Venting Just tried to CTB with hanging---SI took over, cried on the forest floor, here I am again.

[molassesmorasses]

I've been doing kind of better for the last two-ish weeks---still have many ups and downs, but I've been getting better at handling them. I'm trying to fix my ED for my girlfriend after I attempted in January due to her starting to go on occasional runs (PTSD, childhood reminders, grew up with an ED mother, I've a bad history with exercise to this day, I had just started trying to get better with food and knowing that it felt that bad and gave me such bad panic attacks made me hopeless, I felt/feel like a monster, etc.), and I've been able to get myself to eat semi-consistently with less often guilt-purges and less often restriction. I've felt the most human I've felt in awhile, outside of the ebb and flow of psychosis and my constant anxiety.

She made a comment while I was taking her to work about the weather being cold today and how one of her goals for the summer is to go on a run every day, and I shut down. I managed to hide it while she was still present, but once I was alone I lost it. I know that I can't handle that. I watched her develop an eating disorder for a year and a half and lose most of her body weight and become a different person, recover and regain a little of it (and admittedly, despite how much of a monster this makes me feel like, I'm pretty certain the only reason I've been even relatively stable was because she's been eating and not exercising) and just thinking about the difference not only triggers me to hell and back but sets my brain on fucking fire. I know that this makes me cruel and controlling, but it genuinely doesn't feel like me. It feels like a part of my brain that has existed for as long as I have, like an animal that I've had to fight for years, and at a moment's notice it can take over and make me cruel. I very hastily made a note and sealed it, went to my clearing in the woods, got ready, tried, SI took over, tried, SI took over, I broke down on the forest floor, and I'm just so tired.

I'm so tired of not being able to fix this, not being able to excise this monster from my fucking brain, being the monster, being cruel, being ruinous and poisonous. I want out. I don't want to ruin her, we've made a home together. There's no out, and all I can see is how badly it will hurt and how badly I will hurt her by being an anxious, disordered, competitive mess and constantly mourning the version of her that no longer exists now that disorder has changed her physically and mentally. Who am I to miss that version of her? I love her now, but some part of me wont let go and it feels horrible. What kind of monster am I to need that control, to not accept, to need something different, to be less than enough, to self-destruct every time at the slightest hint of any of this, to fall apart so readily, to have no one to blame in name except her when it is all my fault that I'm not fixed? There's nothing after this!

Fuck! I just want out.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

i'm so sorry you're going through this, i understand a lot of how you're feeling. i also have an ed and i get incredibly triggered when anyone mentions diets or exercise. once at school my friend told me she hadn't eaten for a certain amount of time because she had a fight with her parents and so came home very late. i had to go home because it triggered me so badly.
eds are so competitive, i find myself comparing every single thing others eat, how fast they eat, how much they exercise and walk etc, it does feel, like you said, like my brain is on fire.
an ed can make you feel cruel and shallow and ashamed of your own thoughts, but it's not your fault. it's such a fucked part of our brains, but i can promise that it's not a reflection of who you truly are as a person. an eating disorder feels so all-consuming, it's not your fault that you're not 'fixed' and that your thoughts can seem so cruel at times.
i also often feel like there's no way out of the thoughts and brain my ed has infected, but i do think it's truly possible- one of my friends has recovered completely from anorexia, and another friend from bullimia. the first friend, especially, has struggled for years and years but i see the difference in how much happier she is, and it gives me hope.
you seem to care deeply about your girlfriend, and i don't think you would be feeling so strongly about this if you weren't a good person. i truly hope things get better for you <3

 

[molassesmorasses]

i'm so sorry you're going through this, i understand a lot of how you're feeling. i also have an ed and i get incredibly triggered when anyone mentions diets or exercise. once at school my friend told me she hadn't eaten for a certain amount of time because she had a fight with her parents and so came home very late. i had to go home because it triggered me so badly.
eds are so competitive, i find myself comparing every single thing others eat, how fast they eat, how much they exercise and walk etc, it does feel, like you said, like my brain is on fire.
an ed can make you feel cruel and shallow and ashamed of your own thoughts, but it's not your fault. it's such a fucked part of our brains, but i can promise that it's not a reflection of who you truly are as a person. an eating disorder feels so all-consuming, it's not your fault that you're not 'fixed' and that your thoughts can seem so cruel at times.
i also often feel like there's no way out of the thoughts and brain my ed has infected, but i do think it's truly possible- one of my friends has recovered completely from anorexia, and another friend from bullimia. the first friend, especially, has struggled for years and years but i see the difference in how much happier she is, and it gives me hope.
you seem to care deeply about your girlfriend, and i don't think you would be feeling so strongly about this if you weren't a good person. i truly hope things get better for you <3

Thank you, I appreciate it. I struggle to see how she recovered so cleanly and completely, but we're different people---mine developed at a young age from a narcissistic mother, hers developed in her teenage years. It's hard. I love her so much, and I don't want to continue to be the issue. We've had a couple conversations about how this affects us. Sometimes it feels a bit like that cruelty, whether it's ED-related or not, seeded itself in some rut in my brain when I was young and grew, and grew until it strangled the life out of whatever mind there could have been, y'know? And now there's just nothing left but that epiphytic cruelty that makes me spiral at the mention of anything related to health, food, exercise, and become dangerous to myself and the worst kind of toxic; it makes me "need" either her to change (i.e. not exercise---that's my cruelty) or for me to be a completely different person, the kind that is unaffected and unharmed by such mundane things.

Bluh.

I want good things. Sorry for replying to your support with more ranting, lmao. I'm a rambling mess. Thank you for your kind words, regardless. <3

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it's true that existing here in this world certainly can be so torturous. Hanging certainly sounds like a difficult method to succeed with to me, the fear of failure is why I've never attempted, I hate how it's not more straightforward to leave this world and how suicide methods can fail but anyway I wish you the best, it certainly is like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering.

 

[Valky]

I am really sorry that you are having such a rough time :/

But you know that this is just the voices talking and not really 'you'. You have all the time in the world, don't rush things. As time goes on you grow and you will learn how to handle those feelings. You are not fault. No one is at fault for trauma being created by the hands of others. I know this is incredibly unfair but keep trying. For her, for your relationship and most importantly for yourself.

Lots of love and I wish you all the best <3

 

[The Howling Void]

I've been doing kind of better for the last two-ish weeks---still have many ups and downs, but I've been getting better at handling them. I'm trying to fix my ED for my girlfriend after I attempted in January due to her starting to go on occasional runs (PTSD, childhood reminders, grew up with an ED mother, I've a bad history with exercise to this day, I had just started trying to get better with food and knowing that it felt that bad and gave me such bad panic attacks made me hopeless, I felt/feel like a monster, etc.), and I've been able to get myself to eat semi-consistently with less often guilt-purges and less often restriction. I've felt the most human I've felt in awhile, outside of the ebb and flow of psychosis and my constant anxiety.

She made a comment while I was taking her to work about the weather being cold today and how one of her goals for the summer is to go on a run every day, and I shut down. I managed to hide it while she was still present, but once I was alone I lost it. I know that I can't handle that. I watched her develop an eating disorder for a year and a half and lose most of her body weight and become a different person, recover and regain a little of it (and admittedly, despite how much of a monster this makes me feel like, I'm pretty certain the only reason I've been even relatively stable was because she's been eating and not exercising) and just thinking about the difference not only triggers me to hell and back but sets my brain on fucking fire. I know that this makes me cruel and controlling, but it genuinely doesn't feel like me. It feels like a part of my brain that has existed for as long as I have, like an animal that I've had to fight for years, and at a moment's notice it can take over and make me cruel. I very hastily made a note and sealed it, went to my clearing in the woods, got ready, tried, SI took over, tried, SI took over, I broke down on the forest floor, and I'm just so tired.

I'm so tired of not being able to fix this, not being able to excise this monster from my fucking brain, being the monster, being cruel, being ruinous and poisonous. I want out. I don't want to ruin her, we've made a home together. There's no out, and all I can see is how badly it will hurt and how badly I will hurt her by being an anxious, disordered, competitive mess and constantly mourning the version of her that no longer exists now that disorder has changed her physically and mentally. Who am I to miss that version of her? I love her now, but some part of me wont let go and it feels horrible. What kind of monster am I to need that control, to not accept, to need something different, to be less than enough, to self-destruct every time at the slightest hint of any of this, to fall apart so readily, to have no one to blame in name except her when it is all my fault that I'm not fixed? There's nothing after this!

Fuck! I just want out.

Sorry: what does ED stand for in this context? I think of erectile dysfunction but I imagine it's not what you're talking about. Sorry you're suffering. So am I. Life is capricious and cruel.

 

[Valky]

Sorry: what does ED stand for in this context? I think of erectile dysfunction but I imagine it's not what you're talking about. Sorry you're suffering. So am I. Life is capricious and cruel.

I am sorry but that made me chuckle. It stands for eating disorder :)

 

[molassesmorasses]

Sorry: what does ED stand for in this context? I think of erectile dysfunction but I imagine it's not what you're talking about. Sorry you're suffering. So am I. Life is capricious and cruel.

Eating disorder lmao, i.e. my lifelong anorexia/anorexic-purging (purging being self-induced vomiting, over-exercise, etc.)

 

[The Howling Void]

Eating disorder lmao, i.e. my lifelong anorexia/anorexic-purging (purging being self-induced vomiting, over-exercise, etc.)

Oh yeah I get it! Makes sense. I'm glad I could at least amuse you with my ignorance.

I am sorry but that made me chuckle. It stands for eating disorder :)

Makes sense now! I'm glad I could at least make you chuckle with my ignorance.