Just secured benzos. I'm considering not using them (SN)

[Care]

Got my benzos from the dark net a little while ago (Diazepam), so now I have the trifecta of SN, meto, and benzos for the ultimate peaceful death, right?

Well, I'm considering not using the benzos. As much as I want my death to be as painless as possible... there's a part of me that wants to experience the same kind of death that pretty much every human in history has experienced. I want my brain to be awake in its final moments, and to experience that 'last adventure' (as I've heard someone on here describe it) without sedation blocking any of it. I want to experience death as it is.

Am I being a little foolish here? It did cost me around a hundred bucks for this tab, but at the same time who gaf about money when I'm gonna die soon anyways.
From what I know, benzos are there to make you lose consciousness quicker and therefore experience less nausea and pain. One factor I might be missing is that benzos could help the success rate by lowering the chances of throwing up enough SN to survive by making me unconscious quicker.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think taking benzos can take away from the experience of 'death' or do you think they are a great option to make ctb easier?

 

[gottacheckout]

I have said many times that I want to be aware during my day as a last adventure. I have used adventures as a coping method, not just the adventure but all the time planning it and writing it up after.

I have easy access to Ativan but I'm not planning on collecting it since I don't think I'd take it. That is how I feel today but it can certainly change.

 

[Xiaojiu]

If that's what you want for your death, no one can hold it against you tbh

 

[Care]

I have said many times that I want to be aware during my day as a last adventure. I have used adventures as a coping method, not just the adventure but all the time planning it and writing it up after.

I have easy access to Ativan but I'm not planning on collecting it since I don't think I'd take it. That is how I feel today but it can certainly change.

Ah it was you who said that in a post. I do like the idea of treating it as a personal adventure, as it's something that I've never experienced and will never experience again. Secretly logging all of these thoughts and specifics regarding my method for my family and a friend of mine has also been quite rewarding (though it may haunt them a little).

I guess I'm really interested in how I'll feel in those last moments up until and even after my heart stops beating. What will I perceive? I've heard that your brain lights up with memory activity when you die, possibly meaning you could experience a brief flashback of your entire life. If benzos would prevent whatever happens at that point, then I might not take them.