actual diagnosis, you may find this helpful. https://embrace-autism.com/aspie-quiz/
It may at the least, let you have some peace of mind knowing you are not alone in this particular struggle and put your suspicions at ease. A formal diagnosis is very much a double edged sword. If you suspect, it may be worth finding someone to talk to and try to help learn to manage in an allistic society, but avoid the diagnosis. Unfortunately there is still a massive stigma around ASD. We got ours and then later realized it will stop us from ever being able to leave the US unless a lot of miracles happen and we fall into a very cushy job that can work with our disabilities somehow and can transfer which is a near zero chance. We are a really fucked up AuD-HD+ trans gal who learned early on to mask and never unmask. Our issues are certain a major push towards our urges to CTB, personal events of this year aside.

How would immigration officials know that you're autistic? Where is this information stored and transmitted

i have asd ; in the usa so my therapist and i deecided not to go down the route of cementing that legally (lots of gatekeeping would follow in many areas of life; ie. neurotypiclas hate us like you say) // recently though in meeting other autistic ppl and finally getting to have relationships with them friends / crushes / etc ; theres something special in finally feeling like less of a freak ; and mind you i like being a freak ; i know the society around me despises me but !! i despise them back. n folks like me are so <3 !! !! !! i understand that living despite others is ,,, hard however ! costly (financially but also emotionally and physically etc) ~ you're not crazy to say the least ! in feeling lots of things (wont put words in ur mouth) but fuck the gene pool etc; they are weird to be so particular about others in the first place ; i like autistic folk bc we accept that we are all odd and dont fuss bout others being strange ; just fuss about the injustcie we face at the hands of social expectations and the likes

how do you find these communities?

 

[loopdaloop]

suspected autism too lol and I got the opportunity in the pych ward to join a waitlist for a free autism assessment but before I got the chance to start the tests the doctor got recruited in the military so I don't know if I'll get an answer before I ctb (which doesn't matter b/c there's no cure to autism)