Just a ramble. Bad day sorta kinda

[burninghill]

I spoke to a tutor today about how I was feeling, not really intentionally. I just started crying, explained a couple bits and he told me he would contact a councillor for me. I don't know if you guys have any experience with councillors in education but I seriously don't have much hope lmao. I didn't really have a choice in it. He's a really lovely guy though and I appreciate him being the first person to really ask if I was alright and take active steps to help.

Ontop of the fact I don't necessarily want to be helped (despite genuinely appreciating it being offered and given), I also don't think I can discuss active self harm or suicidal ideation (intent), or even intrusive thoughts with them without my parents being contacted, which is something I want to avoid at all costs so I don't imagine I'll get very far with this councillor. They're not built to deal with the sort of problems I have, unfortunately.

I also had a nightmare last night, which was terrible. I struggle with intrusive thoughts, as just mentioned, and they started to manifest in my dreams sometime last year. Just really graphic depictions of people getting hurt, my friends killing themselves; sometimes the images I see in my dreams are direct copies of photos or videos I've seen online, which upsets me even more. It feels like my fault. I never wake up during the worst part, there's no shock followed by dramatically sitting up. That's not really related, it just made me sad.

TL;DR: Gonna talk to a shitty school councillor. I'm not really looking to recover so we probably won't get far. Nightmares suck

 

[Redacted24]

I'm susceptible to thoughts and dreams based on things I see and experience too. I visited a museum in Asia which was in the building where many people were tortured and killed.
I had terrible dreams for three days later and even typing this I get chills.

If things you see online are contributing to that, and it sounds like maybe they are, maybe try and avoid that content for a week to see if the images are less?

Like making an experiment to see what happens?
Just a thought.
Good luck with the counselor, try to keep that focused on getting better educational outcomes.
Another just a thought!