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fruitbats

Member
Oct 21, 2019
16
*warning: STUPID LONG UNIMPORTANT POST. Like annoyingly long. I just needed to scream for a minute.*

God I've been haunting this forum since I was like 16? I made myself an account at 18 when I thought I was gonna finally commit, got found out and talked into attempting to live, and now at 20 here I am again. I guess it's yet another sign that life really isn't something that I'm meant to live. For the first time since I was a kid with trauma from therapy I tried "reaching out for help" and it backfired. Horribly. As every time I've ever asked for help has. I asked at 14, I was ignored. I asked at 15, I was denied the medication prescribed to me by my dr bc "i didn't need it." At 16 I was forced into state children's therapy bc my mom found out my dad (who I lived near at the time) did meth and that therapist told me everything was my fault for being a disrespectful and disobedient child(i had straight As and didn't smoke weed or drink or do any drugs back then btw so huh????) On top of all that I have trauma from when I was a kid involving therapist which make the whole mental health treatment and getting help very VERY scary and hard for me so I just gave up around 16 and knew I'd be sad forever bc it's my fault. Anyways I finally got talked into "help" by my uncle who said I could live in his extra house with my bf if I paid utilities and got better. Sounds like incredible deal, right? So I swallowed down my fear and really tried to get help bc I wanted to have hope and get better and not have to cbt and be able to get out of bed (god I miss getting out of bed. I miss having a purpose and being able to fulfill it and create things and have ideas) so my mom drove like 9 hours from where she lives to help me move and help me get therapy, but there was an insurance mix up the day of my appointment so I had to fill out some other paperwork and I was FREAKED OUT from having to go into a building full of medical people and talk to them so I asked my mom if I could please do the paper work at home and I started to have a freak out in her car (I don't hurt anyone during these btw I literally just cry rlly rlly loudly) anyways she got mad at me for freaking abt the paper work so she called my (new, never attended btw) therapy office hotline and told them I was in crisis and all sorts of crazy shit, and then she parked IN THE FUCKING ER DEIVE THRU HANGAR rolled down the window and told them we needed help and the only reason they weren't legally allowed to drag me out of that car is bc I'm 20 now and she couldn't prove I was a threat but oh my god I was scared. That was easily one of the scariest experiences of my recent life, I was so scared I couldn't stop shaking and the worst part is I called my uncle for help and he basically told me "you did this to yourself by crying. Stay calm and don't play into their hands, your 20, just stay calm" and hung up on me.

anyways she stayed in this drive thru for like two hours trying to get me to get out or get them to send someone out until I apologized for wanting to do the paperwork at home and went to the place to do it. Bc of that they also gave me an emergency therapy session that day I didn't need, bc I had one literally the next day. Anyways it was okay ig but she said bc of the weird scheduling the next appointment would be January 25th or something (+the first thing she said to me is "oh you must be *****? I've read email chains about you. I thought you were gonna be in active crisis when i met you." EMAIL CHAINS. ACTIVE CRISIS??? I HAVENT EVEN MET ANY OF THESE PEOPLE BEFORE EVER) so I'm on radio silence for two months basically. I can't go back to her anyways since now I know my mom can call and influence these people and lie to them and yes I kno I'm 20 and hippa laws but if we were following hippa to start out with technically my mom shouldn't have been able to be w me helping make the appointment at all. Also I just already had a deep fear of them and now I know that fear is true, they really don't wanna help, they just wanna hospitalize so they can get insurance money. It's just so disheartening cause this was my last chance at life, you kno? I was ready and willing to try and get help and get better and maybe make life worth living but I think of therapy now and I can't stop shaking and feeling like I'm gonna puke and hyperventilate. I lost my one chance. I thought my mother coming to help me move and get out would actually help and end with my life getting better. Now I have to kill myself because I know there is no help, and I can't do it alone, and no one can help me. My boyfriend just has panic attacks when I get upset so I can't talk to him, my entire family is suspect, and my bff is kind of a shitty self absorbed person who also has issues so all of her issues HAVE to be worse than yours, and you can't even call her out on it or she gets to throw her "I'm fragile and broken" card. I'm sorry this is such a stupid fucking rant, I'm just so upset bc on Monday I was gonna live! I was gonna be able to get better! To get a job and with double the income my bf and I could buy all sorts of shit and take the animals to the vet n just things that would make life better like not having a dog and cat on the brink of death with me (n before y'all start, THEY WERNT MY CHOICE. PEOPLE JUST KINDA ABANDON ANIMALS ON MY LAND AND I TAKE THEM IN BC I DONT WANT THEM TO SUFFER) I feel so bad abt them, I need to find the two dogs good homes when I cbt. I kno my boyfriend won't mind keeping the cats but the dogs would be too much. I just. Monday I was gonna live and by Friday my entire life collapsed in and I lost any relationship with my mother and uncle I've ever had. I lost my mother. This was the last time I ever got to see her and she tried to hospitalize me cause she was mad at me. The worst part to me is I wanted one of my friends to take me to the office because I knew my family was going to try to do something like this but they wouldn't tell me any of the information I needed to make the appointment without going with them, so the whole thing feels very planned. Idk I'm so sorry this is rambling and long I just have no one and I kno no ones rlly gonna read this anyways so I don't have to feel to bad abt it. I just lost my chance at happiness and now I feel so wounded and dead already.
 
Sherri

Sherri

Archangel
Sep 28, 2020
13,796
Therapy is a hit or miss, Ive tried with some that made me feel better, but not with the ones who tell me silly things. I'm sorry for your pain. Some wounds are hard to heal, or never heal at all. Sending you a hug my fellow member.
 
L

Lostandlooking

In limbo
Jul 23, 2020
422
I'm so sorry. People misinterpreted your signals, people didn't listen. You tried your very best and the people around you just made things harder instead of helping you. Doing the paperwork at home is not a weird request at all. Sending you some hugs as well. :hug:
 
Sherri

Sherri

Archangel
Sep 28, 2020
13,796
I'm so sorry. People misinterpreted your signals, people didn't listen. You tried your very best and the people around you just made things harder instead of helping you. Doing the paperwork at home is not a weird request at all. Sending you some hugs as well. :hug:
And it's all timed up. 60mn only, if you go above that they politely say, so we will continue another day this convo. Sigh
 
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Reactions: Lostandlooking
R

Regen

I stay in my power
Aug 20, 2020
351
Finding a really really good therapist is extremely difficult. In my life I have got to know about six or seven therapists in total. The first one was good and now the current one. In between there are 20 years of therapist junk.....

That I found the last one was pure luck, I was already too exhausted and depressed to even bother. She works according to schema therapy, which I think is good, and she doesn't think in pigeonholes. It is possible to find a good therapist. And then therapy often helps. Or sometimes? I don't know, but it's always worth a try, death doesn't run away from me, luckily I always have that option!

I suffer with you when I read what you have experienced and the pain you are in right now. Lack of hope is bad. And being hurt and abandoned by loved ones is bad too. I am so sorry. I hope you find something to ease your pain. Is there any help that can help you with the papers and finding a good therapy? There are sometimes charities here that you can go to anonymously. Or you try something online. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I wish you love and peace and hope.