AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
I can see why men are quitting.
...unfo we are being 'forced' to quit in the most horriblist and cruel of ways :-(
...unfo we are being 'forced' to quit in the most horriblist and cruel of ways :-(
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 20,751
I'm 26 and never been in a relationship but your situation is probably the one thing I'm most terrified of when it comes to growing older. I am so sorry you have to be living through almost any adult male's "worst case scenario". I understand completely why you'd want to CTB and it sounds like if you did, hopefully your kids would see the truth and resent your ex-wife more for pushing you out and driving you to do so than they would resent you for doing it in the first place. They're kind of young though so they could be influenced too easily by their mother. Maybe wait just a bit longer until they're mature enough to process it better though in that case you'd risk the chance of them never finding out or getting a fake version of what happened if you're cut off completely by then.
I say this as someone whose mom divorced my dad in 2008 and after he beat me up while I was living with him and I willingly chose never to see him for these past seven years because my dad was an actual asshole. Even though all of his children are in their 20s he STILL tries to force his way into our lives when we've made it clear that we're tired of his abuse and manipulation. He has nothing right now and I'm fine with that. I'd only wish this type of fate on him though.
That said, I constantly fear that I would turn out the same as him which is why I'm so paranoid of starting a relationship with someone because my mind always immediately fears of how I'd feel if they divorced me. You're already braver than people like me for getting this far even if the situation right now is this bad. I hope things work out for you whatever you choose to do.
I say this as someone whose mom divorced my dad in 2008 and after he beat me up while I was living with him and I willingly chose never to see him for these past seven years because my dad was an actual asshole. Even though all of his children are in their 20s he STILL tries to force his way into our lives when we've made it clear that we're tired of his abuse and manipulation. He has nothing right now and I'm fine with that. I'd only wish this type of fate on him though.
That said, I constantly fear that I would turn out the same as him which is why I'm so paranoid of starting a relationship with someone because my mind always immediately fears of how I'd feel if they divorced me. You're already braver than people like me for getting this far even if the situation right now is this bad. I hope things work out for you whatever you choose to do.
@alonesolone - sorry you're going through all that, your ex sounds like a hound from hell.
You said: " I could not imagine not being able to be in contact with one of your children for over 2 years! That's insane!! How do you even go about rebuilding that? I didn't see mine for about 3 months when the lock-down started and that pretty much destroyed me (...it's when I made my attempt). "
I came to the conclusion the ex was manipulating her to hurt me as deeply as possible, and I only had 2 options - to be really upset about it and let that turn me into a quivering wreck, or to not be bothered about it so it didn't effect me at all, so as nutty as this sounds I came to the conclusion I could either let it send me over the edge, or not let it effect me at all.
So I opted for a super deep form of Stoicism, where I removed my own opinion about how things were, stopped thinking how I wanted things to be, and just rode the wave of how things were.
It's kind of like chopping half of yourself off so you aren't thinking about something or feeling about it, it feels like not being yourself, but does stop you from dwelling on it, or getting angry about it, I just left it in my head that when she was ready she'd come round, or she wouldn't, and left it at that.
If you've ever atched the film "equilibrium" - it was like being Christian Bales character in that, trying desperately to have no emotion about it - not easy to do, but it was either that or believe she hated me, beat myself up and feel like shit, and after all of that - change nothing, because how I felt about the situation, or me, wouldn't change the situation. Except in making me feel like shit.
So that was all I could do, it's all that kept me sane tbh, although it was staying sane by not feeling, which is odd.
Not well explained but that's pretty much it
You said: " I could not imagine not being able to be in contact with one of your children for over 2 years! That's insane!! How do you even go about rebuilding that? I didn't see mine for about 3 months when the lock-down started and that pretty much destroyed me (...it's when I made my attempt). "
I came to the conclusion the ex was manipulating her to hurt me as deeply as possible, and I only had 2 options - to be really upset about it and let that turn me into a quivering wreck, or to not be bothered about it so it didn't effect me at all, so as nutty as this sounds I came to the conclusion I could either let it send me over the edge, or not let it effect me at all.
So I opted for a super deep form of Stoicism, where I removed my own opinion about how things were, stopped thinking how I wanted things to be, and just rode the wave of how things were.
It's kind of like chopping half of yourself off so you aren't thinking about something or feeling about it, it feels like not being yourself, but does stop you from dwelling on it, or getting angry about it, I just left it in my head that when she was ready she'd come round, or she wouldn't, and left it at that.
If you've ever atched the film "equilibrium" - it was like being Christian Bales character in that, trying desperately to have no emotion about it - not easy to do, but it was either that or believe she hated me, beat myself up and feel like shit, and after all of that - change nothing, because how I felt about the situation, or me, wouldn't change the situation. Except in making me feel like shit.
So that was all I could do, it's all that kept me sane tbh, although it was staying sane by not feeling, which is odd.
Not well explained but that's pretty much it
AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
Thanks @Dr Iron Arc I am so sorry to hear that you have had to endure physical (and I'm sure psychological) abuse at the hands of your Dad. I have no idea how anyone could be that cruel to anyone let a lone their own flesh and blood. I sincerely hope that you have or are on a journey of healing and recovery though I know from having suffered physical and mental abuse from my middle brother growing up that these scars last a lifetime and you just somehow 'learn to live with them'.
I can fully understand your fears of being involved in a relationship. My son is entering he teens soon, I guess about the same age as you when your folk separated and I truly fear for his mental well being going forwards. I know that if I were to ctb that would obviously not help him but be also knows pretty much the endless pain I'm in and sees me upset, especially when I'm taking them back to my Ex so I do think he understands to some extent - tho' I think full realisation would take a great deal of life experience for him (and my younger daughter) to fully understand what is going on right now.
I've known my Ex for 27 years - more than half my life. Legally we are still married so that would be 18 years - we've been through lots together, lost a child before my son was worn, both lost our mothers, but also shared moments of pure and utter joy, the arrival of our kids, moving to our new home that we could actually afford! Yet someone I knew (I thought I knew!) intimately turns around and (what I feel) pretty much on a whim completely destroys and crushes me and literally throws me to the wolves is a shock that I don't think I will ever be able to recover from. I will never be able to trust any partner again with my personal emotions. Yet the feeling of utter loneliness is literally killing me. I'm stuck in a limbo that there seems to be no way out of (other than thinking "I've had a good innings to date. Things haven't been great these past few years. I guess it's time to ctb while I can and have the ability to. Before even that control is taken away from me.")
It sounds like you have got your head screwed on straight and the fact that you are thinking abut this is GOOD! Don't fall into infatuation and desire and even worse desperation. I got married at 28 to a girl of similar age. I think guys are lucky in a way in that we can get married later and to a 'younger model' so that you still have the option of starting a family should you so wish. I'm not sure how all this pre-nup stuff works but I've always been under the idea that is no way to start any relationship. But given the chance now I'd have done anything to have something like that in place! You can never truly know what another person is thinking/feeling/their inner most dialog. Even when you do 'talk' especially in this age of electronic communications you can never be fully confident that you fully know/comprehend the true meaning of what anyone 'says' to you - life is too tough and too complicated nowadays and it's the thought that this sort of things is only going to get worse and harder as we 'progress' that makes me think it's best to get out now.
When I was young I'd write those blue airmail letters to my cousins over seas and any conversation would take months / years to happen! Any phone calls were rare and very limited time (...and usually under stressed situations, e.g. when my grandparents passed) - nowadays you can instantly call pretty much anyone anywhere in the world for free or send them a message in the literal blink of an eye - but I believe mis-communication now is worse than ever. Before you had to really think what you wanted to say/convey - telegrams were charged by the character typed! Now I'm talking to you from wherever you are and we've never even met! It's wondrous as much as it's scary!
Don't be scared of having/starting a relationship - that's what I've already told my son. As humans we need other people in our lives. However be weary and go into any relationship with your eyes wide open and without any hidden agendas. Some friends have tried to 'cheer me up' saying "....hey your a free agent again! If I were you I'd be out trying to pick up as many girls as possible!" "...why don't you go to some strip clubs?" "...she's shacked up with someone else why don't you?" - I'm not that kinda guy and never have been. Truth be told my Ex is the only girl that I've "been with" and rightly so that now we are not together maybe being that 'free agent' would 'cheer me up' but I think it would be opening up a whole can of worms that I don't think I would ever be fully ready/prepared for. Once bitten twice shy (...and I was already pretty shy to begin with!)
Thanks for your kind wishes and thoughts. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my thread. And I really (REALLY) appreciate the thought you said when you said "understand completely why you'd want to CTB and it sounds like if you did, hopefully your kids would see the truth..." Most people's reaction to the mention of ctb when you've got kids is a complete and utter NO NO! But (and I NEVER thought I'd ever say this!) I understand now that things are never that simple. I lost my cousin to suicide and he was a Dad of 4 - I had only just become a new Dad myself when that happened and I never could understand it then. I do now.
Take care and good luck for your future. You are still young and I hope this world turns a corner and realises that the path humanity has been going down is all wrong. For your sake and that of my kids future too - we (humans) need to make serious changes. Maybe this whole Covid thing might just be the catalyst that we need to make that change!?
PS I wouldn't say I'm braver in the least. Only more stupid and naive than everyone else! Remember eyes wide open when/if you do start a relationship - good luck!
Amen brother, agree with it all - words are cheap, real communication is rare. And yes, technology and the turn we've taken has diverted us off the proper tracks and onto the road to ruin, as a species.
AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
Thanks @TheQ22 - unfo. I have not seen Equilibrium before but if we are making Christian Bale references then I think I'm more in the American Psycho frame of mind at the moment! ;-)
Alec
Wizard
- Apr 22, 2019
- 681
I'm sorry!!! I'm so so so sorry!!! I don't know how to help you, I wish so bad I could! I'm sorry I can't help you! But I'm writing this anyway because I want to tell you that I'm sorry for your whole situation and for the way that you've been treated, and that I want to hug you so hard!!! I'm sorry your wife has turned out to be this person and that she decided to do this to you, you don't seem to me like someone who deserves it. I'm sorry you can't be with your kids as much as you want to be, from your story you sound like a great dad that I personally would be very happy to have! And I'm sure your kids are happy to have you! My parents went through a very messy break up too and each tried to paint the other in a very bad light to me when I was a kid, but I remember that I listened but I never took those words for facts, I always judged the other parent by what I saw myself in them and in our interactions. I'm sure no matter what your wife tells your kids about you, they have a clear image of the real you from the times you are together, even if you don't spend so much time together now.
I don't think it's selfish to kill yourself when you have kids. Because you are not doing this to hurt them. You are doing what you think is best for you, this is the kind of decision that is only yours to make and it can't ever be selfish. The kids will understand, maybe not today or now but later, they will be able to understand. Plus I'm sure that if they don't already then with time they will realize what your wife has done to you/their father, and they will most likely come to resent her for it. She's digging her own grave, kids notice everything and early or later they will see that she was a bad person, hurting people, that she was the villain. I didn't realize things right away in my situation, but I was noticing stuff and when I grew up a bit more (I was 13-15 when I started to understand better) I started to understand what I was seeing, I started to see who was doing the damage and how, I was able to understand who was toxic and destructive and abusive. I'm sure your kids will too, early or later they will.
The only thing that came to my mind just now as I was writing this: is that you can write a last will. Where you will indicate in case of your death you don't leave anything to your wife, and you can leave everything to your children but make it so that they can access it only after they turn 18 so maybe that way your wife won't have the access to their inheritance through them as their legal parent/guardian. And that way when they turn 28 she won't have access to it anyway because they will be legally adults already and in charge of their own inheritance. You can do this to get out of her manipulating you and not finalizing divorce because she wants to get more money out of you. This way you'll take away her power over your belongings and take away some of the leverage she might have on you, and maybe even will be able to manipulate her a bit with this turning into your leverage against her, maybe you'll be able to ask for more time with kids in that case and use this as leverage so she has to agree. That doesn't mean that you should give her what she wants them for your time with kids, just tell her that if you'll have more time with them then maybe you'll reconsider your last will, but really never change your last will and never cancel it, just lie to her that you will think about it if she will let you see the kids more often.
I hope things work out for you the way you want them too, and if you choose suicide, I hope it will be as quick and painless as possible, you seem amazing and kind to me, I wish you the very best. Im sending you the biggest, the warmest hug ever, I wish so bad I could hug you in person. I love you.
I don't think it's selfish to kill yourself when you have kids. Because you are not doing this to hurt them. You are doing what you think is best for you, this is the kind of decision that is only yours to make and it can't ever be selfish. The kids will understand, maybe not today or now but later, they will be able to understand. Plus I'm sure that if they don't already then with time they will realize what your wife has done to you/their father, and they will most likely come to resent her for it. She's digging her own grave, kids notice everything and early or later they will see that she was a bad person, hurting people, that she was the villain. I didn't realize things right away in my situation, but I was noticing stuff and when I grew up a bit more (I was 13-15 when I started to understand better) I started to understand what I was seeing, I started to see who was doing the damage and how, I was able to understand who was toxic and destructive and abusive. I'm sure your kids will too, early or later they will.
The only thing that came to my mind just now as I was writing this: is that you can write a last will. Where you will indicate in case of your death you don't leave anything to your wife, and you can leave everything to your children but make it so that they can access it only after they turn 18 so maybe that way your wife won't have the access to their inheritance through them as their legal parent/guardian. And that way when they turn 28 she won't have access to it anyway because they will be legally adults already and in charge of their own inheritance. You can do this to get out of her manipulating you and not finalizing divorce because she wants to get more money out of you. This way you'll take away her power over your belongings and take away some of the leverage she might have on you, and maybe even will be able to manipulate her a bit with this turning into your leverage against her, maybe you'll be able to ask for more time with kids in that case and use this as leverage so she has to agree. That doesn't mean that you should give her what she wants them for your time with kids, just tell her that if you'll have more time with them then maybe you'll reconsider your last will, but really never change your last will and never cancel it, just lie to her that you will think about it if she will let you see the kids more often.
I hope things work out for you the way you want them too, and if you choose suicide, I hope it will be as quick and painless as possible, you seem amazing and kind to me, I wish you the very best. Im sending you the biggest, the warmest hug ever, I wish so bad I could hug you in person. I love you.
I sympathize with u. I was harmed too because of the pitting of the sexes against each other. I grew up with no dad in single mother dysfunctional home. I ended up a maladjusted out of control young lady. I would sabotage my relationships with men and had lack of self worth, lack of self respect. Ended up losing my kids to abortion because it was a quick fix and easy to aquire since I kept repeatedly getting pregnant outside of a stable relationship. So this is how this system ends up hurting some women as well. I had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder stemming from child abuse but I didn't know what was wrong and couldn't find help. The controllers are bent on destroying the family, and both men and women but mostly men because if men aren't encouraged or incentivized to protect women and children we become vulnerable to rape and murder. Our country is ripe for takeover when the men are checking out.
AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
Hi @Notme - thank for your msg. I read your whole thread about ctb if you have kids and I completely agree with you that everyone here on SS are really AMAZING! I seemed to get the conclusion from comments there that the general consensus is if you have kids, especially young kids it's "wrong" to ctb - I am having a really difficult time processing this as it was my plan to ctb this weekend but then my kids came round unexpectedly and it has all confused me even more.
How have you processed what to do about ctb when you have kids? Whatever your conclusion is, and in a way I want it to be that you feel you can be there for your kids but even if, like me at the moment, you are more on the ctb side - I wish you well and best wishes.
Take care
I'm still processing everything at this moment of time. I'm still on the ctb side of things. It's all I can think about is how and when. I'm currently trying my hardest to take everyday as it comes. I've seeked for help and advice on here and also medically. I have been put on anti depressants (This seems to be the option for most things in the uk) they seem to be helping and level me out but still does not stop the thoughts at all.
It was my boys birthday yesterday and we had a brill day. Unfortantly last night I attempted to partial hang but couldn't go through with it. I just broke down and stopped.
If you need to chat let me know
Take care.
AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
Thank you so much for your kind comments @Smudgedlines -
-
We are so in the same boat it's cray @Notme
I was gearing my self up to ctb this weekend, it's when I posted my first comment on SS as i just felt so lost. I've been thru every avenue I can think of seeking help. Medical. Psychological etc. I've been on 4 (5?) different anti-deps at varying doses over the past few years (when this all separation things kicked off for me) - none of it's ever helped me! I was never the most happiest of pple before but then I wasn't what I would call a depressive either. Just a Man struggling to keep life for his Family going. Now I've lost that Family.
I still remember that first meeting with GP when I poured my heart out and he said anti-dep - I was reluctant as didn't wanna become addicted (...naively as had no idea/experience of them before!) And was not sure how they would help my situation - his exact words were they'll "help take the edge off" and to this day I have no idea what that means as I've been right on the edge for soo long. There is no one there to help you it seems. I called the Samaritans this weekend as got into a desperately tizzy state - I've called them before. We spoke for about an hour and I do appreciate their service but at the end she was just saying "OK well we've spoken for a while and I have to go now" and that was that! I was there, alone again, an hour older but no better off or with any hope to carry on.
It sounds like we are in same potions/dilemma. I'm glad that you had a good day with your boys especially on their birthday. Am sure they enjoyed their time with you. That's what freaked me out this weekend. Planning on finishing it and then my kids unexpectedly turning up and having such a good time with them. Then that despair when you re not with them but unable to process and take any action(s) and like I have thought couldn't go through with it and always end up braking down and stopping. But how many times can you repeat that cycle?? I am sorry that you were at the point of attempting a partial - are you OK?
It would be good to chat if you feel up to it. Thanks - I really appreciate it.
HI! To answer your question, no I do not have kids or anyone, just me and the global family here on sanctioned suicide. I really feel for you, you sound like a very nice person. CTB is neither brave or selfish. It is always somewhere in between and that aspect is what makes the decision so hard. Please keep me informed as we all care and love all of our global family members here. Love and peace to you my great friend1
@AloneSoAlone i was on anti depressants for a while... all they did is numb me, to the bad and the good. I felt nothing. That wasn't what I wanted.
I have a good relationship with my ex. He has the boys when he wants them. I'm here because I see no long term future. I'm alone, I exist for the boys. I'm just out of a recent relationship with an alcoholic (worst relationship of my entire life no kids thank god) and I have got over a fairly recent urge following the suicide of two friends (it's contagious I'm sure) and his fucking terrible behaviour.
I did that by changing job to get off depressing furlough and start again, and trying to make the most out of the little things in life.
Last night I watched bohemian rhapsody on my own with a glass of wine. Enjoyed myself.
I have a good relationship with my ex. He has the boys when he wants them. I'm here because I see no long term future. I'm alone, I exist for the boys. I'm just out of a recent relationship with an alcoholic (worst relationship of my entire life no kids thank god) and I have got over a fairly recent urge following the suicide of two friends (it's contagious I'm sure) and his fucking terrible behaviour.
I did that by changing job to get off depressing furlough and start again, and trying to make the most out of the little things in life.
Last night I watched bohemian rhapsody on my own with a glass of wine. Enjoyed myself.
sideswipe84
Member
- Aug 30, 2020
- 44
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
What you said has truly "hit home" for me.
this may sound strange but ever since I was young I knew I wanted to start a family with a woman I love (I'm 35). I am a father now I did get married.
All of it is now gone, my wife left the home earlier this year. Her and our children were all I ever wanted.
I too am completely alone with no friends and the only family I have lives in another country.
im saying all of this because I have attempted multiple times to leave and have only failed.
being a guide to my children is something I always wanted to do, but I too don't feel strong enough to continue.
its not wrong of you to want to leave, the ones who tell you that shouldn't because of the kids, I believe don't want you to leave but really don't know what else to say. Ultimately though hearing that as a reason to continue always felt like a guilt trip from others to me.
What you said has truly "hit home" for me.
this may sound strange but ever since I was young I knew I wanted to start a family with a woman I love (I'm 35). I am a father now I did get married.
All of it is now gone, my wife left the home earlier this year. Her and our children were all I ever wanted.
I too am completely alone with no friends and the only family I have lives in another country.
im saying all of this because I have attempted multiple times to leave and have only failed.
being a guide to my children is something I always wanted to do, but I too don't feel strong enough to continue.
its not wrong of you to want to leave, the ones who tell you that shouldn't because of the kids, I believe don't want you to leave but really don't know what else to say. Ultimately though hearing that as a reason to continue always felt like a guilt trip from others to me.
AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
@whywere THANK YOU SOO much! Your reply really means a lot to me (more than I could ever convey in any reply to you!) Yes this is a truly amazing global Family. Having done lots of lurking and reading of so many peoples story's struggles pain heartache loss desperation (etc) I know this site and community would have provided some means of respite and hopefully a way to process and understand themselves better.
You are obviously a wise and caring person and it helps me to try and restore my faith in humanity that there are still people out there who care and try for others. Even tho most people just seem to want to take advantage of you for their own ends as best they can.
You are 100% right about ctb - there is no right/wrong good/bad - it's just a very grey area in the middle with nuances for every person's case that could never be formulated or every possibility thought of or planned/prepared for. My struggle at the moment is the finality of it all! I have thought soo many times I just wanna sleep and not wake up to this nightmare of my life as it is any more (and anything I have done to try and change it for the better hasn't worked in any way whatsoever!) but when it came to actually being right there and doing it the level of fear is just nuts! That's why I think I've already said that anyone who has gone thru this in my mind are brave (and you are always going to get the people who call them selfish too) - why is this world soo complicated? Why can we all just get along, help each other and just be human to one another?
Take care.
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AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
...there's a Mum and her young son right outside my window this very moment (I don't know them) and the boy is in absolute tears and distress crying (inconsolably) for his Daddy. Have no idea the reason why? She might have just told him off and he's having a tantrum? They might have just lost him (...I doubt it that extreme tho as she said they were going to go to the park now to play) but it totally broke my heart hearing a young child calling out for his Dad. I am in floods of tears now thinking about my possibly doing that to my kids but then the cold light of my situation and ongoing pain hits and then I just don't feel I can carry on any more!?
What kinda "life" is this??
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AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
Dear @Smudgedlines - thanks for your comment and I am incredibly sorry that you are in this position too. I know I've been looking mainly at Dad's forums and there's always a consensus there that women get better treatment in the Courts and the like. It's nice to hear a woman's perspective on this. I guess there's nothing fair in this situation on many people.Especially the kids. I mean unless there's abuse/harm happening and adultery I guess. When people just 'drift apart' and then wreck each other's lives it seems such a waste!? Why do we do it?
Sounds like you are a good Mum if you've raised 2 that have flown the nest and are looking after the younger ones. Do you still feel lonely when you have your (2) kids with you? I never felt alone when I had my kids and I would personally rather spend my time with the kids than with 'friends' - maybe I dug my own grave there over the years as I let a lot of friendships slide due to wanting to be with my Family. But I used to hate it when you'd sometimes bump into a 'friend' that you'd not seen for a while and they say "hey not heard from you in ages!" or "you don't call any more?" - it's like WTF! If I don't call you and we haven't spoken or met for a time then you are obviously NOT calling me either!! It's like people subversively put the 'blame' on to your shoulders and then make themselves feel better about it! I never really paid much attention to these sorts of things in the past but it's these little subtle nuances that really can have a BIG effect once they've built up and up (...and that's what I'm feeling now I think!?)
I wholeheartedly agree that ctb with kids is not a 'good' thing but then when your life is filled with soo much pain and there is no one, literally no one there to even just say "I'll be there for you" - it all becomes too unbearable. I have been thinking about this for a long time, made lists, tried to be as 'rational' as possible, looked at things objectively but I keep coming back to the same conclusion. The kids are 'there' but if I can't be with them and help to guide them on a regular basis then what's the point of being here!? They will grow up not really knowing me in any case (especially with my Ex trying to wipe me from their psyche for years already!) then any input I will have in their lives going fwds would just be like a drip in the ocean...
Yes, I'm in the UK too and It would be great to have a chat if you feel up to it! Thanks for your words of support. It really means a lot. Sorry I had a really bad weekend this long weekend. Had the kids over late one night basically just to sleep (...as my Ex wanted to go out and there was no alternative playdate/sleepover available to her! I'm the last resort Baby Sitter.) So managed to get a few quality hours in the morning with the kids then had to 'give them back' and my heart shattered into 1,000,000 pieces again and have been trying to put it together since. I'm not doing too well with that as the scar tissue that's built up over these many months/years has made it so the pieces don't fit together properly any more.
PS @Smudgedlines - Love your Avatar pic too! I'm a country boy at heart who's been trapped in the City for the past 30 years - unfo the only way I can see to get back to anything that might resemble a 'life' rather than just an 'existence' is (ironically!?) c'ingtb
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TheSoundofTime
In time you will find peace...
- Aug 9, 2020
- 71
I am myself from a broken family with lots of turmoil and conflicts still reoccurring today.
From what you wrote here seems to me and honestly that you are first of all - a good dad. You never left your kids, the circumstances have come to that but that's not your fault so don't blame yourself for that.
Secondly, your kids still love you - both of you. I wish them in the future not to take sides and split between each other over past decision they did not make.
Finally, your way out is understandable. I would support you as I normally do to people in situations similar to this, however I think you have got still lots to live for. You clearly love your kid too much to not see them again - that will be a bitch to overcome to complete suicide(sorry for my language). You can still be a "guide" and we will be here for you
AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
Thanks @Ulisses - that's very profound!. I am sorry that you too are suffering from a burden. Balance would be the ultimate aim but I think now that my scales have broken and there is little chance that anything can be brought back into any equilibrium!? My purpose was being the guide to my kids, to try to help them decide the paths that are best suited to them and then help them with their journey along their choices. Unfo being a PartTimeDad and not being 'allowed' to be fully part of their lives while the other party is influencing them in directly the opposite directions (...and who has the luxury of time with them) it feels like it will never work!?
Peace. Hugs. And best wishes to you.
"when your life is filled with soo much pain and there is no one, literally no one there to even just say "I'll be there for you" - it all becomes too unbearable."
Your posts are very good. Many of the phrases you say I can't describe how accurate they are. How they hit home.
I'm in a similar boat as you are. No ex wife or kids but I can relate to a lot of what you say as my life has been destroyed with no future.
Someone use to tell me all the time that I'm too good of a person Something she learned in life and was trying to teach me. she was tryng to say that the world will eat me up if I'm not careful. We like to think because we live in cities with technology and such that the world is an easier place to live. Well, I can say that living in this modern world is just as dangerous as living in the wild.
Those who have a family look after each other. Makes life easier to live. Sorta like animals who live in captivity. They live longer and such. But those without anyone to say "I'll be there for you" many of us die much earlier because we are essentially living in the wild. Many of us basically have half the life expectancy. Many turn to alcohol or drugs, suicide, etc..
The truth is we need to change our mindset and realize that we have a much harder life and will have half the life expectancy because we live in the wild.
Once you come to that realization, a weight might be pulled off your shoulders. You may find something to take the edge off life. Then die of heart disease or whatever because you no longer have to worry about eating healthy because your family depends on you.
I hooe all that makes sense. I know this sounds lame and I don't know you but "I'll be there for you" whenever you need someone to talk to.
Also, something that maybe you can grasp onto when you feel like you can't take it anymore...at 47, you aren't exactly young. I'm a couple years younger. You see, single men and especially widowers have a much lower life expectancy than married men. So we won't be living as long as you think. Then factor in several years before that date, most people are ill. And many on forums like these would ctb before their health was too bad. So maybe, you're realistically looking at 20 years of life left.
Then you can factor in a bucket list and such. Think if the rest of your life that you want to go visit these 5 places before the end of your life. You want to move to these 5 places. And these 5 hobbies. Volunteer here and there. Well, if you do one of these per year, you'll occupy your time and suddenly you'll realize your in your 60's. Then you're preparing for your passing.
Me personally, because of my health problems, when my health gets to a certain point, that's when I decided it's time to go. I personally have to take opiods occasionally for my health problem at that definetely took the edge off. But now I'm taking Kratom which has a very small amount of opiods but I get the same feeling of not caring about the people who have screwed me over. No depression or anxiety and such. Maybe there is something similar you can find that works for you and legal.
You can even adopt the oldest pet you can find at the animal shelter. Shower that pet with as much love as you can. When he passes, do it again if you're able to. Atleast this would give you a little more time to help make your mind up what you want to do.
What you have going for you and me is our age. Many on this forum are young and can't see living for 40 or 50 years. Whereas us, the time will go faster if we create a bucket list and if we have a pet to enjoyour life with.
Your posts are very good. Many of the phrases you say I can't describe how accurate they are. How they hit home.
I'm in a similar boat as you are. No ex wife or kids but I can relate to a lot of what you say as my life has been destroyed with no future.
Someone use to tell me all the time that I'm too good of a person Something she learned in life and was trying to teach me. she was tryng to say that the world will eat me up if I'm not careful. We like to think because we live in cities with technology and such that the world is an easier place to live. Well, I can say that living in this modern world is just as dangerous as living in the wild.
Those who have a family look after each other. Makes life easier to live. Sorta like animals who live in captivity. They live longer and such. But those without anyone to say "I'll be there for you" many of us die much earlier because we are essentially living in the wild. Many of us basically have half the life expectancy. Many turn to alcohol or drugs, suicide, etc..
The truth is we need to change our mindset and realize that we have a much harder life and will have half the life expectancy because we live in the wild.
Once you come to that realization, a weight might be pulled off your shoulders. You may find something to take the edge off life. Then die of heart disease or whatever because you no longer have to worry about eating healthy because your family depends on you.
I hooe all that makes sense. I know this sounds lame and I don't know you but "I'll be there for you" whenever you need someone to talk to.
Also, something that maybe you can grasp onto when you feel like you can't take it anymore...at 47, you aren't exactly young. I'm a couple years younger. You see, single men and especially widowers have a much lower life expectancy than married men. So we won't be living as long as you think. Then factor in several years before that date, most people are ill. And many on forums like these would ctb before their health was too bad. So maybe, you're realistically looking at 20 years of life left.
Then you can factor in a bucket list and such. Think if the rest of your life that you want to go visit these 5 places before the end of your life. You want to move to these 5 places. And these 5 hobbies. Volunteer here and there. Well, if you do one of these per year, you'll occupy your time and suddenly you'll realize your in your 60's. Then you're preparing for your passing.
Me personally, because of my health problems, when my health gets to a certain point, that's when I decided it's time to go. I personally have to take opiods occasionally for my health problem at that definetely took the edge off. But now I'm taking Kratom which has a very small amount of opiods but I get the same feeling of not caring about the people who have screwed me over. No depression or anxiety and such. Maybe there is something similar you can find that works for you and legal.
You can even adopt the oldest pet you can find at the animal shelter. Shower that pet with as much love as you can. When he passes, do it again if you're able to. Atleast this would give you a little more time to help make your mind up what you want to do.
What you have going for you and me is our age. Many on this forum are young and can't see living for 40 or 50 years. Whereas us, the time will go faster if we create a bucket list and if we have a pet to enjoyour life with.
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Morning
we just drifted. We didn't fall out. It still wasn't pleasant and at times I wish I'd tried harder, for the kids, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I made a massive mistake with my last relationship though.
I do still feel lonely even with the boys. But it's not unsurmountable. im more worried about the future.... I never saw myself as the spinster type with a house full of cats (not that there's anything wrong with that).
I think you should focus on the times you do see your kids and not on the times you don't. I know you grieve for them and a life with them but it is what it is and they will, as they grow, choose to spend more time with you, I promise that. I can't and won't brush away your desire to ctb because advice can't fix everything. I just hope you don't do anything rash.
I love the country. Infact...it's my day off today and I am going open water swimming for the first time in a lake. Get busy living (trying to)...unless I die this morning LOL
AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
Thanks @Smudgedlines - you really (REALLY) don't know how good your timing is with your question and concern BLESS YOU (I am feeling incredibly low, lonely, isolated and desperate at the moment...)
So NOT good! I was really close to ctb yest but think as acting on impulse (and desperation) I have not slept for one second whole of last night and feel thoroughly exhausted now. I don't think I will be able to do anything let alone ctb now/today. Was trying to stay off the forums but if I don't communicate with someone then I'm scared what i might try and do in sense of desperation...
I just don't know what to do?? I Can't go on living this life. I've tried to change what I can (...and failed miserably.) I just want the pain to stop now. I don't really want to ctb but the utter loss of everything that was dear and meant something/everything to me that I've suffered just seems unbearable right now (and has done for a l-o-n-g time!)
I saw my daughter being taken to school by my Ex this morning. My Flat is right opposite my former home (...now 'her house') so I can literally see them from my window. When i first was forced to moved out I thought it would be close as possible to them so that could see them more/as often as possible. But I have literally "shot myself in the foot" (wish it was my head sometimes!) with this completely. I've spent the last (nearly) 2 years looking out at my former life (and it breaking my heart) See kids playing out the front loads but not being able to be with them. I'm not stalking them. As have been working from home (started new job early this year just before lockdown started - this was after 3.5yrs of unemployment so that has also been a BIG struggle for me) I sit at the small table as otherwise it's on the bed which does my back in. I have no other room. That table looks /overlooks the front where I can see "my home" literally 50m away. Everytime they go in and out my eyes can't help but flick up and see...
First day back sch. She looked soo smart (she comes to the end of their street (about 10m from their front door) so that we can see each other clearly. She did her usual hand sign on "I" "Love" "You") I have been in bits since and utter despaire. My sweetheart daughter is going back to school after all the COVID crap and even though I know she's desperate to go back and be with her friends she is also probably a bit anxious - and I'm not able to be there for her for that. To talk to her. Comfort her. Hug her and say that it will be OK and that being at school is fine as the risks are low for her and that being with her friends and that is more important.
I can't carry on @@Smudgedlines but then I don't want to "go" either and not see my darling kids grow up (...my son was there too this morn. He starts back nxt week. He gave a half-heartedly wave from their front door nothing more. My daughter was excitedly saying to him she could see me (...I have a balcony with floor to ceiling windows) but he wasn't so interested. I think I've really lost him - it's like another nail in my coffin. Another sign that I should just check out now while I have still got "some" good memories!?
I'm sorry! THANKS for your msg - you may have just saved me today....
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You mustn't do anything rash. Is your daughter the eldest? You haven't lost your son. I didn't stop mine seeing his dad at all but he did go through a stage where he didn't want to and I wouldn't force him. I just told my ex to be patient, it's a stage and it's nothing personal. Mums and sons are close and daughters usually are daddy's girls in my experience. Mine is now back to seeing his dad all the time.
She is making an effort to wave at you even with the covid crap and her possible anxiety/ that speaks volumes. She obviously loves you. Son will come back I promise. Just keep waving.
you really could do with moving. Who wouldn't go mad being tortured by their old life. If you keep looking in the rear view mirror you crash into a tree. Who wouldn't be desperate and depressed.
I'm not going to try to tell you got to improve your life other than that one big practical suggestion. I can't imagine where you are now, but I know how prevalent suicide is in males and I can see how you are hurting. I've been depressed and I know it's like treacle to get out of.... but I would like you to just try one positive thing a day. Today's was your daughter. Tomorrow should be your daughter and eating something again. Day after a walk on the countryside... hopefully after waving and eating! Are you drinking? Alcohol?
and maybe get a pet. Something, just something else to live for. You can do it
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Hello GREAT ss global family member, sorry it took some time to respond. 1st) No I have no kids and ZERO family. I always longed to have a child/children, it just never worked out. Went out with ladies then they would go out with me to begin with, would dump me when they found out that i had mental illness. So never got beyound the starting point. Another piece of my puzzle is that when my "parents" died, in US dollars, they left my sister $500,000 and my brother $2,000,000 and I was not even mentioned in the will, which means I got ZERO Neither my "brother" or "sister" not only would not share any money they also made sure that I NEVER got anything. My side is from Germany, and came to the U.S. I really wanted a few things from my heritage, but both said no. End of subject they said. With that said that is why I am keen on if one has kids and enjoy them and they enjoy being around you, then waiting a while to see them blossom into adulthood is special. Now there in again it is ALWAYS easy to give ideas, opinions, etc. I am trying to see everything. It is very hard on a day to day bases but I am here for you when you need a ear, lift up, or heart.I live in the Midwest of the U.S. and i am sharing that with you as far as I ALWAYS care, love and want to help my ss global family members. Please keep in touch and remember the global family here suports and loves and so do I. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love and peace to you my great friend.
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That's really fucked up - your parents leaving you nothing, then unevenly sharing the money, and your siblings giving you nothing.
So sorry my friend, totally unfair.
Checkmate3
Student
- Aug 15, 2020
- 100
One thing I've learned from life is that if you're a good and gentle person, oh boy, the universe will be hell-bent on destroying you somehow. Bad things happen to good people way too often.
The second thing I learned: If you're a guy — don't get married, just don't. Not in these times on a geological scale.
The second thing I learned: If you're a guy — don't get married, just don't. Not in these times on a geological scale.
AloneSoAlone
Member
- Aug 28, 2020
- 31
Dear @Jpd998 - thanks soo much for your msg. Sorry about delay in getting back to you (and others that have kindly posted on my thread) - things have been very difficult lately and I have been up and down (in mood) a LOT! I was very close to ctb this weekend just gone but then my daughter came round unexpectedly (...she'd had a fight with her Mum / my Ex and so reached out to me!) She stayed with me from Sat night, we had a nice simple time Sun (...as that's ALL that I can give right now) and I took her to sch Mon morning. She was happy to go back to sch. But since then I have felt utterly devastated. Tried to spk to them Mon night as was missing them so much but they didn't pick up the phone(s). As much as i want to be there for my kids I know that I am not the Dad they need and i won't be able to step up to the mark in the future either. Well not to the extent that I could have before when i was 'functional' and certainly not to the extent that I would want to be...
I'm so sorry that you are in a similar boat to me! I would not want this situation on anyone, even my worst enemy (...who seems to be my Ex!) - thinking (knowing!) you have no future is utterly soul destroying. Agree with you about the city living. I would do anything to get back to the countryside (where i grew up) rather than being ultimately trapped in this city hell (...quite literally!) Also I too have been told i am "too nice" - and i feel it's true that only the bad guys seem to get ahead. This world is soo f'ked up!
I had Family that i was looking after (as best i could) My little girl was partially disabled since birth and i did everything i could for her. Luckily she had a life changing operation (that we could at the time afford to pay for) and that's put her on her feet independently and she's a very happy active little girl (always was but even more so now that she can independently walk). I tried my best to get my son thru his end of primary school exams and he got into a good sch afterwards. But I feel with the way the world is that no matter what we do, if by any chance my kids make similar 'bad choices' as i naively did in the past then no matter what they do they could end up in the 'same boat' - it feels absolutely pointless!?
I agree with you about the isolation and dying early/young - I'm living proof of it (...if that isn't an oxymoron). Since I have been on my own my health (mental and physical) has completely deteriorated. When my girl asks me to pick her up and swing her around like i used to its not possible any more (...again what kinda Dad am I!?) I haven't turned to alcohol and drugs - when I spoke to my Dr in the past and also mentioned about suicidal thoughts he said that as i hadn't turned to alcohol and drugs (yet!) and not done anything to harm myself (...I didn't tell him that I had actually tired once but failed just that I had ongoing and continuous thoughts about killing myself) he said that I must still have some strength and resolve in me to carry on and that i need to keep that in mind when going fwds. I think whatever of that I had before is truly run out now and if anything i'm running on negative!
I've thought quite a bit that even just 100 years ago (like say 2/3 generations worth) I'd probably be nearing the end of my 'natural' life expectancy anyway. OK not living in the wild etc but the diseases, sanitation (...I've had to live without a toilet for a few weeks when i first moved out so I know how hard that is - having to use publicly accessible toilets all the time and trying to time everything for when they are open! It was f'king horrible! I've pulled myself up from that but probably not too far from going back there again and I literally can't live like that! I think i might have said before but I have abs NO IDEA how people manage to live on the streets - these are the people that deserve awards and accolades, not these pop stars, yoo toob 'celebrities' and people like that!) So I am trying to change my mindset to thinking that reaching nearly half a century is a 'good innings' and that if i do ctb now then that's OK.
My Dr said when he first prescribed me antideps that they would help 'take the edge off' and to this day i still don't know what that means. Nothing I have tried over the course of the past 2 years (nearly) has helped, prescriptions for various different medications / antisdeps, as well as things like CBT (group) and talking therapy. Also I've had heard countless variations of "just think more positively", and "there's really nothing wrong with you, you are just seeking attention; suck it up and be an adult" "things will get better". I've been told to pray, to garden, to meditate, to chant, to exercise more, to make more friends, to change careers, and to just "stay busy" by lots of different people (professionals and otherwise).
Everything you wrote @Jpd998 makes complete sense and your kindness of "I'll be there for you whenever you need someone to talk to" is very heartwarming. There are still lots of decent people out there in world and you are surely one of them. If i had 20 good years of life left then I would be OK with carrying on but 20 (...even 1 more) year of life of this utter misery and heartache cannot be done - I am just not strong enough anymore. My bucket list would be to go and be with my Dad (overseas) and just run away from all this shit in my life. Things like going to the Grand Canyon, hobbies etc have little to no interest for me. I've tried to volunteer before but that was all cut short due to COVID - it was nice to do something like that but at the end of the day, when i got home alone, went to bed alone, got up along tried to eat alone etc. ALL the problems and thoughts I faced just came flooding back. I know pple live (happily) alone whether out of choice or necessity but I've lived my 47 years to date with people that cared and mattered to me (...parents, friends in Flat shares, my wife, our kids) I have never been forced to be alone. I've wanted alone / quiet time in the past but I knew that I would have my loved ones with me again at some point - I don't have that now at all. With that thought I'm thinking whats even the point of waiting until my 60's (...only a decade and a bit away) to start prep'ing for my passing - why not just do it now and save the potential decade of continued heartache (tho I know I'll e giving some of that to my kids and Dad). I think what also makes it much harder for me is that my Dad is nearly in his 90s and is still quite strong! I could have been there like that for my kids into their mid-lives too but I can't even be there for them when they are little and 'need' me properly as their Dad! It's a total nightmare that I don't want to wake up to any more!!
I'm sorry that you are suffering from ill health and having to take opiods - I've never taken drugs in my life, hardly drink, never smoked, used to go tot the gym regularly (...even ran a marathon once!) all with a view to being around for as long as possible (...this was even before I was married and had kids!) I have been so disillusioned with drugs and therapies I don't think I want to try any more now. Unfo I can't get a pet in my apartment as there is a no pets clause in the lease (...even a gold fish would technically be breaking the lease!!) I don't think i need more time to make my mind up - I just need the internal courage to get on with it now...
Everyone who has replied to me has meant soo much that I can't begin to express in words:
@I screwed up
@whywere
@Dreamless Sleep
@Cherrypea
@TheQ22
@Smudgedlines
@SadGuyWannaDie
@Notme
@epic
@Final Escape
@Ulisses
@Dr Iron Arc
@Alec
@sideswipe84
@TheSoundofTime
@Jpd998
@Checkmate3
THANK YOU ALL. I will try and reply to individuals if i can but i feel like my time is quite limited now. Please forgive me but know that you taking the time and effort to reply to me has helped me beyong measure in this, my darkest hour. Bless you all
(Apologies if I've inadvertently missed anyone)
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