Just tired of this game

[Stars]

Hi everyone, I feel awkward posting here but I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I feel awkward because there's nothing wrong with my life, in fact it's pretty good. I'm high functioning, high achieving, very comfortable financially. I have friends and family and an SO, though I don't have much attachment to anyone, and I'm pretty confident that I wouldn't be that sad if any of them died. I've been on and off suicidal since I was a teenager and in the past few years it's just gotten worse.

The way I view it is that life is like a video game and I'm tired of playing it. Going through the motions, waiting for the next dopamine hit and then feeling bad in between. Yes there are things in life that give me enjoyment, but I don't care if I don't experience them. I have SN, and I keep telling myself that why ctb now when I can wait and do it anytime, but I'm just feeling more and more now like why wait? There are basically two things stopping me - the idea of what my body will look like after SN, and feeling like other people have it so much worse than I do and I shouldn't feel the way that I do. Wish I could just die of natural causes.

Not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe some perspective.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Hi everyone, I feel awkward posting here but I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I feel awkward because there's nothing wrong with my life, in fact it's pretty good. I'm high functioning, high achieving, very comfortable financially. I have friends and family and an SO, though I don't have much attachment to anyone, and I'm pretty confident that I wouldn't be that sad if any of them died. I've been on and off suicidal since I was a teenager and in the past few years it's just gotten worse.

The way I view it is that life is like a video game and I'm tired of playing it. Going through the motions, waiting for the next dopamine hit and then feeling bad in between. Yes there are things in life that give me enjoyment, but I don't care if I don't experience them. I have SN, and I keep telling myself that why ctb now when I can wait and do it anytime, but I'm just feeling more and more now like why wait? There are basically two things stopping me - the idea of what my body will look like after SN, and feeling like other people have it so much worse than I do and I shouldn't feel the way that I do. Wish I could just die of natural causes.

Not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe some perspective.

Hi, unfortunately life can be very unbearable no matter one's circumstances. You have every right to feel as you do even if you have friends, job, romantic partner. You are an emotional being and that's okay. Any reason why these thoughts arised in your teens?

 

[magicalsarcoma]

Have you tried measuring your hormones? Such apathy can be caused endogenously sometimes. By the way, i guess there are quite a lot of people with a similar problem, but we don't hear about them much because they have nothing to characterize as their problem
And life can really be boring. I don't know what to say

 

[Stars]

Hi, unfortunately life can be very unbearable no matter one's circumstances. You have every right to feel as you do even if you have friends, job, romantic partner. You are an emotional being and that's okay. Any reason why these thoughts arised in your teens?

Thanks. I think I always never really values life, but when I was a teen, it was mostly because of concern that I wouldn't be able to succeed in life.

Have you tried measuring your hormones? Such apathy can be caused endogenously sometimes. By the way, i guess there are quite a lot of people with a similar problem, but we don't hear about them much because they have nothing to characterize as their problem
And life can really be boring. I don't know what to say

No, I haven't. It makes sense my emotions are caused by fucked up chemicals, but I don't know that I want a cure. And yeah, life can be boring and shitty and shitty for people. There is so much wrong in our world, it makes me not want to be a part of it

 

[magicalsarcoma]

Thanks. I think I always never really values life, but when I was a teen, it was mostly because of concern that I wouldn't be able to succeed in life.

No, I haven't. It makes sense my emotions are caused by fucked up chemicals, but I don't know that I want a cure. And yeah, life can be boring and shitty and shitty for people. There is so much wrong in our world, it makes me not want to be a part of it

I guess hormone testing might make sense. I mean, problems in the perception of the surrounding reality can be somatogenic. For example, it may be due to thyroid dysfunction, some neurological diseases, some diseases of the brain. If anything, i didn't want to worry you with this. But, for example, where i live (north), many people suffer from iodine and vitamin D deficiency and this provokes endocrine diseases, which can often be associated with mood disorders.
I thought it might be interesting to find out if life is really boring and shitty for you, no matter what, or if there's just something wrong with hormones and it can be fixed.
(this text was supposed to look kind of supportive, I'm not sure how I did it, hah)

 

[FuneralCry]

To me personally, there is nothing interesting about living. I see life as just being a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it. Just simply being alive is enough of a reason to make me want to leave, I prefer the sound of non existence. The way that I see it, we all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing, it is a personal decision when to leave this world, none of us asked to exist in the first place. It is up to you. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.