Venting Just got SN

[corax]

Hi everyone. I usually just lurk, but this is something i can't share with anyone else in my life. Got my SN in the mail today. 100g, 99% pure.
I've always wanted to leave - the biggest obstacle in that is that i know there are people who love me, and my death will absolutely ruin them. I don't... wanna do that. Hurt the people i love. But i've also been having an increasingly terrible time lately, what with declining mental health, chronic illness, and some bad life choices i've made. So i ordered it. It's a restricted substance in my country, but i filled out the necessary paperwork. And it arrived today.
I'm not sure if/when I'm going to take it, but there is no rush. It feels very strange to have the preferred means of death in my hands finally. It fills me with a myriad of feelings, some positive, some negative, most of them confusing and overwhelming. I feel... free. In a bad way. And a good way. I don't know. It's finally here. The backdoor has been unlocked.

So yea. There it is. Can't tell anyone else. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

 

[struggle2025]

What does SN look like? Is it hard to get it?

 

[woofwag]

Hey, I'm sorry things have been so rough for you. I totally understand, and I'm feeling a lot of that same spiral too. Your life is your life. I stopped living for others a long, long time ago, although I respect having the bravery to keep pushing for the ones you love. I hope this doesn't come off as too preachy, but in my recent experience, I have started to live in the moment with them and thinking about how much I would miss being able to have those little moments of happiness with them. Even if there's so much shit all the time, I cherish what scraps I have where anything makes any sense. I'm still riddled with suicidal ideation, but idk, it's been helping to just spend more time with my loved ones and loving how it feels for me instead of thinking of their tragedy. But I think both of ways of looking at it are valid.

I am genuinely happy for you that you have it if it is making you feel free (even if it's partially in a bad way). Being able to have that opening readily available must be scary, but you're right, there's no rush. This is entirely up to you now, and I hope you can take as much time as you need to discover if it's the right decision for you or not. Feel free to DM if you ever need anything or want to talk. I understand having no one else in your life to discuss it with safely.

 

[corax]

What does SN look like? Is it hard to get it?

it looks like white or slightly yellowish crystalline powder. the availability varies from country to country, and i'm sorry to say i probably can't advise u how to get it - it really depends. but even if i could, i think it's probably for the best to do your own research!

Hey, I'm sorry things have been so rough for you. I totally understand, and I'm feeling a lot of that same spiral too. Your life is your life. I stopped living for others a long, long time ago, although I respect having the bravery to keep pushing for the ones you love. I hope this doesn't come off as too preachy, but in my recent experience, I have started to live in the moment with them and thinking about how much I would miss being able to have those little moments of happiness with them. Even if there's so much shit all the time, I cherish what scraps I have where anything makes any sense. I'm still riddled with suicidal ideation, but idk, it's been helping to just spend more time with my loved ones and loving how it feels for me instead of thinking of their tragedy. But I think both of ways of looking at it are valid.

I am genuinely happy for you that you have it if it is making you feel free (even if it's partially in a bad way). Being able to have that opening readily available must be scary, but you're right, there's no rush. This is entirely up to you now, and I hope you can take as much time as you need to discover if it's the right decision for you or not. Feel free to DM if you ever need anything or want to talk. I understand having no one else in your life to discuss it with safely.

Hey there, thank you for your empathetic response; it does mean a lot. No worries, you don't come off as preachy at all! I admire your view on the situation. It'd be nice to not live for others and instead learn to live for me. The way you describe your experience resonates with me a lot - i do wanna leave because i'm so tired, and i don't wanna do this shit anymore, but i also don't wanna waste the time left with my loved ones by feeling sorry for myself. And it would feel disingenuous to dismiss the bright moments, because those are very much still there. I think that's why i am so conflicted about it, other than not wanting to cause other people pain.
Scraps is a good word to use, in this context. I do feel like a dog waiting for whatever scraps of affection fall off the table, for the bright and sweet moments that come and go.

Thank you for the response, once again. I'm not gonna rush into anything, but having another person able to understand to talk to is... really nice. And i'd like to echo the sentiment; should u wanna talk or need anything, my DMs are open for you, distant friend.