Nov 13, 2020
I'm planning to ctb sometime soon- I don't have a specific date but rather plan to do it on impulse or keep "practicing" until I go too far and die. I want to do it after Christmas (I just want one last christmas), but i'm not sure when. I've become so depressed i've stopped doing all of my schoolwork, and as a result I will have failed all my classes this semester. And to think I was once such a promising student. I used to take AP's and be ultra smart and great- and now I land in treatment center after treatment center and miss school and wither and rot away. I feel bad for my family, but if i'm honest I think they will be able to get through it. I know that I won't be able to recover from this, and even if I will be able to, there is no guarantee that I will stay better. That doesn't seem like a very good deal to me. And even if I lived a "happy life", death just seems so much more peaceful than any other choice, even happiness. Overall, i'm just tired of living. I don't have many people left for me, and i've managed to isolate myself and ruin most of my relationships. I can't even truly articulate my feelings because every word I say seems so dull and empty and devoid of meaning as soon as I say it. I don't even know what i'll do for my last few days- honestly what seems the best for me is for the last week to simply stop talking or eating, to just lay in bed. It seems like such a nice and peaceful way to spend my last few days.