Venting just wanting them to stop

[sincerelysad]

i made a similar post to this recently but this time i really need help grasping something.
are my suicidal thoughts and passive suicidal ideation ever going to go away? i look back on my life and i can remember year after year thinking, "there's no way i could end up wanting to ctb more than i already do." and every year my suicidality and desperation for it all to be over, for them all to stop, only grows more and more intense.
i've done therapy, inpatient, i've done the meds, i feel like i've put forth such a true and solid effort for so long, is there any point anymore? am i crawling toward a completely unachievable goal?
i want to ctb at this point for them to just stop. no matter what lies after this lifetime it has to be better than the hell of being forced to be here when all i yearn for is to not be. it's torture. and with chronic pain, anxiety, bpd, and ptsd stacked on top of it all??
why won't it end.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It definitely seems that some people will have ideations throughout their entire lifetime in light of which eliminating them would be unrealistic. I can't say if that in fact describes you, but I know it does me. It's hard when you naturally find little reward in living. That's not something that treatment can really give you.

 

[sincerelysad]

It definitely seems that some people will have ideations throughout their entire lifetime in light of which eliminating them would be unrealistic. I can't say if that in fact describes you, but I know it does me. It's hard when you naturally find little reward in living. That's not something that treatment can really give you.

i can't imagine i'll be around much longer once i have the means to access SN.

 

[leaf23]

This what I kind of think too, that if I have to live all my life I'm a trigger away from wanting to ctb

 

[AloneInCollege]

i made a similar post to this recently but this time i really need help grasping something.
are my suicidal thoughts and passive suicidal ideation ever going to go away? i look back on my life and i can remember year after year thinking, "there's no way i could end up wanting to ctb more than i already do." and every year my suicidality and desperation for it all to be over, for them all to stop, only grows more and more intense.
i've done therapy, inpatient, i've done the meds, i feel like i've put forth such a true and solid effort for so long, is there any point anymore? am i crawling toward a completely unachievable goal?

God I relate to this so so much. I'm with you. I wish so badly that there's a way to just feel better, but I'm not sure. It doesn't feel like it.

 

[sincerelysad]

God I relate to this so so much. I'm with you. I wish so badly that there's a way to just feel better, but I'm not sure. It doesn't feel like it.

i am always here if you need to vent or talk to someone <33

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly, I don't know but I've never tried to get rid of mine to be honest. I've had them for 32 years to varying intensities and they just feel like a part of me.

Have you posted this question in the recovery section? I imagine the people there may have had better success in banishing those ideas and feelings. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide to do.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

i can't imagine i'll be around much longer once i have the means to access SN.

You'd be surprised about that sadly...

 

[sincerelysad]

Honestly, I don't know but I've never tried to get rid of mine to be honest. I've had them for 32 years to varying intensities and they just feel like a part of me.

Have you posted this question in the recovery section? I imagine the people there may have had better success in banishing those ideas and feelings. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide to do.

posting in the recovery section is a great suggestion, thank you so much <33

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you have suffered so much, of course it's completely understandable wishing to be free from it all. It can be so tiring and awful having to be trapped here when there is no relief from what you experience, so I hope that you find what you wish for.

 

[june]

Yeah I feel you