Well damn, this is the first time in months that I am checking this forum again, the last time was in July 2022, so a lot has happened since. As you might remember, I had been skipping uni classes for 3 months, quit my job, was worried about my financial situation and had nothing to live for other than my mom.
One month later, I finally found a new part-time job that I am actually quite comfortable with and that's paid considerably better than my previous one. I was so sure they wouldn't accept me since I totally butchered the interview, but for some reason they still gave me a chance. For a very short time, I actually felt like life was going uphill and had barely any CTB thoughts.
Just one day after I got the call that I was hired, my mom had to go to the ICU in the hospital again. It was yet another pneumonia, this time her condition was even worse. It was so critical that the doctors even called me to talk about what to do in case she needs life support. It was a really rough 2 months, but at the end she made it. Now she's back home with 24/7 medical surveillance to make sure that she always has the help she needs and a situation like that will hopefully never happen again.
My mom being hospitalised made me spiral again, to the point that I once again contemplated suicide. It was the same thought pattern as before: "If my mom passes away, there will be no more guilt holding me back from ending my life". I was stupid enough to post about my suicidal thoughts and concrete plans on a social media app that's supposedly anonymous. But my post was reported, they figured out where I lived through my IP address and the next morning I woke up to the police ringing my doorbell. They asked if I was the one who made those posts. Shortly after, an ambulance arrived as well and I was taken to the closed psych ward of the nearest hospital.
In the psych ward, I was completely overwhelmed by the whole situation. I was basically thrown into captivity together with dozens of patients with all kinds of different mental illnesses. I had to tell my entire life story to like 3 or 4 different doctors or overseers, sometimes even in front of the other patients. They were really trying their best, I can't fault them, but you can tell that they were overworked and could barely take the pressure themselves. There's not really a lot of time to show empathy or listen carefully.
Fortunately I only had to stay for one and a half days. I managed to convince them to let me go, because I was supposed to start my new job the next week, my new semester was also starting pretty soon and I also wanted to go to my hometown to visit my mom in the hospital. They prescribed me my first ever antidepressant, told me to look for a therapist and then I was allowed to leave.
Once again, I felt like things were improving. I thought the antidepressants were working. I cleaned up my apartment that I had completely neglected during summer. I finally had a decent job while alsl regularly attending my classes and lectures again. It was going really well until like late November, early December. That's when my motivation slowly faded away again and I went back to skipping. So I listened to the advice from the psych ward and began looking for a therapist. It wasn't as hard as I expected it to be, so in January I already got my first appointment. I told her everything, but didn't really feel understood. The only advice she gave me was to start going to the gym, which felt a bit dismissive. I also had to fill out a questionnaire about everything related to my mental health. She told me she will call me back once she can offer me a spot, so far I haven't heard back from her, but she told me it might take multiple weeks.
So that's where I'm at now. I've talked to a therapist, but don't see one regularly. I'm still taking my antidepressants, but the dosage has been increased twice now and I still don't feel much better (last autumn was probably a placebo, because of the new job etc). And uni-wise, I'm exactly where I was last summer. I wish I could tell you that I overcame my CTB thoughts and I'm enjoying life now, but that's sadly not the case and I don't know if it ever will be. I'm still waiting for my mom to die, as morbid as it sounds, and then we'll see
I haven't been on this forum for a while and was genuinely happy to see your response. Of course it would be better if you never visited this place again and that you were away from these thoughts, but it is still amazing to know that things are going well. I have always felt welcome here and the people have always been kind to me, but sometimes if we stay on this forum too long and distance ourselves from reality, we can be led to believe that suicide is a good thing, and it's not. It is an acceptable way out if you have tried everything and nothing has worked, but you have to try everything first.
I have conflicting thoughts about the way medicine treats patients with suicidal thoughts. If in one hand it really treats some perfectly rational people like a piece of meat, on the other hand it really saves lives of some people who just need a little push in the right direction. Taking medicine is not a bad thing. Personally, it is the best thing that has happened in my life. I started having depression very early and it took a long time for me to accept the help that was offered to me. It took a few years before I really trusted the treatment and still some time before I was completely stable. I went through more doctors and therapists than I am able to count and after many different medications I started to get better. I honestly was the happiest person I have ever known and I owe part of that to the medications (of course if I am here the situation has changed a bit, but that's another story). I have been in psychiatric wards for suicidal people, so I know exactly what you are talking about, but I am glad that things happened to me as they did then and maybe in a few years you will look back and also understand that maybe things were as they should have been.
Many people just see a psychiatrist and already see improvement. In fact, I feel that most people don't need to change much between drugs or psychiatrists, but this is not a rule. Keep in mind that it is okay to tell your psychiatrist that you feel your medication is not doing the same effect as before and that maybe he will tell you to switch. I am no expert, but from what you said your doctor sounds like someone who is minimally professional, am I right? I mean, responsibly increasing your dosage and everything else. Anyway, there are other doctors you might like better and it's not wrong to switch if you feel that your doctor's approach is not the best. Medicine is a profession like any other, in which there are opportunists who want to extort your money and experienced people who know what they are doing. How can you tell the difference between the opportunist and the experienced without having visited many doctors? I don't know. I think in your situation maybe you have to trust the doctor you are treating today. Even if he is not the best doctor in the world, maybe it is better to trust the treatment. About therapists, at least for me, it is quite difficult to find someone who understands me the way I want and treats me as an equal, so keep in mind that if you are not satisfied with someone, you can change them without explanation. For me it was much more difficult to find good therapists than good doctors. Maybe I am too picky, but it's just that there are many different approaches in psychology and many ways to practice each approach and it can be complicated. Behavioral therapy can be helpful for some people and psychoanalysis for others, I think you have to understand the root of the problems to understand what you need. How to find the root of the problems? Well, I am not sure either. I have been through therapists who treated me like an incapable and others who treated me like a criminal, but none were as bad as those who treated me like a friend. Going to therapy can be an amazing experience and can really help, but it is important to understand that the therapist is there to help you think, not to be your friend. Finding a good therapist can be a game-changer depending on the situation, just like exercising. Maybe your therapist didn't say that out of dismissive intent. It took me about 5 years to listen to my medics and finally go to the gym and it surprisingly really did me good (of course she may have told you this because she doesn't care enough to tell you anything better, but like I said, maybe not).
I came in here to finally make my first post in the "Recovery" session of this forum and say that I've decided to give life another chance, but I'm glad I spent the time to answer you. Life comes with a built-in cost, and sometimes the cost can be too great to make sense to continue in this world, but there are things that can make us bear that cost, like relatives we love too much to make suffer, and things that make the cost a little less, like psychiatric treatment. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't pressure yourself to get well quickly. On the road to possible improvement there are ups and downs, and it is normal to go through periods when things seem to be getting better and periods when everything seems to be going wrong. The bad times and the good times will pass, but it is important to understand that the bad times are just as important for long-term improvement as the good times. Improvement is a better term than cure. It is very complex to talk about a cure for bad thoughts since the deep-rooted problems will always exist; the way is to look for a way to conciliate and deal with the problems.
If you feel you need someone to vent to, but don't want to make a post just to vent, feel free to send me a message. I may take a few days to respond, as I am trying to stay away from this forum, but I would be happy to be a shoulder to cry on.
Peace


