As title reads, sorry for wasting space and time. I've just tried to fill the hole in me so much but still feel so empty and anxious. I probably won't try anything tonight but why not? There's nothing waiting tomorrow that is worth it to live to. I just can't be happy. Seeing how late it's already gotten scares me and makes me want to cry since I don't want to be here tomorrow.
Part of me wants to hold out hope for SN but I haven't even gotten all the meds for it and I honestly doubt if it will be very peaceful. I'll probably end up having to resort to hanging regardless so in some ways the sooner the better I properly attempt.
When any of the few people who talk to me still write, including family, I just hate myself more when I send them another half-dead response and I'm not worthwhile to talk to at all. Just a blob of sadness and anxiety that works and fails a lot. I feel like such a burden yet I hate being alone as well. I hate how I don't even have enough words/emotions/care to write notes anymore. I just don't know what to say or have completely nothing.
It sometimes feels like I'm just waiting to completely sabotage myself or else I'm building up towards some point of no return. Perhaps it will be a breakdown or perhaps it will just be a quiet breaking of something and then I'll become completely incapable of feeling or caring. I want to leave while there's still a bit of something that I consider "me" - not all this numb, emotionless, dull thing that just hurts and hurts others.
This is a meaningless post, I don't expect many responses and it's highly doubtful I'll get many since I'm just venting and spreading my depression. Honestly I'd avoid me too. And as nice as any replies will be and as thankful as I'll be for them, this depression and anxiety eating away at me tonight will remain. I'll still be alone. So I really don't know what to do. I wish I could bring myself to attempt.
Part of me wants to hold out hope for SN but I haven't even gotten all the meds for it and I honestly doubt if it will be very peaceful. I'll probably end up having to resort to hanging regardless so in some ways the sooner the better I properly attempt.
When any of the few people who talk to me still write, including family, I just hate myself more when I send them another half-dead response and I'm not worthwhile to talk to at all. Just a blob of sadness and anxiety that works and fails a lot. I feel like such a burden yet I hate being alone as well. I hate how I don't even have enough words/emotions/care to write notes anymore. I just don't know what to say or have completely nothing.
It sometimes feels like I'm just waiting to completely sabotage myself or else I'm building up towards some point of no return. Perhaps it will be a breakdown or perhaps it will just be a quiet breaking of something and then I'll become completely incapable of feeling or caring. I want to leave while there's still a bit of something that I consider "me" - not all this numb, emotionless, dull thing that just hurts and hurts others.
This is a meaningless post, I don't expect many responses and it's highly doubtful I'll get many since I'm just venting and spreading my depression. Honestly I'd avoid me too. And as nice as any replies will be and as thankful as I'll be for them, this depression and anxiety eating away at me tonight will remain. I'll still be alone. So I really don't know what to do. I wish I could bring myself to attempt.
