I had years of successfully improving my mental health to been thrown in the gutter in the space of a few days, seven months ago. I learnt to accept anxiety and be content that i'll always be introverted and have a small social circle to then literally be dumped and left for someone else because quote "they want their boyfriend to have friends". I also learnt not to compare myself to others just to eventually have the person who supposedly loved me tell me they were instead working out "who was the boyfriend and who was the friend" between me and the very first other guy in their life to show them attention for 2 weeks. I painfully remember stumbling upon their two most recent tabs and realising they pulled mine and his profile pics up to compare against and yet it isn't even the looks part that hurts the most. It's every other part of being a partner that's being judged that hurts because it's you as a whole person. I was already ok with the looks part. Even before all this there were occasions like her saying "he looks better in photos" not even in reply to someone saying i wasn't, her voting someone else on a who would you most likely get with quiz of 4 other boys we lived with. But it never bothered me because she genuinely did make me feel like she liked me for everything else. I never felt like a placeholder, I trusted her word. Then to have my whole person weighed up against someone else that quickly is just fucked. It is easy to say you don't have to desire extrovertedness and it is easy to say you don't have to wish yourself to be someone else when people in your life literally wish that of you any way and your life gets affected by it whether you like it or not. I literally already learnt to not do these things years ago and improved my mental health on my own accord and look where it got me anyway. And yet above all else it's just the way it happened. Just having zero respect for me whilst she manoeuvred the dumping. That I wasn't even worth the respect to be told. To be continuously be left in the dark. All the the betrayal, the trust. I remember asking whether I could support her in one of her games, her saying yes then changing her mind the next day saying no and despite me being ok with that she then just straight up lies to the boyfriend-in-waiting raging about how im being to clingy and the like.
Even though quite clearly I was not loved, I have spent so long since in denial; refusing to admit I was a placeholder. Believing that the silence, the zero apologies, or admittance that it even happened from anyone was in fact a sign that I was mistaken. And I have become exhausted of bouncing between that and the reality; they didn't love me, they never loved me or they just... stopped loving me. Going from being their apparent favourite person to watching them move on so quickly to the next not even being enough to be given the chance to see it work out. All this confusion despite the glaring obvious. The reality is if you love someone people don't even compare. There's 6 billion people out there, there will always be someone else who has qualities more preferable then you at any given time. But you dont just upgrade to the next like you do with a phone. We arent job applicants to be weighed up against. That isn't love. if it is it's sociopathic. They may like you, see the value in you, the qualities you have, the benefits of being with you. But they don't love you, your soul, your well-being. Love is about history, memories, experiences. It is something that grows. And yet despite not being loved I so desperately want to go back to the time where I thought i did because it doesn't change the fact that i still love them. I'll continue to love them even though they don't love me. I have always loved them just for who they are, not for what they do for me. So i see no reason why i shouldn't. Obviously the reply to that would be because the reason is for my own sake but I can't anyway. Of course, it is true that it would be easier if i didn't - I have tried as such many times - but i can't help but love them so. And it's this love that has ruined me. i dont enjoy the things i once did or have the desire anymore. Everything is empty without her, everyone else in the world could be my friend but without her i would still feel lonely. I have lost everything as a result, my change in physique, the loss of my body i worked hard for is just one psychical representation of that. I sometimes think if i wasn't thrown in the same living space as her as a result of others not looking out for me then maybe it would not be the same. Maybe i wouldn't leave my current life trajectory in order to have the space to grief, maybe i wouldn't continuously try and contact her to save me and in the process ruin my life and the chances of getting back on the trajectory. But the reality is that it would be the same anyway. The grief would be still be the same, that city, a place i loved so much would still be too strong a reminder of the love i lost. Life in general would and is a reminder of the love i lost.
Even though quite clearly I was not loved, I have spent so long since in denial; refusing to admit I was a placeholder. Believing that the silence, the zero apologies, or admittance that it even happened from anyone was in fact a sign that I was mistaken. And I have become exhausted of bouncing between that and the reality; they didn't love me, they never loved me or they just... stopped loving me. Going from being their apparent favourite person to watching them move on so quickly to the next not even being enough to be given the chance to see it work out. All this confusion despite the glaring obvious. The reality is if you love someone people don't even compare. There's 6 billion people out there, there will always be someone else who has qualities more preferable then you at any given time. But you dont just upgrade to the next like you do with a phone. We arent job applicants to be weighed up against. That isn't love. if it is it's sociopathic. They may like you, see the value in you, the qualities you have, the benefits of being with you. But they don't love you, your soul, your well-being. Love is about history, memories, experiences. It is something that grows. And yet despite not being loved I so desperately want to go back to the time where I thought i did because it doesn't change the fact that i still love them. I'll continue to love them even though they don't love me. I have always loved them just for who they are, not for what they do for me. So i see no reason why i shouldn't. Obviously the reply to that would be because the reason is for my own sake but I can't anyway. Of course, it is true that it would be easier if i didn't - I have tried as such many times - but i can't help but love them so. And it's this love that has ruined me. i dont enjoy the things i once did or have the desire anymore. Everything is empty without her, everyone else in the world could be my friend but without her i would still feel lonely. I have lost everything as a result, my change in physique, the loss of my body i worked hard for is just one psychical representation of that. I sometimes think if i wasn't thrown in the same living space as her as a result of others not looking out for me then maybe it would not be the same. Maybe i wouldn't leave my current life trajectory in order to have the space to grief, maybe i wouldn't continuously try and contact her to save me and in the process ruin my life and the chances of getting back on the trajectory. But the reality is that it would be the same anyway. The grief would be still be the same, that city, a place i loved so much would still be too strong a reminder of the love i lost. Life in general would and is a reminder of the love i lost.
