nembutal
everything will be okay in the end
- Jul 14, 2022
- 202
i was sent to a 6 month rehabilitation program in israel in march for heroin addiction. i just got out and am attending a hostel in the same area. 6 months of four NA groups every day, complete focus on one's self, 196 clean days from everything, i still feel like shit. i was doing well but faltered past the 4 month mark when i realized i have no motivation or devotion to recover and pursue life. everyone ive seen come into the program, im talking several tens of people here, have all done a complete 180 and seem to want to stay sober. i did not. at the end of my stay i was constantly berated for my regression and i see that and my failure to succeed as proof that i must leave. if an intense six month program didn't change my outlook then what will?
things that really bother me today include. the fact that they want me as far away from home as possible so i don't relapse. ive told staff dozens of times that i don't want to stay sober and would rather happily die young but they would always tell me that if i really wanted to die, i would have done it by now. no retard, i didn't want to kill myself in a foreign country, especially when the pain free method i spent hours researching was out of my reach. if i follow the "program", i won't be able to return home, to everything that had kept me sane until this point, for minimum 6-12 months. they want me to go to a hostel program in florida after this 3 month israeli bullshit. my mother has spent well over 50k on treatment when she herself makes 20k a year. ive told her time and time again that her money is going to waste. yes i am ungrateful and selfish but i am also fucking logical. if im not ready to change then change will never come. neither do i want it.
i can't. my cat is up in new york as well as my friends and my favorite possessions. why take that away from me. why attempt throwing paper planes over the great wall of china. i already decided i don't want to stay sober, that i don't want life in general, that i am too sensitive to ever be able to live without emotional, physical, spiritual relapses ever. the only person i was in close contact to, who i thought i would spend my life with, died of a drug i was taking in x5 the quantity the week prior. i live with crippling survivors guilt every day, one that i know can only be tamed with the impossible act of bringing him back from the dead. rehab made me fat and i have to start the entire weight loss process over again. they hammered me about how i don't act feminine enough and how the person mentioned above was a piece of shit for introducing me to heroin. i don't know what to think about myself anymore. the only genuine lasting connections i have made were all products of miraculous circumstances that cannot be replicated in my life ever again. no one who steps foot on this earth will ever have the same combination of traits, attributes, quirks as my dead ex did. i fear i'll ever find love again especially at this higher weight and how ive realized that not even 6 months of patient centered rehabilitation will rid me of my desires to collapse and shrivel into nothingness.
i feel defeated and i still have 3 months left of this fucking halfway house until i go to the one in florida for god knows how long. i can't ask for my passport and i don't have the money for a flight. if i return home before my due date my mother will be kicking me out on the streets. i feel so trapped and traumatized, i have never felt this powerless in my entire life. yes the program saved my life but am i wrong to say i wish it didn't? i sat wallowing for six months recognizing i don't want to recover let alone live while my poor manipulated mother kept throwing money at this place. hopefully someone can relate to my words in some form other than that this was a post for archival purposes
things that really bother me today include. the fact that they want me as far away from home as possible so i don't relapse. ive told staff dozens of times that i don't want to stay sober and would rather happily die young but they would always tell me that if i really wanted to die, i would have done it by now. no retard, i didn't want to kill myself in a foreign country, especially when the pain free method i spent hours researching was out of my reach. if i follow the "program", i won't be able to return home, to everything that had kept me sane until this point, for minimum 6-12 months. they want me to go to a hostel program in florida after this 3 month israeli bullshit. my mother has spent well over 50k on treatment when she herself makes 20k a year. ive told her time and time again that her money is going to waste. yes i am ungrateful and selfish but i am also fucking logical. if im not ready to change then change will never come. neither do i want it.
i can't. my cat is up in new york as well as my friends and my favorite possessions. why take that away from me. why attempt throwing paper planes over the great wall of china. i already decided i don't want to stay sober, that i don't want life in general, that i am too sensitive to ever be able to live without emotional, physical, spiritual relapses ever. the only person i was in close contact to, who i thought i would spend my life with, died of a drug i was taking in x5 the quantity the week prior. i live with crippling survivors guilt every day, one that i know can only be tamed with the impossible act of bringing him back from the dead. rehab made me fat and i have to start the entire weight loss process over again. they hammered me about how i don't act feminine enough and how the person mentioned above was a piece of shit for introducing me to heroin. i don't know what to think about myself anymore. the only genuine lasting connections i have made were all products of miraculous circumstances that cannot be replicated in my life ever again. no one who steps foot on this earth will ever have the same combination of traits, attributes, quirks as my dead ex did. i fear i'll ever find love again especially at this higher weight and how ive realized that not even 6 months of patient centered rehabilitation will rid me of my desires to collapse and shrivel into nothingness.
i feel defeated and i still have 3 months left of this fucking halfway house until i go to the one in florida for god knows how long. i can't ask for my passport and i don't have the money for a flight. if i return home before my due date my mother will be kicking me out on the streets. i feel so trapped and traumatized, i have never felt this powerless in my entire life. yes the program saved my life but am i wrong to say i wish it didn't? i sat wallowing for six months recognizing i don't want to recover let alone live while my poor manipulated mother kept throwing money at this place. hopefully someone can relate to my words in some form other than that this was a post for archival purposes
