Just Venting about unable to CTB due to family

[Redleaf1992]

Just needed to vent about the challenges I'm facing with not being able to go through with it due to family.

The past week I've been feeling more depressed, and the desire to CTB has strong. But at the same time I feel more aware than ever about the harm it will do my family, and can't do it for them. I've seen a lot of videos of family members who lost members who were forum members, and it tears me up from the inside (despite the pain some of those people have caused to friends on here).

It feels awful, I have no vision of a future and just feel doomed and stressed but unable to put my middle finger up to this world and move on.

The rest of my family have their lives put well together, it isn't fair that I as the struggling one has to do what's best for the others through my pain and become Saint Redleaf.

Even before then I found getting a day to CTB hard. I live alone in my flat and didn't want to leave my flat behind in a state for them to sort out when I'm gone. But there is so much to do, one my hobbies is tabletop miniature gaming and I would wanna sell most the stuff again so I don't have to put my family through the grief of doing that.

But it's so hard, having a tidy flat is difficult for me at the best of times, but with the lack of energy I can't ever do it - and my flat just gets messier not tidier. And I'm incompetent at packing and posting to sell stuff lol.

CTB would just feel so much easier if I didn't have to worry about all this, I could simply pick a day that felt right to me and not worry. I wish I could tell my family that I wish to die, in a way that they could accept it and allow me to move on with little grief. But we all know how those conversations really go, which just isn't fair. Prisoner to life.

Sorry rant over, just needed to let that out.

 

[KillingPain267]

I feel the exact same. But the pain is becoming so strong that I am starting to suppress thoughts of how my family will grieve. I am just that tired

 

[Redleaf1992]

I feel the exact same. But the pain is becoming so strong that I am starting to suppress thoughts of how my family will grieve. I am just that tired

I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain :( I think at some point when the pain is too much we just have to do what is right for us.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Definitely relate to not wanting to put family through it, it's the sole reason I haven't ctbed yet. Don't know your situation, but for me it's just for one family member who's older than me so I at least know I'll be able to once they die.

 

[crystal_meth97]

Same. My parents are the only reason I just can't bring myself to CTB. It doesn't help that I already have several failed attempts. They really love me and care about me and try their best to understand my struggles, but I still feel miserable. Knowing how awful this world is and how terrible people in general are, I just can't enjoy anything. I have mental health issues, too. Life is on difficult mode for me nearly all the time. My parents would be irreversibly devastated if I CTB. Their lives would forever change. They understand how hard it is for me, but my death would still devastate them, naturally. I wish I was never born in the first place. My plan for now is to CTB soon after they die. But I'll have to wait quite a lot until then…

 

[tbroken]

Same. My parents are the only reason I just can't bring myself to CTB. It doesn't help that I already have several failed attempts. They really love me and care about me and try their best to understand my struggles, but I still feel miserable. Knowing how awful this world is and how terrible people in general are, I just can't enjoy anything. I have mental health issues, too. Life is on difficult mode for me nearly all the time. My parents would be irreversibly devastated if I CTB. Their lives would forever change. They understand how hard it is for me, but my death would still devastate them, naturally. I wish I was never born in the first place. My plan for now is to CTB soon after they die. But I'll have to wait quite a lot until then…

I have the same things in mind guys. Imo it is just SI speaking or habit, because especially my father can be worried or devastated(after my departure) as much as he wants, but the truth is that when he had to do things, he didn't. Lately i only think about the past and the things i should have avoided, i don't live in the present and I see no future. The only person I'm worried about is my Mother. She cares for me and she will live the rest of her life crying about me, i know it for sure. But, really, I think it is just a sort of SI. I'm undestanding that I never enjoyed life, I was already traumatized and wise from young age... those stupid cards and mfs life dealt to me, ruined the experience,I want to end it with ctb.
Lately I'm also thinking that, apart from rare cases, if you are born looser, you will die as a looser.
Imagine that my pain is so strong, that i change mood and opinion every 3 seconds.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's so difficult to leave this world without hurting anyone - it's impossible, unfortunately.

 

[mexican_patty]

I'm in the same situation. I tried to CTB almost a month ago and my family and friends have been so nice and supportive to me, but I can't stand the pain and stress. I'm planning to do it this month, I'm not sure, but I feel so guilty. I just keep thinking how are they gonna feel for the next weeks, months or years. I relate a lot to your words, it would be so easy without the worry of hurting others. Sending hugs.

 

[Redleaf1992]

I'm in the same situation. I tried to CTB almost a month ago and my family and friends have been so nice and supportive to me, but I can't stand the pain and stress. I'm planning to do it this month, I'm not sure, but I feel so guilty. I just keep thinking how are they gonna feel for the next weeks, months or years. I relate a lot to your words, it would be so easy without the worry of hurting others. Sending hugs.

Yes I totally feel you. When I first planned to CTB (before SS), I could not do it on the day due to the family. After seeking help on the following days (being fully honest with GP) I just get sign posted from the NHS, which led me to become suicidal again and then back to thinking about family - think I may be going in cycles for a while lol.

 

[divinemistress36]

I want to die at home so much but I can't do that to my family

 

[Redleaf1992]

I want to die at home so much but I can't do that to my family

Sorry to hear that . Is it because your worried about getting caught, or traumatising family by finding your body?

 

[divinemistress36]

Sorry to hear that . Is it because your worried about getting caught, or traumatising family by finding your body?

Traumatizing. Are you worried about your family finding your body in your place?

 

[Redleaf1992]

Traumatizing. Are you worried about your family finding your body in your place?

It really is a tough dilemma.

Well at the moment I'm trying to hold back on the desire to CTB. At times when I do want to CTB, yes this has been a thought for me particularly as I live alone it could be days before someone did find me. Part of my plan to CTB was to have a delayed email to the Samaritans with my home adress, and to ask them to send the police. Becuase Samaritans are slow to respond to emails I brought a cheap phone which I would call them on in a nearby car park to tell them to look out for the email and then chuck the phone so I coudent be traced (overly complicated I know).

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I'm in a similar situation. Despite feeling as though my parents don't really deserve it due to emotional/physical neglect and verbal abuse I received growing up, I still feel guilt when I think about them having to deal with it for the rest of their lives. I don't think they'll actually miss me too much, but I know the shame of having a daughter that CTB'd will eat at them.

I do feel guilt towards my grandparents because they gave me a lot of emotional, physical, and financial support growing up and I feel like I owe it to them to at least wait until they pass on, although I have no idea when that will be as they are still healthy and I don't want to put unnecessary strain on them.

It's like being held hostage by life. Lol

 

[melancholymallory03]

Relatable

 

[Redleaf1992]

I'm in a similar situation. Despite feeling as though my parents don't really deserve it due to emotional/physical neglect and verbal abuse I received growing up, I still feel guilt when I think about them having to deal with it for the rest of their lives. I don't think they'll actually miss me too much, but I know the shame of having a daughter that CTB'd will eat at them.

I do feel guilt towards my grandparents because they gave me a lot of emotional, physical, and financial support growing up and I feel like I owe it to them to at least wait until they pass on, although I have no idea when that will be as they are still healthy and I don't want to put unnecessary strain on them.

It's like being held hostage by life. Lol

I'm sorry you're going through that. Guilt is a powerful thing but also shows you caring which is good.

I totally get feeling like a hostage at times. My thoughts were similiar in that its like being a prisoner where life is the jail bars

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I'm sorry you're going through that. Guilt is a powerful thing but also shows you caring which is good.

I totally get feeling like a hostage at times. My thoughts were similiar in that its like being a prisoner where life is the jail bars

Thanks for that, I sometimes wonder if guilt and caring are actually the same. A lot of your original post really resonates with me, I have a hard time envisioning the future, getting the motivation to do anything, even prepare for CTB. I feel for you

 

[hopeless08]

Just needed to vent about the challenges I'm facing with not being able to go through with it due to family.

The past week I've been feeling more depressed, and the desire to CTB has strong. But at the same time I feel more aware than ever about the harm it will do my family, and can't do it for them. I've seen a lot of videos of family members who lost members who were forum members, and it tears me up from the inside (despite the pain some of those people have caused to friends on here).

It feels awful, I have no vision of a future and just feel doomed and stressed but unable to put my middle finger up to this world and move on.

The rest of my family have their lives put well together, it isn't fair that I as the struggling one has to do what's best for the others through my pain and become Saint Redleaf.

Even before then I found getting a day to CTB hard. I live alone in my flat and didn't want to leave my flat behind in a state for them to sort out when I'm gone. But there is so much to do, one my hobbies is tabletop miniature gaming and I would wanna sell most the stuff again so I don't have to put my family through the grief of doing that.

But it's so hard, having a tidy flat is difficult for me at the best of times, but with the lack of energy I can't ever do it - and my flat just gets messier not tidier. And I'm incompetent at packing and posting to sell stuff lol.

CTB would just feel so much easier if I didn't have to worry about all this, I could simply pick a day that felt right to me and not worry. I wish I could tell my family that I wish to die, in a way that they could accept it and allow me to move on with little grief. But we all know how those conversations really go, which just isn't fair. Prisoner to life.

Sorry rant over, just needed to let that out.

Your story is very heartfelt and resonates with me. I'm having the same struggles.
I'm completely depressed, don't see anyway out and just in constant emotional pain, the kind of pain that makes it hard to breathe.
My family, especially my mom who is 80 doesn't deserve the kind of torturous suffering I will put her through by ending my life, first of all I'm sure she would not survive it, I'm sure that upon hearing the news her heart will literally stop.
She's been the most amazing mother to me and my siblings. She was a single mother working like crazy to ensure that we always had everything we ever wanted, gave us never ending love and protected us from everything.
She's a pure soul with a heart of gold and after sacrificing everything for me and in the end ctbing is the way I would repay her. It tears my heart out when I think about her and how loving she is and how sensitive she is. Just the thought of how she would feel makes me bawl out in tears. She knows I'm depressed because I live with her but not to the extent of suicide. I never leave the house, in my pajamas all day the only time I leave my room is to go sit with her everyday and try my hardest to smile and pretend I'm ok, which is unbelievably hard.
She tells me all the time that the day she sees me up and leading a normal life,happy going out, having friends, will be the happiest day of her life.
How do I do that, it's impossible, I know it won't happen and I'm just completely breaking her heart but it's something I can't control.
So like you said it's an impossible situation and I don't know if you feel this way but I always wish that she and my siblings didn't love me so they wouldn't have to suffer and I could ctb in peace.
We don't deserve this and I'll never understand why good hearted people like you are have to be put through this agony. I wish I could say something that would help you but all I can tell you is that you're not alone in these sentiments.
If you feel like venting you can pm me anytime.

 

[Redleaf1992]

Your story is very heartfelt and resonates with me. I'm having the same struggles.
I'm completely depressed, don't see anyway out and just in constant emotional pain, the kind of pain that makes it hard to breathe.
My family, especially my mom who is 80 doesn't deserve the kind of torturous suffering I will put her through by ending my life, first of all I'm sure she would not survive it, I'm sure that upon hearing the news her heart will literally stop.
She's been the most amazing mother to me and my siblings. She was a single mother working like crazy to ensure that we always had everything we ever wanted, gave us never ending love and protected us from everything.
She's a pure soul with a heart of gold and after sacrificing everything for me and in the end ctbing is the way I would repay her. It tears my heart out when I think about her and how loving she is and how sensitive she is. Just the thought of how she would feel makes me bawl out in tears. She knows I'm depressed because I live with her but not to the extent of suicide. I never leave the house, in my pajamas all day the only time I leave my room is to go sit with her everyday and try my hardest to smile and pretend I'm ok, which is unbelievably hard.
She tells me all the time that the day she sees me up and leading a normal life,happy going out, having friends, will be the happiest day of her life.
How do I do that, it's impossible, I know it won't happen and I'm just completely breaking her heart but it's something I can't control.
So like you said it's an impossible situation and I don't know if you feel this way but I always wish that she and my siblings didn't love me so they wouldn't have to suffer and I could ctb in peace.
We don't deserve this and I'll never understand why good hearted people like you are have to be put through this agony. I wish I could say something that would help you but all I can tell you is that you're not alone in these

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry for your struggels, your mother seems really kind.

I tottaly feel you, in wishing my family didn't love to me to allow me to CTB. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad to have had the love of my family and feel for then people who haven't had this fortune. However when you don't see a way foward in life, I need to know I'm not hurting the ones I love. I just want to be forgotten when I CTB.

From what you say I think you feel the same? Again I'm sorry your stuck in the area of being unable to live but unable to cope with the guilt of dying.

 

[Optimu$]

In the end this is just a time thing and whether you'll ever get round to doing all that you need to before you lose all will to live and CTB. Take comfort in the fact that you clearly have self control and some strengths that allow you to make these decisions despite the fact you wanna CTB now. For me I'm just suffering too much physically and mentally to be able to do that anymore. Try to feel better for knowing that you are trying to put off your needs for theirs.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Just needed to vent about the challenges I'm facing with not being able to go through with it due to family.

The past week I've been feeling more depressed, and the desire to CTB has strong. But at the same time I feel more aware than ever about the harm it will do my family, and can't do it for them. I've seen a lot of videos of family members who lost members who were forum members, and it tears me up from the inside (despite the pain some of those people have caused to friends on here).

It feels awful, I have no vision of a future and just feel doomed and stressed but unable to put my middle finger up to this world and move on.

The rest of my family have their lives put well together, it isn't fair that I as the struggling one has to do what's best for the others through my pain and become Saint Redleaf.

Even before then I found getting a day to CTB hard. I live alone in my flat and didn't want to leave my flat behind in a state for them to sort out when I'm gone. But there is so much to do, one my hobbies is tabletop miniature gaming and I would wanna sell most the stuff again so I don't have to put my family through the grief of doing that.

But it's so hard, having a tidy flat is difficult for me at the best of times, but with the lack of energy I can't ever do it - and my flat just gets messier not tidier. And I'm incompetent at packing and posting to sell stuff lol.

CTB would just feel so much easier if I didn't have to worry about all this, I could simply pick a day that felt right to me and not worry. I wish I could tell my family that I wish to die, in a way that they could accept it and allow me to move on with little grief. But we all know how those conversations really go, which just isn't fair. Prisoner to life.

Sorry rant over, just needed to let that out.

I feel the same way most of the time and it's far more painful wanting to ctb but can't because of others, than it feels when I want to ctb and don't care about them

 

[ThisGameIsOverrated]

sometimes I get outbursts where I feel guilty especially since my parents really did such a good job at raising me but it is what it is I can't take this no more and even if I don't CTB there's still the possibility of other devastating things happening so that makes me feel less guilty

 

[.dreamless.]

Family is like the one last piece of rope that is holding my life at this moment.



Without family I would ctb asap without any hesitation. Sometimes I wish I hadn't any family at all so I had more freedom deciding about my shitty life.

 

[ham and potatoes]

im fairly close with my family, and my death would devastate them. possibly even lead to my sibling also CTB.
Its the only reason i havent done it yet, and why im trying so hard to get better mentally