Venting Just want it to end

[twest]

Hello all,

I'm a newbie here. Just want to share my story here, in a place where it feels like people actually do understand and care, not like out there where everyone is just selfish and refuse to admit it.

My parents are controlling and judgmental. The kind that looks at the world their way and if you look at it differently you are wrong. They guilt trip me whenever I do things that are against their will. And I'm 40.

When I was studying for my degree, I was gonna pick Marketing but my mom was against it, and made me pick another degree that would "hold a better financial future". I didn't want to argue so I gave in. Now when I remind her of this matter she doesn't remember at all.

I was made to leave my country to live in another country because my dad wanted to run away from his past. Insisted that I get a Permanent Residency in that country because "it is a better place and for security". I really wanted to go home but I gave in, thinking that if I get the PR I can just move on. I did and went home. In a few years, my PR was up and I had to fulfill the requirements, and my dad insisted that I leave home and go back to fulfill it again or else "some guilt tripping shit". From a second-in-charge in corporate at home, I went back to fulfill my PR conditions and had to work as a waiter for 2 years (different country different work culture, experience not recognized). Went home again. Stood my ground this time and refused to go back. On the condition that I apply to renew every year from home. Pay a hefty fee each time, which was about the average salary of a senior executive / junior manager.

My mom runs her own business. Some sort of counseling center that helps people solve their life problems. She insisted that I help her because "we need your brains" but "we can't afford to pay you what you're getting". I joined her after many rounds of talking and "persuading". I took a 70% pay cut (Country Manager position) to work with her. My starting salary was that of an executive. I was told to "behave like a director of the company, we are equals" but I was the only one among the bosses that had to "follow the rules of the company". The others could come in to work 2-3 hours late, go for dental appointments during working hours, work from home anytime they felt tired, claim their meals from company expenses, but I had to be on time and set a good example, if I did non-work stuff during office hours I was unprofessional, if I asked to work from home I would be questioned "why are you so tired?". The other bosses don't have to, but I have to carry stuff and do labor work with the staff. I'm given all the responsibilities of being a boss but I'm not an equal. I feel that "equal" is a bloody term they use to make me work harder. I'm constantly questioned and reprimanded for not joining the team for the weekend trainings, even though that was what they promised at first, that I didn't have to join those trainings unless it was absolutely necessary. The reason they give, "the team won't feel fair that we pay you if you don't work during the trainings." So I told them don't pay me for the weekends then, I don't want the money, I want my time. And I get reprimanded for not being "part of the team" and "thinking like an employee".

They hired me because "we need your brains" but whenever I make suggestions they would either argue about how "this is not how it works", or if they like it, they cannot resist making changes to my suggestion until it doesn't look like my original suggestion anymore. I'm being told all the time about how I have to improve, to be better, and how my suggestions will not work because "this is not how it works" and "this is not our concern now". And I wonder, "why the fuck did you spend so much effort convincing me to take a job with such a meager pay when you were not going to listen to my suggestions in the first place?"

For my starting pay, we had an agreement that I would work 4-day weeks so I could spend my long weekends doing what I really wanted. Earlier this year they decided they would increase my pay "because we really feel you deserve more". The supposed increase was quite significant. Then the conditions came - "5-day week". I decided I was too busy doing their work so I agreed. Then my new pay came. WAY below what I was told. My starting salary amount was a take home (after taxes etc). My NEW salary that was promised me was bravo, BEFORE taxes and all. So after deducting all that I only had so much left. Then my mom tells me, "now that you're making more money, it's time you contributed more money to the household." After deducting everything my new pay is not much more than my old pay. Why does my own mother treat me this way?

I often feel that my mom's business is more important to her than I am, but she insists that she loves me very much. Even after I told her about my depression and she showed she loved me, she continued to lump me with more and more work, and asked me to go and meet more and more people (for business). And all she says is "you're not the only one who's depressed". Whenever I talk to her it's like everything that's gone wrong in my life is my own fault. They never take into consideration that I've given in so much to them that I've fucked up my own life so completely. I'm now a 40 year old, single, making shitty money (even people I know in their 20s are making more money than me), don't have any financial future, and yes, I have a self esteem issue, but how can I find a partner when I don't even make enough to feed myself?

I know two ways out. One is to quit my mother's company and just fuck out of this place and disappear from their lives, but I cannot get past the guilt tripping, I'm just too controlled by it. Another is to fuck out of this world, seems like a much easier option.

There's a lot more. Much more about family, and about other stuff but I'm already at a point where I feel like smashing my laptop so I better stop for now.

 

[Sayo]

I think it's a good idea to keep writing it out as you have the emotional energy. It might bring clarity on whether you want to go ahead or not, or at least some peace with what has happened to you, which will help make the journey forward easier. I wanted to let you know I read it, and felt a great sadness for you. And as long as I am here on these forums and you continue updating it, I will continue reading it. I'm sorry your parents haven't done their jobs as parents by you.

Here's an unsolicited opinion from a stranger: I know cutting off your parents is very hard, but it really seems like you might be able to make it if you did it (I know I don't have the whole story). It sounded like you were a pretty independent person without falling into their trap, and didn't need to live with them and support them the way they demanded, but that they basically got you under their thumb by luring you, step by step, in (maybe not intentionally, they just progressively use you as a crutch and rationalise it in the immediate). After all, they are dependent on you, and keep you sacrificing your life for them via emotional control, abuse, exploitation, and your good nature. Yes, they have sabotaged your financial future, but if you were able to become independent from your family and get another job, you could start working on your self-esteem and looking to date. Or even just to focus on having friends and learning to enjoy the life you were robbed of.

Please know that when I write this, I am not saying 'you ought to live just because it sounds possible'. I am here because I am suicidal too, and I do not think you should be denied your autonomy, or emancipation through death if you would prefer it over some emancipation in life. I am saying that because you said yourself there are two options. And for sure, one is harder, and it is okay to just want peace, and to not fight any more.

I have cut off a parent. It is surprisingly easy once you are resolved to do it. Before I did it, I was overwhelmed by guilt, grief, and the difficulty of doing it, but I felt free and happy once I realised I was going to be strong enough to keep it up, not falter, not let myself down. After all, as children, as innocents, we bond with our parents and we are taught to love them - that's still within us even if only primitively after the abuse. But as adults we can get through the hard calls day by day and adapt. We can face the negatives about them, and close our hearts to the guilt, and reevaluate them more critically as time goes on.

What really gets annoying is if they have other people to run interference for them and plead their case. So you have to be fine with telling those people that you aren't willing to talk about it with them, and understand that you might lose those ties too. So on one hand I don't speak to my paternal family, but on the other hand, I also don't have to speak to them.

Either way, you don't owe them anything. They brought you into the world, and were thus obligated to support you as best they could into adulthood, and hopefully after. You have given them far more than they have given you. One might grieve the love they thought they had with people like these, but they were never equipped to give it. I'm very sorry.

Do you have nurturing tendencies? Do you feel the need to rescue your parents, or to feel needed and wanted? I may just be overanalysing there, but it feels like they have used that a bit against you. Many children who are in this kind of situation with their parents often find they have been raised in a way where their parents' emotional, financial, and mental issues are the first priority to them from early childhood in an inappropriate way (parentification) and they learn to meet their parents' needs before their own. Do they REALLY need you, or do you just make it more convenient for them to indulge bad habits and smooth over bad decisions? If they would totally fail without their 40-year-old kid, and it's not because of old age but instead because they've used you to enable their dependence, maybe it's time to let them learn.

I can't tell you why your mom treats you like that. Maybe she cares about you in her own way (this is probably the case, she has some emotional bond with you) and has some kind of damage/issues herself that prevent her from seeing clearly, from understanding the situation properly or processing it correctly against her own values and desires (her business as a proxy for her ego, status, financial situation, dreams, who knows what). Maybe she has no spine and is beholden to someone else. But at this point, she is not gonna suddenly turn around and put you first, or even equal. And that's the job of any good parent - to stand up to impulses and other interests that would compromise parenting in a serious way like that.