SiArc
sassy and sarcastic-y
- Dec 10, 2018
- 230
Wasn't sure which prefix to put this under.
It is creeping back to me, that feeling that I have been suppressing trying to become "normal". It isn't working, if anything I have noticed more how fucked up I am, everything I do not have to look forward to or what is keeping me here really isn't all that important in the scheme of things. If I show people exactly how messed up I am, depressed, apathetic, and just a raw open wound that is pretending to be strong I will be committed and lose absolutely everything anyways. It is just me and my pup. No family. Some close friends. A good job that is horrible for my mental health, and that is it. Some crappy health prospects too.
I just tried and unfortunately failed about 3 weeks ago. Only way I failed was because I had my phone too close to me and in my stupor said good bye to my best friend. She called the cops and I had the back door open (for my pup, he had lots of food and water and instructions for him to go to my best friend) so they got in quickly. I don't remember much but I was non-reactive. It was an overdose for those wondering. It was so peaceful. I had the best way.
They did CPR and all that she-bang, I was comatose for a day or two. Convinced the doc it was just an accident and I just wanted to have a break. Wasn't even committed. They just let me go. They really didn't give a fuck.
I got on a new med on top of the one I was taking, went to see a psychiatrist, scheduled therapy, taking time off work. All those proper steps a person who wants to get better would do. I don't want to get better. Friends circled around me and have been keeping an eye on me. Luckily I was a sarcastic dark humored person anyways and I started joking about my depression and attempt. Everything has passed. No more worries from them. Besides, I live alone, they can't watch me all the time.
I don't want to be here. Especially now that I know what passing feels like. Blissfully quiet and peaceful. I don't see a future for me. We all have 5 exit points in life one any one of them we can leave but we have no more than 5. By my calculation the next time I try will be my 5th exit point.
I think I am going to take out a secured loan on my car for as much as I can. Live it up a bit, then go.
Here's the thing. I want to burn my house down with me (hopefully all the way gone by the time the flames reach me. Using night night method). Serves a few purposes.
1. Takes care of a lot of my body.
2. Takes care of my stuff.
3. Kind of Viking-style...except it is a house. (joke)
4. Won't have to worry about haunting this house. I don't want anyone else living here. It is my house.
I have no immediate neighbors, fire department would be here fairly quick ensuring no collateral damage, and no one lives with me. I used to be a deputy (law enforcement) so I am familiar with drive and reactionary times. Plus the neighbor that is closest to me is super nosy and will be sure to call 911 as soon as she sees some good flames.
I have to wait until February though because my best friend's birthday is January 26th and I am helping to plan a HUGE surprise for her. I can't ruin. her favorite holiday or birthday. So February it will be. Which is ironic because that was the month of my first attempt when I was 15.
Ramble over. Thanks for reading if you went all the way through. Just had to get that out.
It is creeping back to me, that feeling that I have been suppressing trying to become "normal". It isn't working, if anything I have noticed more how fucked up I am, everything I do not have to look forward to or what is keeping me here really isn't all that important in the scheme of things. If I show people exactly how messed up I am, depressed, apathetic, and just a raw open wound that is pretending to be strong I will be committed and lose absolutely everything anyways. It is just me and my pup. No family. Some close friends. A good job that is horrible for my mental health, and that is it. Some crappy health prospects too.
I just tried and unfortunately failed about 3 weeks ago. Only way I failed was because I had my phone too close to me and in my stupor said good bye to my best friend. She called the cops and I had the back door open (for my pup, he had lots of food and water and instructions for him to go to my best friend) so they got in quickly. I don't remember much but I was non-reactive. It was an overdose for those wondering. It was so peaceful. I had the best way.
They did CPR and all that she-bang, I was comatose for a day or two. Convinced the doc it was just an accident and I just wanted to have a break. Wasn't even committed. They just let me go. They really didn't give a fuck.
I got on a new med on top of the one I was taking, went to see a psychiatrist, scheduled therapy, taking time off work. All those proper steps a person who wants to get better would do. I don't want to get better. Friends circled around me and have been keeping an eye on me. Luckily I was a sarcastic dark humored person anyways and I started joking about my depression and attempt. Everything has passed. No more worries from them. Besides, I live alone, they can't watch me all the time.
I don't want to be here. Especially now that I know what passing feels like. Blissfully quiet and peaceful. I don't see a future for me. We all have 5 exit points in life one any one of them we can leave but we have no more than 5. By my calculation the next time I try will be my 5th exit point.
I think I am going to take out a secured loan on my car for as much as I can. Live it up a bit, then go.
Here's the thing. I want to burn my house down with me (hopefully all the way gone by the time the flames reach me. Using night night method). Serves a few purposes.
1. Takes care of a lot of my body.
2. Takes care of my stuff.
3. Kind of Viking-style...except it is a house. (joke)
4. Won't have to worry about haunting this house. I don't want anyone else living here. It is my house.
I have no immediate neighbors, fire department would be here fairly quick ensuring no collateral damage, and no one lives with me. I used to be a deputy (law enforcement) so I am familiar with drive and reactionary times. Plus the neighbor that is closest to me is super nosy and will be sure to call 911 as soon as she sees some good flames.
I have to wait until February though because my best friend's birthday is January 26th and I am helping to plan a HUGE surprise for her. I can't ruin. her favorite holiday or birthday. So February it will be. Which is ironic because that was the month of my first attempt when I was 15.
Ramble over. Thanks for reading if you went all the way through. Just had to get that out.
