My first post here, even though I've checked this forum out from time to time for years now.
I don't even know how or what I want to say. I thought I was suffering from depression or something similar for more than a decade now, but last couple of years I think I figured out what my actual issue is. Anxiety about remaining in this world alone.
I have a loving partner, good relationship with my parents, hell even an old cat that I love a lot. In my 30s now, yet for almost 15 years now, I feel as if I cannot truly enjoy the luck of being in these circumstances because of the fear and the pit in my stomach that happens when I think about how likely it is that I'll outlive my parents and my cat.
I hate the concept and rules of this life, I hate the passage of time, and more than anything, I hate death. I refuse to deal with grief, I didn't choose to be born, and I will do all I can to avoid it.
Like everyone, I too will die, and I plan to make sure that I do before my fears of losing those I love come to pass.
Perhaps I am selfish because of that, but I haven't chosen this and while it brings me no pleasure, I simply cannot bring myself to outlive them. Screw it.
Funny thing is, I am 100% sure that having a guaranteed and peaceful method to leave when the time comes would actually improve my quality of life and happiness drastically while I'm still around. Without it, it brings an extra layer of uncertainty that I won't be able to make my aforementioned plan work.
Anyway, rant over, hopefully I find a decent way out soon, if nothing just to keep it as an option when the time comes.
Wish anyone and everyone suffering all the best, whatever that may be!
I don't even know how or what I want to say. I thought I was suffering from depression or something similar for more than a decade now, but last couple of years I think I figured out what my actual issue is. Anxiety about remaining in this world alone.
I have a loving partner, good relationship with my parents, hell even an old cat that I love a lot. In my 30s now, yet for almost 15 years now, I feel as if I cannot truly enjoy the luck of being in these circumstances because of the fear and the pit in my stomach that happens when I think about how likely it is that I'll outlive my parents and my cat.
I hate the concept and rules of this life, I hate the passage of time, and more than anything, I hate death. I refuse to deal with grief, I didn't choose to be born, and I will do all I can to avoid it.
Like everyone, I too will die, and I plan to make sure that I do before my fears of losing those I love come to pass.
Perhaps I am selfish because of that, but I haven't chosen this and while it brings me no pleasure, I simply cannot bring myself to outlive them. Screw it.
Funny thing is, I am 100% sure that having a guaranteed and peaceful method to leave when the time comes would actually improve my quality of life and happiness drastically while I'm still around. Without it, it brings an extra layer of uncertainty that I won't be able to make my aforementioned plan work.
Anyway, rant over, hopefully I find a decent way out soon, if nothing just to keep it as an option when the time comes.
Wish anyone and everyone suffering all the best, whatever that may be!
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