skiski_what
Lightspeed
- May 15, 2026
- 7
Hi, this is my first post o/
I know at one point I will, but for now I'm kind of just counting my days. I feel terrible. I bought my first firearm, a 9mm, with months of contemplating beforehand. After contemplating, I was just contempt on following through, especially the last five months. Then, when I went to bite the bullet, I kind of just stopped. It's not that I don't want to, but I'm not sure if it'd do the trick. I've never even shot one before so I'd hate to mess it up and just live the rest of my life like a vegetable, yk? Like am I even using the right grain (147 btw, plan on taking it to the range to get a feel for it before I follow through at least). But yeah, that shit is scary when it comes down to the moment, which is crazy, because I've spent the last few months thinking "Man, I am so ready to do this", even happy as shit on my way home after picking it up and everything. But the more I thought about it as I was loading a clip for the first time, researching where to shoot (how I found this thread coincidentally), everything felt like the slightest error would mean I'd make it out alive, the one outcome I absolutely do not want. But yeah, I could barely breathe for the last few days, feeling miserable that I'm not going through with it, after all the buildup and money spent.
I hate myself for so many reasons, from fucking up in basic life shit to family, and just worse problems I don't want to get on to right now. Like, dude. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life if I keep going, especially with how badly I've just been intentionally trying to find a way out of this life, and fucking it up in the process. The worst part being my girlfriend. She's going to hate me, and she probably won't even know for a while, especially cause we're ldr atm. But I mainly feel like that because people we know have also cbt'd, and she feels strongly about that. I know she loves me, and that people close to us are gone now, so it feels like I'm all she has right now with our current situation, but I just can't do this. I just can't.
This forum's honestly given me a breath of fresh air. I've been lurking around for a while and saw some pretty reasonable "methods." So, I was able to order some sn, I'm hoping I can use something that's much less based on me fucking up a gunshot. Still preparing the rest of the protocol though. I'm really hoping it goes well, and nothing goes wrong with the order or anything else from here on out. While that happens, I'll be counting the seconds in the minutes for it, like I did before. I don't plan on not doing it though, I want to see what's after life more than anything, whether I rot in hell or float in space.
Random addition: I've been obssessed with physics as of recently like the universe, quantum theories, and literally anything else, for a silver lining I guess, do you guys randomly get like this too? idk it kind of eases me when I know I'm gonna cbt.
I know at one point I will, but for now I'm kind of just counting my days. I feel terrible. I bought my first firearm, a 9mm, with months of contemplating beforehand. After contemplating, I was just contempt on following through, especially the last five months. Then, when I went to bite the bullet, I kind of just stopped. It's not that I don't want to, but I'm not sure if it'd do the trick. I've never even shot one before so I'd hate to mess it up and just live the rest of my life like a vegetable, yk? Like am I even using the right grain (147 btw, plan on taking it to the range to get a feel for it before I follow through at least). But yeah, that shit is scary when it comes down to the moment, which is crazy, because I've spent the last few months thinking "Man, I am so ready to do this", even happy as shit on my way home after picking it up and everything. But the more I thought about it as I was loading a clip for the first time, researching where to shoot (how I found this thread coincidentally), everything felt like the slightest error would mean I'd make it out alive, the one outcome I absolutely do not want. But yeah, I could barely breathe for the last few days, feeling miserable that I'm not going through with it, after all the buildup and money spent.
I hate myself for so many reasons, from fucking up in basic life shit to family, and just worse problems I don't want to get on to right now. Like, dude. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life if I keep going, especially with how badly I've just been intentionally trying to find a way out of this life, and fucking it up in the process. The worst part being my girlfriend. She's going to hate me, and she probably won't even know for a while, especially cause we're ldr atm. But I mainly feel like that because people we know have also cbt'd, and she feels strongly about that. I know she loves me, and that people close to us are gone now, so it feels like I'm all she has right now with our current situation, but I just can't do this. I just can't.
This forum's honestly given me a breath of fresh air. I've been lurking around for a while and saw some pretty reasonable "methods." So, I was able to order some sn, I'm hoping I can use something that's much less based on me fucking up a gunshot. Still preparing the rest of the protocol though. I'm really hoping it goes well, and nothing goes wrong with the order or anything else from here on out. While that happens, I'll be counting the seconds in the minutes for it, like I did before. I don't plan on not doing it though, I want to see what's after life more than anything, whether I rot in hell or float in space.
Random addition: I've been obssessed with physics as of recently like the universe, quantum theories, and literally anything else, for a silver lining I guess, do you guys randomly get like this too? idk it kind of eases me when I know I'm gonna cbt.
