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kai2001

Member
May 5, 2022
33
My mom has been the only thing keeping me alive for the past few months, but I still planned my ctb because my mind just went "I guess she would understand why I did it". Tonight I was doomscrolling through some posts about ctb and depression, something I do often, but this time it lead to me imagining - in detail - how she would react if she got a phone call telling her that her only son ended his life. It made my stomach hurt from all the guilt, I can't stand seeing her suffer. And of course I know I wouldn't see her suffer if I actually went through with it, but just seeing her in so much pain in my imagination hurts so much.

I started sobbing for a few minutes and kept on crying for about an hour as I was reading some old chat exchanges with her, maybe for the nostalgia but honestly I don't even know why. I love her so much, I can't believe I'm considering doing this to her. She doesn't have anyone else and this would destroy her for the rest of her life.

But at the same time, I can't keep living a miserable life in this f'ed up world anymore either. I just don't know what to do. I already ordered my SN a few weeks ago and it wasn't an impulsive decision, or at least I thought it wasn't. But now I'm not sure if I should just cancel the order or let it proceed as planned (and risk legal consequences as obtaining SN isn't legal in my country for individuals without a certificate). I guess it would be calming to have SN at home as a backup plan even if I decide not to do it.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm an emotional, sore-eyed and sleep deprived wreck right now. I just needed to vent.
 
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meetapple

meetapple

Mage
Jun 3, 2021
585
You may feel bad right now but it's always good to think about the consequences of CTB as you decide whether to CTB.
 
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Meretlein

Meretlein

Moderator
Feb 15, 2019
1,199
It truly is a predicament. I worry about what will happen to my parents when I am gone, I hope my sister can see to them when they are old.

It must be agonizing for you to be the only child. If I were you I would first try to exhaust every option for recovery and to create as many warm, loving memories with your mother as you can.

Only you can decide what is right for you. No one is living in your head and experiencing events with you.
 
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toasterbath

toasterbath

.
Jun 26, 2022
254
Man I wish my mom was alive. One of the main reasons I wanna CTB is because my mom is dead and my reason to live seems so meaningless.
 
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waitingforrest

Elementalist
Dec 27, 2021
842
The guilt is always the most difficult part. I've had sobbing episodes over all the things my ctb will destroy, I'm sorry that you are going through this now. Some people you just love so much that it hurts to know how they will react. It's sad to imagine how their lives will be like without us.
Hoping you get some sleep, your head must be hurting from all those intense feelings.
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
10,661
My mom has been the only thing keeping me alive for the past few months, but I still planned my ctb because my mind just went "I guess she would understand why I did it". Tonight I was doomscrolling through some posts about ctb and depression, something I do often, but this time it lead to me imagining - in detail - how she would react if she got a phone call telling her that her only son ended his life. It made my stomach hurt from all the guilt, I can't stand seeing her suffer. And of course I know I wouldn't see her suffer if I actually went through with it, but just seeing her in so much pain in my imagination hurts so much.

I started sobbing for a few minutes and kept on crying for about an hour as I was reading some old chat exchanges with her, maybe for the nostalgia but honestly I don't even know why. I love her so much, I can't believe I'm considering doing this to her. She doesn't have anyone else and this would destroy her for the rest of her life.

But at the same time, I can't keep living a miserable life in this f'ed up world anymore either. I just don't know what to do. I already ordered my SN a few weeks ago and it wasn't an impulsive decision, or at least I thought it wasn't. But now I'm not sure if I should just cancel the order or let it proceed as planned (and risk legal consequences as obtaining SN isn't legal in my country for individuals without a certificate). I guess it would be calming to have SN at home as a backup plan even if I decide not to do it.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm an emotional, sore-eyed and sleep deprived wreck right now. I just needed to vent.
I'm in the same situation. I would advise you not to get rid of your SN. It should keep for years. It's getting harder to get now that L.E. is onto us. You may not need It but, others have changed their mind and regreted it.
Just store it somewhere safe.
Sorry for what you are going through. :hug:
 
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S

Sinfulserenity

Member
May 30, 2022
7
I totally understand where you are coming from, my brother already ctb, so I witnessed the aftermath, it destroyed my mother, I almost had her institutionalized. I'm literally just waiting until she dies, then I plan on ctb. I had multiple attempts before he died, he had one successful one. I hope you can find a way to hang on, but if it's too unbearable, then it's too unbearable. I wish you peace and love.
 
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Worndown

Worndown

Illuminated
Mar 21, 2019
3,814
Sometimes you need to vent. We are here to listen.
 
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K

kai2001

Member
May 5, 2022
33
Man I wish my mom was alive. One of the main reasons I wanna CTB is because my mom is dead and my reason to live seems so meaningless.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sometimes my depression makes me envy people who have nobody in their lives because they don't need to face guilt when ctb, but of course I know that losing your loved ones is one of the worst things a human being can experience. I wish you all the best
The guilt is always the most difficult part. I've had sobbing episodes over all the things my ctb will destroy, I'm sorry that you are going through this now. Some people you just love so much that it hurts to know how they will react. It's sad to imagine how their lives will be like without us.
Hoping you get some sleep, your head must be hurting from all those intense feelings.
Thank you so much and I'm sorry you had to go through this as well. I got like 5 hours of sleep after all and I feel a bit better, but obviously the dilemma is still there and it won't disappear until I make a decision.
I'm in the same situation. I would advise you not to get rid of your SN. It should keep for years. It's getting harder to get now that L.E. is onto us. You may not need It but, others have changed their mind and regreted it.
Just store it somewhere safe.
Sorry for what you are going through. :hug:
I guess you're right, it's always good to have a plan b. I'm just an overthinker so I'm worried about border controls. If I end up choosing life I don't want to face a fine or even worse. But again, this is just me overthinking and it's probably extremely unlikely to happen.
I totally understand where you are coming from, my brother already ctb, so I witnessed the aftermath, it destroyed my mother, I almost had her institutionalized. I'm literally just waiting until she dies, then I plan on ctb. I had multiple attempts before he died, he had one successful one. I hope you can find a way to hang on, but if it's too unbearable, then it's too unbearable. I wish you peace and love.
I can relate to the "just waiting until she dies" so much. I feel terrible for thinking this way because I love her so much
 
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lonewolf22

Member
Jul 3, 2020
61
You're the only son. Sometimes the death of the only child crushes a parent so much that they end up taking their own life or they die from a broken heart. My advice would be to wait it out. Im fortunately not the only child but I'm very close to my parents and they are one of the reasons I'm holding on.
 
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K

kai2001

Member
May 5, 2022
33
You're the only son. Sometimes the death of the only child crushes a parent so much that they end up taking their own life or they die from a broken heart. My advice would be to wait it out. Im fortunately not the only child but I'm very close to my parents and they are one of the reasons I'm holding on.
I guess that's what I should be doing, but I don't know for how long I can take it anymore. I've already ruined my life because I was so sure about ending it, so what do I do now?
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
44,150
I can imagine that it must be so painful being in that situation. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. Life is just so cruel and I know that it is hard to carry on when you suffer so much. I hope that you find some relief from what you are going through.
 
T

toforigivelife

Arcanist
Jul 5, 2021
493
You are truly in a painful, painful situation. I guess I didn't need to tell you that.

Your deeply painful daily, probably hour to hour, struggles that destroys your quality of life versus the pain that would left behind if you ended your suffering.

It would really be a step forward if people could recognize and understand that mental illness is as valid as a physical illness. An unhealthy mind should receive the same understanding as an unhealthy body.

Your arms and legs still work but when the mind becomes too sick people don't realize that you are the walking dead. (Well, not quite dead, you are left with the ability to feel pain after all.)

Other countries including Canada now include mental illness under the criteria for assisted suicide.

Why science and medicine keeps the fact that sometimes mental illness is untreatable a secret, I don't know. But because of this, as heartbreaking as it would be to find out that a loved one has a fatal illness that affects the body and that there's nothing to be done and their passing is imminent - it is still easier to understand, accept and make peace with dying of a physical illness versus dying of a mental illness.

Family members and loved ones would not have the same reaction to someone opting to end cancer treatment and just let the natural dying process take its course as they would if a person's mind so unwell and unhealthy that they want to end their life, even though it is the same scenario, you're just not well enough to go on.

Our families and loved ones would not only be doing their afflicted loved ones a compassionate favor but they'd also be doing themselves a compassionate favor by understanding the situation and not dealing with the agonizing and unnecessary questions and agonizing and unnecessary self-reproach that accompanies a death by suicide.

My heart breaks for the anguish you are going through. I wish I had the answers but I don't, I wish I could help.

I know this doesn't sound very helpful and I hope that this does not trigger you but in the meantime I'll keep a good thought for you in the sense that I hope that you find at least enough relief to get some rest and be able to make your decision with clearer mind.

And, of course, it would be wonderful if your mental health would improve so I'll wish you that as well even though I know the wish for better mental health doesn't always come true.

Is your mother aware of what you are going through?
 
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Lebensunwertes

Lebensunwertes

Du bist auf dich allein gestellt
May 26, 2022
141
This situation is relatable. My only reason to continue to live is to provide support to my parents who are getting older. Without me their situation will definitely become difficult and, as I am also their only child, I realize it will be devastating mentally. My dad is concerned with my health and sometimes when I joked about pulling the plug on myself he reacted very strongly saying that it would be a tragedy he wouldn't recover from. Therefore despite despising this life I must drag this existence on for the sake of them.
 
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Darkover

Darkover

Archangel
Jul 29, 2021
5,653
i honestly don't care how much my ctb effects my family members not after everything i've been through in this shitty horrible lifetime i wouldent wish for life on anyone it's just to crule to even want to be alive here
 
K

kai2001

Member
May 5, 2022
33
You're the only son. Sometimes the death of the only child crushes a parent so much that they end up taking their own life or they die from a broken heart. My advice would be to wait it out. Im fortunately not the only child but I'm very close to my parents and they are one of the reasons I'm holding on.
I guess that's what I should be doing, but I don't know for how long I can take it anymore. I've already ruined my life because I was so sure about ending it, so what do I do now?
You are truly in a painful, painful situation. I guess I didn't need to tell you that.

Your deeply painful daily, probably hour to hour, struggles that destroys your quality of life versus the pain that would left behind if you ended your suffering.

It would really be a step forward if people could recognize and understand that mental illness is as valid as a physical illness. An unhealthy mind should receive the same understanding as an unhealthy body.

Your arms and legs still work but when the mind becomes too sick people don't realize that you are the walking dead. (Well, not quite dead, you are left with the ability to feel pain after all.)

Other countries including Canada now include mental illness under the criteria for assisted suicide.

Why science and medicine keeps the fact that sometimes mental illness is untreatable a secret, I don't know. But because of this, as heartbreaking as it would be to find out that a loved one has a fatal illness that affects the body and that there's nothing to be done and their passing is imminent - it is still easier to understand, accept and make peace with dying of a physical illness versus dying of a mental illness.

Family members and loved ones would not have the same reaction to someone opting to end cancer treatment and just let the natural dying process take its course as they would if a person's mind so unwell and unhealthy that they want to end their life, even though it is the same scenario, you're just not well enough to go on.

Our families and loved ones would not only be doing their afflicted loved ones a compassionate favor but they'd also be doing themselves a compassionate favor by understanding the situation and not dealing with the agonizing and unnecessary questions and agonizing and unnecessary self-reproach that accompanies a death by suicide.

My heart breaks for the anguish you are going through. I wish I had the answers but I don't, I wish I could help.

I know this doesn't sound very helpful and I hope that this does not trigger you but in the meantime I'll keep a good thought for you in the sense that I hope that you find at least enough relief to get some rest and be able to make your decision with clearer mind.

And, of course, it would be wonderful if your mental health would improve so I'll wish you that as well even though I know the wish for better mental health doesn't always come true.

Is your mother aware of what you are going through?
No, my mom doesn't know about any of this. She has so many own struggles and I don't want to burden her even more. You know, she has a disability, a chronic muscle disease that keeps worsening. Earlier this year she was hospitalised with pneumonia, which was my grandpa's cause of death when my mom was only a teenager (he had the same disability). I was really scared she would die and that was also the reason I started going into detail about planning my suicide.

Ever since she returned from the hospital in April, she needs to use a device to help her breathe while sleeping, but as if that wasn't enough she also has to deal with a shitload of paperwork from the authorities at the moment and there's no end in sight. She would never admit it, but I feel like it's taking a toll on her mental health too. But she's way stronger than I am.
i honestly don't care how much my ctb effects my family members not after everything i've been through in this shitty horrible lifetime i wouldent wish for life on anyone it's just to crule to even want to be alive here
I'm so sorry you had to go through so much. If your family treated you badly it's totally fine to feel like this and you shouldn't feel guilty for not feeling guilty, if that makes sense
 
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sourokraandfish

sourokraandfish

Member
Apr 3, 2022
37
I relate to this so much. I'm also an only child and my parents have only given me nothing but unconditional love to the point that it overwhelms me and makes me feel so guilty. I really don't deserve it. I know I'm incredibly lucky but I just cannot help but wish they didn't give a shit about my pathetic self so I can off myself peacefully.

I agree with the other person saying about keeping the SN. Moreover, in my experience, it just feels more bearable and very comforting to know that you have the option to end it at any time you want. It actually gives me more strength and makes me less anxious to take big leaps and exhaust all my chances or face my problems head-on because I know that if things become too much to bear and I get to the end of my rope, I already have my eternal relief ready.

Please don't rush. You have the option to leave this world at any time. If you haven't, please exhaust all help resources. No matter what we do, our death will always inevitably cause our loved ones tremendous pain and suffering that no words can describe. But at the end of the day, it is our lives and only you can decide what's good for you.
 
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B

bitter_sweet

New Member
Sep 3, 2020
3
This situation is relatable. My only reason to continue to live is to provide support to my parents who are getting older. Without me their situation will definitely become difficult and, as I am also their only child, I realize it will be devastating mentally. My dad is concerned with my health and sometimes when I joked about pulling the plug on myself he reacted very strongly saying that it would be a tragedy he wouldn't recover from. Therefore despite despising this life I must drag this existence on for the sake of them.
Same for me. CTB would ruin my mother. She's 70 and already has several health conditions. My extended family would place tremendous blame on me, and while I do not much care about their opinions I cannot deny the trickle down effect would be horrendous. Otherwise, the only other beings it'd really affect are my cats, as 1 is elderly and the other is not really adoptable. But the cats are my biggest source of guilt, and once they pass I'm not sure I will manage to hold out. We really are in difficult positions.
 
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G

Graytaichi

Wizard
Feb 14, 2022
606
Man I wish my mom was alive. One of the main reasons I wanna CTB is because my mom is dead and my reason to live seems so meaningless.
Same. Life is meaningless. To TS, be good to your mum cos she must be the angel of your life. There is no wrong living for someone else.
 
G

Gabu1984

Member
May 20, 2021
35
My mom has been the only thing keeping me alive for the past few months, but I still planned my ctb because my mind just went "I guess she would understand why I did it". Tonight I was doomscrolling through some posts about ctb and depression, something I do often, but this time it lead to me imagining - in detail - how she would react if she got a phone call telling her that her only son ended his life. It made my stomach hurt from all the guilt, I can't stand seeing her suffer. And of course I know I wouldn't see her suffer if I actually went through with it, but just seeing her in so much pain in my imagination hurts so much.

I started sobbing for a few minutes and kept on crying for about an hour as I was reading some old chat exchanges with her, maybe for the nostalgia but honestly I don't even know why. I love her so much, I can't believe I'm considering doing this to her. She doesn't have anyone else and this would destroy her for the rest of her life.

But at the same time, I can't keep living a miserable life in this f'ed up world anymore either. I just don't know what to do. I already ordered my SN a few weeks ago and it wasn't an impulsive decision, or at least I thought it wasn't. But now I'm not sure if I should just cancel the order or let it proceed as planned (and risk legal consequences as obtaining SN isn't legal in my country for individuals without a certificate). I guess it would be calming to have SN at home as a backup plan even if I decide not to do it.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm an emotional, sore-eyed and sleep deprived wreck right now. I just needed to vent.
Amazing to read this because I'm in exactly the same place. Only difference is I'm worried what it will do to my children only 3 and 5. I'm also worried what it'll do to my ex wife. It'll destroy her then she won't be able to look after the kids. Despite this I'm still seriously considering ctb tomorrow. I have my N already which I received a few months ago. I just don't see the point to life. I have crippling social anxiety. Am on horrible medication to prevent me having a relapse of my psychosis. I've put on so much weight. And every day is just misery. I hardly have any friends and derive no enjoyment from life. So what's the point. What's the bloody point. I've spent the weekend with my children and just looking at them in shock it what I'm going to do to them. But I haven't chosen this. Life is just unbearable. So what's the point
 
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K

kai2001

Member
May 5, 2022
33
Amazing to read this because I'm in exactly the same place. Only difference is I'm worried what it will do to my children only 3 and 5. I'm also worried what it'll do to my ex wife. It'll destroy her then she won't be able to look after the kids. Despite this I'm still seriously considering ctb tomorrow. I have my N already which I received a few months ago. I just don't see the point to life. I have crippling social anxiety. Am on horrible medication to prevent me having a relapse of my psychosis. I've put on so much weight. And every day is just misery. I hardly have any friends and derive no enjoyment from life. So what's the point. What's the bloody point. I've spent the weekend with my children and just looking at them in shock it what I'm going to do to them. But I haven't chosen this. Life is just unbearable. So what's the point
I wish I had advice for you but if I did I wouldn't be here myself. I can only say that I wish you all the best and all the strength in the world. I hope you find a solution that you're fully content with, no matter which one it might end up being
 
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HopefulButPrepared

HopefulButPrepared

Experienced
Jun 22, 2022
247
My mom has been the only thing keeping me alive for the past few months, but I still planned my ctb because my mind just went "I guess she would understand why I did it". Tonight I was doomscrolling through some posts about ctb and depression, something I do often, but this time it lead to me imagining - in detail - how she would react if she got a phone call telling her that her only son ended his life. It made my stomach hurt from all the guilt, I can't stand seeing her suffer. And of course I know I wouldn't see her suffer if I actually went through with it, but just seeing her in so much pain in my imagination hurts so much.

I started sobbing for a few minutes and kept on crying for about an hour as I was reading some old chat exchanges with her, maybe for the nostalgia but honestly I don't even know why. I love her so much, I can't believe I'm considering doing this to her. She doesn't have anyone else and this would destroy her for the rest of her life.

But at the same time, I can't keep living a miserable life in this f'ed up world anymore either. I just don't know what to do. I already ordered my SN a few weeks ago and it wasn't an impulsive decision, or at least I thought it wasn't. But now I'm not sure if I should just cancel the order or let it proceed as planned (and risk legal consequences as obtaining SN isn't legal in my country for individuals without a certificate). I guess it would be calming to have SN at home as a backup plan even if I decide not to do it.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm an emotional, sore-eyed and sleep deprived wreck right now. I just needed to vent.
'doomscrolling' - haha

I justify it by telling myself she's 70 now, I'm only ruining 10 years of her life - everything after 80 is doom, gloom, misery and pain for most people - and maybe it'll hasten her death, the stress of it all, and she's miserable anyway because my younger brother is so mentally ill he's unrecoverable, so maybe I'd be helping - and another bitter part of me makes me think she probably deserves to see the pain she's caused by not taking action when we were kids against my Dad, who treated us like worthless burdens on his life.
 
G

Gabu1984

Member
May 20, 2021
35
I wish I had advice for you but if I did I wouldn't be here myself. I can only say that I wish you all the best and all the strength in the world. I hope you find a solution that you're fully content with, no matter which one it might end up being
Thanks very much. I had a little up surge in mood. And I mean only a little. So I won't so it today. And it's my sons birthday on the weekend and he's really excited about it because I've bought him a Nintendo switch. If I ctb today it would be the height of cruelty. He would never forget it. There's never a good time to ctb but this would be the worst. Its the social anxiety that's killing me. Just makes me feel there's no point to life. Makes my low mode anyway feel even worse. Thanks for your kind words. I wish I had the courage to just ctb so it could be all over. But I lack that too
 
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veryhappyhuman

veryhappyhuman

Specialist
Aug 25, 2021
340
I'm in a very similar position, only with both parents alive instead. After my initial failed attempts I've pushed myself to live for them so far (almost 10 years). I've tried my best to continue doing this, but these considerations are pushing me to ctb sooner:

a) how much longer would I have to do this, there is obviously no set date. This terrifies me. I can't take years and years more of living like this. I am a NEET, no hobbies, no interests in anything. Day consists of just eating, browsing the internet and sleep. How long can I just blindly keep telling myself "it's for them"?
b) what if I fall ill before they do and become a burden to them instead, where they need to care for me long term? I've never been completely healthy since childhood, and the prolonged lack of physical activity plus lack of self-care and mental deterioration means I'm due for major illness within next few years
c) FOMO on peaceful methods when I do decide to ctb after my parents pass. SA is out already and SN is being targeted now. Related, what if I'm no longer (either mentally or physically) capable of the act of ctb by the time parents pass?
d) If, after say 10 years of trying to live for them, I decide I can't continue anymore, then am I not leaving them in a worse situation than now? At least now they are able to care for themselves and are mentally stable, so can decide on their future after I pass
e) even if I'm alive, I'm not in a mental/physical state to do anything for them now or in future. So really by staying alive, all I'm doing is just saving them some mental pain. Is that really enough of a reason to justify staying alive?

This is all I think about all day, it's eating my brain inside out. This endless to-ctb-or-not cycle itself is driving me to ctb ironically.
 
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Nothingtoadd

Member
Jul 3, 2022
54
Only thing stopping me from suicide is thoughts about mom she has already done what ever she could for me but my mind is not able to return kind of love she has for me, she is also getting old and have some health issues but I'm finding it difficult to hold on, my elder will look after her if something happens to me that's my hope
 
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That's Not Me

That's Not Me

A cork on the ocean floating over the raging sea
Sep 14, 2022
108
I know it has been a few months, but how are you now?
 
K

kai2001

Member
May 5, 2022
33
I know it has been a few months, but how are you now?
Well damn, this is the first time in months that I am checking this forum again, the last time was in July 2022, so a lot has happened since. As you might remember, I had been skipping uni classes for 3 months, quit my job, was worried about my financial situation and had nothing to live for other than my mom.

One month later, I finally found a new part-time job that I am actually quite comfortable with and that's paid considerably better than my previous one. I was so sure they wouldn't accept me since I totally butchered the interview, but for some reason they still gave me a chance. For a very short time, I actually felt like life was going uphill and had barely any CTB thoughts.

Just one day after I got the call that I was hired, my mom had to go to the ICU in the hospital again. It was yet another pneumonia, this time her condition was even worse. It was so critical that the doctors even called me to talk about what to do in case she needs life support. It was a really rough 2 months, but at the end she made it. Now she's back home with 24/7 medical surveillance to make sure that she always has the help she needs and a situation like that will hopefully never happen again.

My mom being hospitalised made me spiral again, to the point that I once again contemplated suicide. It was the same thought pattern as before: "If my mom passes away, there will be no more guilt holding me back from ending my life". I was stupid enough to post about my suicidal thoughts and concrete plans on a social media app that's supposedly anonymous. But my post was reported, they figured out where I lived through my IP address and the next morning I woke up to the police ringing my doorbell. They asked if I was the one who made those posts. Shortly after, an ambulance arrived as well and I was taken to the closed psych ward of the nearest hospital.

In the psych ward, I was completely overwhelmed by the whole situation. I was basically thrown into captivity together with dozens of patients with all kinds of different mental illnesses. I had to tell my entire life story to like 3 or 4 different doctors or overseers, sometimes even in front of the other patients. They were really trying their best, I can't fault them, but you can tell that they were overworked and could barely take the pressure themselves. There's not really a lot of time to show empathy or listen carefully.

Fortunately I only had to stay for one and a half days. I managed to convince them to let me go, because I was supposed to start my new job the next week, my new semester was also starting pretty soon and I also wanted to go to my hometown to visit my mom in the hospital. They prescribed me my first ever antidepressant, told me to look for a therapist and then I was allowed to leave.

Once again, I felt like things were improving. I thought the antidepressants were working. I cleaned up my apartment that I had completely neglected during summer. I finally had a decent job while alsl regularly attending my classes and lectures again. It was going really well until like late November, early December. That's when my motivation slowly faded away again and I went back to skipping. So I listened to the advice from the psych ward and began looking for a therapist. It wasn't as hard as I expected it to be, so in January I already got my first appointment. I told her everything, but didn't really feel understood. The only advice she gave me was to start going to the gym, which felt a bit dismissive. I also had to fill out a questionnaire about everything related to my mental health. She told me she will call me back once she can offer me a spot, so far I haven't heard back from her, but she told me it might take multiple weeks.

So that's where I'm at now. I've talked to a therapist, but don't see one regularly. I'm still taking my antidepressants, but the dosage has been increased twice now and I still don't feel much better (last autumn was probably a placebo, because of the new job etc). And uni-wise, I'm exactly where I was last summer. I wish I could tell you that I overcame my CTB thoughts and I'm enjoying life now, but that's sadly not the case and I don't know if it ever will be. I'm still waiting for my mom to die, as morbid as it sounds, and then we'll see
 
That's Not Me

That's Not Me

A cork on the ocean floating over the raging sea
Sep 14, 2022
108
Well damn, this is the first time in months that I am checking this forum again, the last time was in July 2022, so a lot has happened since. As you might remember, I had been skipping uni classes for 3 months, quit my job, was worried about my financial situation and had nothing to live for other than my mom.

One month later, I finally found a new part-time job that I am actually quite comfortable with and that's paid considerably better than my previous one. I was so sure they wouldn't accept me since I totally butchered the interview, but for some reason they still gave me a chance. For a very short time, I actually felt like life was going uphill and had barely any CTB thoughts.

Just one day after I got the call that I was hired, my mom had to go to the ICU in the hospital again. It was yet another pneumonia, this time her condition was even worse. It was so critical that the doctors even called me to talk about what to do in case she needs life support. It was a really rough 2 months, but at the end she made it. Now she's back home with 24/7 medical surveillance to make sure that she always has the help she needs and a situation like that will hopefully never happen again.

My mom being hospitalised made me spiral again, to the point that I once again contemplated suicide. It was the same thought pattern as before: "If my mom passes away, there will be no more guilt holding me back from ending my life". I was stupid enough to post about my suicidal thoughts and concrete plans on a social media app that's supposedly anonymous. But my post was reported, they figured out where I lived through my IP address and the next morning I woke up to the police ringing my doorbell. They asked if I was the one who made those posts. Shortly after, an ambulance arrived as well and I was taken to the closed psych ward of the nearest hospital.

In the psych ward, I was completely overwhelmed by the whole situation. I was basically thrown into captivity together with dozens of patients with all kinds of different mental illnesses. I had to tell my entire life story to like 3 or 4 different doctors or overseers, sometimes even in front of the other patients. They were really trying their best, I can't fault them, but you can tell that they were overworked and could barely take the pressure themselves. There's not really a lot of time to show empathy or listen carefully.

Fortunately I only had to stay for one and a half days. I managed to convince them to let me go, because I was supposed to start my new job the next week, my new semester was also starting pretty soon and I also wanted to go to my hometown to visit my mom in the hospital. They prescribed me my first ever antidepressant, told me to look for a therapist and then I was allowed to leave.

Once again, I felt like things were improving. I thought the antidepressants were working. I cleaned up my apartment that I had completely neglected during summer. I finally had a decent job while alsl regularly attending my classes and lectures again. It was going really well until like late November, early December. That's when my motivation slowly faded away again and I went back to skipping. So I listened to the advice from the psych ward and began looking for a therapist. It wasn't as hard as I expected it to be, so in January I already got my first appointment. I told her everything, but didn't really feel understood. The only advice she gave me was to start going to the gym, which felt a bit dismissive. I also had to fill out a questionnaire about everything related to my mental health. She told me she will call me back once she can offer me a spot, so far I haven't heard back from her, but she told me it might take multiple weeks.

So that's where I'm at now. I've talked to a therapist, but don't see one regularly. I'm still taking my antidepressants, but the dosage has been increased twice now and I still don't feel much better (last autumn was probably a placebo, because of the new job etc). And uni-wise, I'm exactly where I was last summer. I wish I could tell you that I overcame my CTB thoughts and I'm enjoying life now, but that's sadly not the case and I don't know if it ever will be. I'm still waiting for my mom to die, as morbid as it sounds, and then we'll see
I haven't been on this forum for a while and was genuinely happy to see your response. Of course it would be better if you never visited this place again and that you were away from these thoughts, but it is still amazing to know that things are going well. I have always felt welcome here and the people have always been kind to me, but sometimes if we stay on this forum too long and distance ourselves from reality, we can be led to believe that suicide is a good thing, and it's not. It is an acceptable way out if you have tried everything and nothing has worked, but you have to try everything first.
I have conflicting thoughts about the way medicine treats patients with suicidal thoughts. If in one hand it really treats some perfectly rational people like a piece of meat, on the other hand it really saves lives of some people who just need a little push in the right direction. Taking medicine is not a bad thing. Personally, it is the best thing that has happened in my life. I started having depression very early and it took a long time for me to accept the help that was offered to me. It took a few years before I really trusted the treatment and still some time before I was completely stable. I went through more doctors and therapists than I am able to count and after many different medications I started to get better. I honestly was the happiest person I have ever known and I owe part of that to the medications (of course if I am here the situation has changed a bit, but that's another story). I have been in psychiatric wards for suicidal people, so I know exactly what you are talking about, but I am glad that things happened to me as they did then and maybe in a few years you will look back and also understand that maybe things were as they should have been.

Many people just see a psychiatrist and already see improvement. In fact, I feel that most people don't need to change much between drugs or psychiatrists, but this is not a rule. Keep in mind that it is okay to tell your psychiatrist that you feel your medication is not doing the same effect as before and that maybe he will tell you to switch. I am no expert, but from what you said your doctor sounds like someone who is minimally professional, am I right? I mean, responsibly increasing your dosage and everything else. Anyway, there are other doctors you might like better and it's not wrong to switch if you feel that your doctor's approach is not the best. Medicine is a profession like any other, in which there are opportunists who want to extort your money and experienced people who know what they are doing. How can you tell the difference between the opportunist and the experienced without having visited many doctors? I don't know. I think in your situation maybe you have to trust the doctor you are treating today. Even if he is not the best doctor in the world, maybe it is better to trust the treatment. About therapists, at least for me, it is quite difficult to find someone who understands me the way I want and treats me as an equal, so keep in mind that if you are not satisfied with someone, you can change them without explanation. For me it was much more difficult to find good therapists than good doctors. Maybe I am too picky, but it's just that there are many different approaches in psychology and many ways to practice each approach and it can be complicated. Behavioral therapy can be helpful for some people and psychoanalysis for others, I think you have to understand the root of the problems to understand what you need. How to find the root of the problems? Well, I am not sure either. I have been through therapists who treated me like an incapable and others who treated me like a criminal, but none were as bad as those who treated me like a friend. Going to therapy can be an amazing experience and can really help, but it is important to understand that the therapist is there to help you think, not to be your friend. Finding a good therapist can be a game-changer depending on the situation, just like exercising. Maybe your therapist didn't say that out of dismissive intent. It took me about 5 years to listen to my medics and finally go to the gym and it surprisingly really did me good (of course she may have told you this because she doesn't care enough to tell you anything better, but like I said, maybe not).

I came in here to finally make my first post in the "Recovery" session of this forum and say that I've decided to give life another chance, but I'm glad I spent the time to answer you. Life comes with a built-in cost, and sometimes the cost can be too great to make sense to continue in this world, but there are things that can make us bear that cost, like relatives we love too much to make suffer, and things that make the cost a little less, like psychiatric treatment. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't pressure yourself to get well quickly. On the road to possible improvement there are ups and downs, and it is normal to go through periods when things seem to be getting better and periods when everything seems to be going wrong. The bad times and the good times will pass, but it is important to understand that the bad times are just as important for long-term improvement as the good times. Improvement is a better term than cure. It is very complex to talk about a cure for bad thoughts since the deep-rooted problems will always exist; the way is to look for a way to conciliate and deal with the problems.
If you feel you need someone to vent to, but don't want to make a post just to vent, feel free to send me a message. I may take a few days to respond, as I am trying to stay away from this forum, but I would be happy to be a shoulder to cry on.

Peace 🤗🤗🤗
 

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