Surek
Peaceful
- Aug 26, 2025
- 112
So, this will probably come out a bit disorganized, but I just want to vent my thoughts because I'm angry about what happened to me yesterday
Yesterday I was planning to CTB, but, as you can see, I'm still here. People have issues with SI, and I'm no exception to the rule. Some try to suppress it with benzos, some do it on an impulse, and others somehow gather their resolve and overcome it. But that's not the point
If we count the moment the substance was swallowed as an attempt, then I've had two. The first was when I was somewhere between 17 and 18, the second between 19 and 20. Now I'm 24 and a half
Back then, I didn't know about SaSu or PPeH, and AI's didn't exist yet either. I was on my own, and with my meager knowledge, I tried to do it first with Caffeine, and then with Drotaverine. It wasn't painful, though I didn't feel great. I've had worse conditions caused by various infections or food poisoning
The first time (Caffeine), I didn't experience SI, and calmly drank everything. It ended with vomiting and calling an ambulance, which, however, wrote it off as dairy poisoning. When I was in the infectious disease ward, for some reason I had a recurrence of severe tachycardia, and that's when I panicked because I thought I might kick the bucket
The second time (Drotaverine) was a kind of... "planned-impulsive" mix, and panic set in when I had swallowed half of the pills. A memory of my first attempt just suddenly popped into my head - specifically the moment I was taking those caffeine pills - after which I abruptly dumped everything into the toilet and tried to induce vomiting. It didn't seem to help much, as soon after I had to make an immense effort not to collapse to the ground like a sack of potatoes. I didn't seek help that time, but nevertheless, I got through it
I don't regret making those two attempts. They didn't make my life worse, but they didn't make it better either. If anything, I only regret that they failed, because at this moment my life is no different from what I expected it to be, and what it was back then. Just wasted time...
When I discovered PPeH and read about SN, I bought it soon after, but put off the attempt for a long time. When I finally mixed it, I just couldn't drink it - I didn't have the nerve. I'm not entirely sure what the issue was: echoes of past attempts making the SI stronger, and/or uncertainty about the method itself and/or the substance I had at the time
When I returned to considering this method again and soon discovered SaSu, there was already enough information about both the method and SN itself, how to test it, and so on (for which I am grateful). I studied it enough for myself, deeming it a suitable method, and at the same time made sure my SN was pure (which made me happy at the time). My fear right now is irrational, and I have to follow various conditions to ease it
Once I made sure of the purity of my SN and more or less figured out how to ease my fear, the next problem became "false" hopes. Like, maybe somehow everything will work out, get better, I should give it a chance, and all that other nonsense, which I have to deal with by steering my thoughts in the right direction, throwing counterarguments at it, etc. I think many are familiar with this
But I had never encountered such a flare-up of SI as the one I had yesterday. When I (as I thought) had dealt with the fear and false hopes, took an antiemetic, showered, and then began waiting for the designated hour, my fear started to intensify, and those "false" hopes became... "blinding." It was as if I hit a stone wall that I couldn't break through. No logic worked here; everything came down to "EVERYTHING IS OK, GIVE IT A CHANCE, IT WILL ALL WORK OUT"
I just started shaking, and every thought of going to the room (a utility room in an apartment building containing a PC with CCTV equipment; I have a key to it) where I was going to CTB caused me to freeze up. When I finally left the apartment, along with the remnants of my willpower, I was finished off by intensified thoughts and feelings toward people precious to me. Ultimately, I couldn't bring myself to enter that room, and instead went outside, where I started to feel as if I were being pumped with drugs - the sun was brighter, the grass greener, the sky bluer, and the breeze more pleasant. A fucking celebration of life, nothing less
And then, as soon as I gave up and decided to postpone it (at least for a few days), everything stopped abruptly. The anxiety remained, but all those hopes, feelings, and cheerfulness were gone. It was as if the moment SI achieved its goal, it immediately packed up all that shit and took off, leaving me alone, empty-handed, with the thoughts: "So why did I put it off again?"
It's a mockery. If this instinct is so desperate to force me to live, then why can't it let me keep all that drug-like shit it was just flooding me with?
Despite all this, I am angry - very angry - specifically because it dragged people precious to me into this, as if making them the reason I can't leave. It's a very low, vile trick that infuriates me. And I have nowhere to direct this anger, except to try to calm down a bit by writing this post...
Yesterday I was planning to CTB, but, as you can see, I'm still here. People have issues with SI, and I'm no exception to the rule. Some try to suppress it with benzos, some do it on an impulse, and others somehow gather their resolve and overcome it. But that's not the point
If we count the moment the substance was swallowed as an attempt, then I've had two. The first was when I was somewhere between 17 and 18, the second between 19 and 20. Now I'm 24 and a half
Back then, I didn't know about SaSu or PPeH, and AI's didn't exist yet either. I was on my own, and with my meager knowledge, I tried to do it first with Caffeine, and then with Drotaverine. It wasn't painful, though I didn't feel great. I've had worse conditions caused by various infections or food poisoning
The first time (Caffeine), I didn't experience SI, and calmly drank everything. It ended with vomiting and calling an ambulance, which, however, wrote it off as dairy poisoning. When I was in the infectious disease ward, for some reason I had a recurrence of severe tachycardia, and that's when I panicked because I thought I might kick the bucket
The second time (Drotaverine) was a kind of... "planned-impulsive" mix, and panic set in when I had swallowed half of the pills. A memory of my first attempt just suddenly popped into my head - specifically the moment I was taking those caffeine pills - after which I abruptly dumped everything into the toilet and tried to induce vomiting. It didn't seem to help much, as soon after I had to make an immense effort not to collapse to the ground like a sack of potatoes. I didn't seek help that time, but nevertheless, I got through it
I don't regret making those two attempts. They didn't make my life worse, but they didn't make it better either. If anything, I only regret that they failed, because at this moment my life is no different from what I expected it to be, and what it was back then. Just wasted time...
When I discovered PPeH and read about SN, I bought it soon after, but put off the attempt for a long time. When I finally mixed it, I just couldn't drink it - I didn't have the nerve. I'm not entirely sure what the issue was: echoes of past attempts making the SI stronger, and/or uncertainty about the method itself and/or the substance I had at the time
When I returned to considering this method again and soon discovered SaSu, there was already enough information about both the method and SN itself, how to test it, and so on (for which I am grateful). I studied it enough for myself, deeming it a suitable method, and at the same time made sure my SN was pure (which made me happy at the time). My fear right now is irrational, and I have to follow various conditions to ease it
Once I made sure of the purity of my SN and more or less figured out how to ease my fear, the next problem became "false" hopes. Like, maybe somehow everything will work out, get better, I should give it a chance, and all that other nonsense, which I have to deal with by steering my thoughts in the right direction, throwing counterarguments at it, etc. I think many are familiar with this
But I had never encountered such a flare-up of SI as the one I had yesterday. When I (as I thought) had dealt with the fear and false hopes, took an antiemetic, showered, and then began waiting for the designated hour, my fear started to intensify, and those "false" hopes became... "blinding." It was as if I hit a stone wall that I couldn't break through. No logic worked here; everything came down to "EVERYTHING IS OK, GIVE IT A CHANCE, IT WILL ALL WORK OUT"
I just started shaking, and every thought of going to the room (a utility room in an apartment building containing a PC with CCTV equipment; I have a key to it) where I was going to CTB caused me to freeze up. When I finally left the apartment, along with the remnants of my willpower, I was finished off by intensified thoughts and feelings toward people precious to me. Ultimately, I couldn't bring myself to enter that room, and instead went outside, where I started to feel as if I were being pumped with drugs - the sun was brighter, the grass greener, the sky bluer, and the breeze more pleasant. A fucking celebration of life, nothing less
And then, as soon as I gave up and decided to postpone it (at least for a few days), everything stopped abruptly. The anxiety remained, but all those hopes, feelings, and cheerfulness were gone. It was as if the moment SI achieved its goal, it immediately packed up all that shit and took off, leaving me alone, empty-handed, with the thoughts: "So why did I put it off again?"
It's a mockery. If this instinct is so desperate to force me to live, then why can't it let me keep all that drug-like shit it was just flooding me with?
Despite all this, I am angry - very angry - specifically because it dragged people precious to me into this, as if making them the reason I can't leave. It's a very low, vile trick that infuriates me. And I have nowhere to direct this anger, except to try to calm down a bit by writing this post...
