Venting Just a dumb rant about my dumb life.

[dumbfukloser]

I don't even know where to start. I've been chronically depressed my whole life. Childhood trauma, assault, depression, bullying, abandonment. The same old story. Ive always felt less then, like I don't belong and I deserve to be abused and the way I've been treated my whole life seems to prove correct. I've tried to ctb in my late teens unfortunately/fortunately my mom saved me. Shorty after in my early 20's my mom got very sick, she was eventually diagnosed with cancer and my world crumbled. She was the only person I had, and the next 7 years were hell. I became her sole caretaker with little to no support from our very small family. She initially beat the cancer through a hard surgery and aggressive treatments but that only led to other complications and remained extremely ill. During those years I was a shell. I had no life, I was trying to build a career and play nurse 24/7. I don't regret a damn thing and I would do it all over in a heart beat. She passed a month after my 30 birthday and I died along with her. I had such guilt that I couldn't keep her alive. It's an irrational thought but I did. I never got a chance to really grieve. I had to return to work 3 days afterwards because without work there is no money. Everyone just expected me to man up and carry on. Which I did by drowning myself in alcohol and anything else that would take the pain away. Where I'm from men are not supposed To have feelings or be down, which is funny because my father was never around and I was raised single handed by my mom. She taught me to be kind and gentle, sweet and empathetic. Since I'm gay that didn't exactly help my cause, I wasn't considered a "man" in society. So I changed myself, I became this hyper toxic masculine prototype to just try and blend in. I don't even know who the fuck I actually am! I've thought about suicide non stop since, not from her passing but the depression, anxiety, shame, guilt and hatred I have for myself. I'm scared of people in a whole. I assume as soon as someone meets me they will realize I'm gay and just utterly HATE ME, (insert the society I grew up in). I'm scared to speak, or engage with anyone. I'm a social reject. I tried therapy and medications at my own expense since I couldn't afford health care through my job. I was told I had BPD and that was it.

I've been in a dream like state for the past few years, everything just felt fake and I gave zero fucks about anything. I engaged in risky behaviors and developed a porn addiction, no could will make you feel loved and special like those online cam models when you are throwing your whole pay check at them. It was my only source of "love" that I had. That lead to other problems and I tried other various half hearted attempts to off myself to no avail. 2 months ago I had a mental meltdown. I was ready to die, I threw away my career that I so desperately spent years working towards, I gave away valuable possessions and burned through every cent I had. The few people I did reach out to during this time basically laughed at me, called me weak. I decided to live through Christmas and new years because I wanted to celebrate one last time, even though I was completely alone. My day had came and my "fool proof" plan didn't work and I was heart broken. Why was I still here? I then again reached out to a few people and basically got a similar reaction. "lol, don't do that" "suck it up" "if you really wanted to die you would have". I had never felt more alone then ever. I've just sat in my home that I'm about to lose and rotted away. That eventually lead to more attempts. I tried to pick myself up, applied to a few jobs and got offered a decent job but was denied because i use thc to help me combat these feelings, like what the fuck? I find is most humorous that jobs don't mind if you're fucked at work on pain pills because a doctor said it was cool, but you smoke after work to calm down and YOU are the problem. I need fucking help. Everyone thinks once I get a new job. Problem solved, he's not sad anymore. He doesn't feel this soul crushing loneliness and hatred inside. Wrong. Not once did anyone ask why I felt like this or what might help me. I'm going to be homeless soon with nothing or no way to get the help I need. I know that was a long ass rant that probably made zero since to anyone but I felt good to say it. I tried to buy a gun the other day. I was so relieved, I smiled for the first time in months but wasn't able to because my last card got canceled. I wish I would have considered that option many years ago. Guess that's why I'm a weak ass faggot as I've been called. Life is a cruel game of survival and honestly I never wanted to play it.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I read the entire post word-for-word and it makes perfect sense. Wow, you have certainly had a rough life. I probaby would have CTBed right after if something like that happended to my mother. I don't have much advice to offer as to a solution for you, as I'm not even remotely close to arriving to an answer for my own situation, which is nowhere near as bad as yours. I'm thinking of heading down the road of substance abuse myself soon. Might as well numb myself for what will be the short remainder of the duration of my life, seeing as how I've already accepted the worse possible fate in opting for an early death.

 

[Argo]

Fully relate to you on how bad it is to be a kid without a father while having to get through bullying outside, and then abuse inside. There's really nothing to blame yourself for here and you can know that's true by realizing that there are other people in this exact same situation: You would never blame them, right? You'd just call them very unfortunate. You'd not hate them or belittle them. Imagine them as children, and imagine all the kids right now in this situation for it to be more obvious. We're not making stuff up, they are literally real, right now, as I'm writing and as you're reading. We'd be crazy to blame them. That's how you get out of the self-hatred, which is the bare minimum you deserve after everything you've been through, regardless of which direction your life goes

 

[d3ad]

I cried while reading this. I am so sorry. It is not fair that you went through such cruel experiences in life. I wish I could take away your pain., or somehow make you feel better. I am here whenever you need someone to talk to. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. Losing a mom hurts so bad, especially when you watch her slowly fade away. It really hurts. Being treated like an outcast also hurts. F society, F the people who make others feel like they are worthless and undeserving of love ad kindness. You do not deserve that at all. You do not have to ''man up'', fuck that. You are a human. To hell with the BS gender stereotypes society imposes on people. You deserved better, I am really sorry.

 

[dumbfukloser]

Thank everyone of ya'll for reading what I had to say and your kind words. I means so much to me to finally be heard and understand. So many times I've tried to open up to people and they immediately shut me down and tell me to get over it. I had sometime tell me tonight that I have to "want" to get better but it's not that simple. If we just simply got what we wanted I don't think any of us would be here. With no support or anyone to lean on when I need it seems hopeless. I know they didn't mean it in a hurtful way but to me it sounded like the equivalent of telling a cancer patient they have to want to not have cancer and it will be gone. Like it's some magical spell. Thank ya'll again from the bottom of my heart

I read the entire post word-for-word and it makes perfect sense. Wow, you have certainly had a rough life. I probaby would have CTBed right after if something like that happended to my mother. I don't have much advice to offer as to a solution for you, as I'm not even remotely close to arriving to an answer for my own situation, which is nowhere near as bad as yours. I'm thinking of heading down the road of substance abuse myself soon. Might as well numb myself for what will be the short remainder of the duration of my life, seeing as how I've already accepted the worse possible fate in opting for an early death.

Fully relate to you on how bad it is to be a kid without a father while having to get through bullying outside, and then abuse inside. There's really nothing to blame yourself for here and you can know that's true by realizing that there are other people in this exact same situation: You would never blame them, right? You'd just call them very unfortunate. You'd not hate them or belittle them. Imagine them as children, and imagine all the kids right now in this situation for it to be more obvious. We're not making stuff up, they are literally real, right now, as I'm writing and as you're reading. We'd be crazy to blame them. That's how you get out of the self-hatred, which is the bare minimum you deserve after everything you've been through, regardless of which direction your life goes

I cried while reading this. I am so sorry. It is not fair that you went through such cruel experiences in life. I wish I could take away your pain., or somehow make you feel better. I am here whenever you need someone to talk to. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. Losing a mom hurts so bad, especially when you watch her slowly fade away. It really hurts. Being treated like an outcast also hurts. F society, F the people who make others feel like they are worthless and undeserving of love ad kindness. You do not deserve that at all. You do not have to ''man up'', fuck that. You are a human. To hell with the BS gender stereotypes society imposes on people. You deserved better, I am really sorry.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I had sometime tell me tonight that I have to "want" to get better

It's no different than saying "you're choosing to be miserable" lol.

 

[BlockHammer]

Man im sorry for what happened to you, im hoping that whatever your doing is, it will bring you peace even if it mean that you have to off yourself

 

[dumbfukloser]

It's no different than saying "you're choosing to be miserable" lol.

That's the damn truth. It's exactly the same thing. Some people just don't have a way with words

 

[MiPrimerBeso]

This is a weird thing to say (because of where we are and your situation), but: Are you looking for gay friends or dating?

PS: I created an account just to make this comment.

 

[sserafim]

Life is a cruel game of survival and honestly I never wanted to play it.

So true. I hate that I was brought into the game against my will

 

[dumbfukloser]

This is a weird thing to say (because of where we are and your situation), but: Are you looking for gay friends or dating?

PS: I created an account just to make this comment.

To be honest I'd be open to both. It might just make existing more a little more bearable. I can't say I've really tried either in the past couple of years.

 

[MiPrimerBeso]

To be honest I'd be open to both. It might just make existing more a little more bearable. I can't say I've really tried either in the past couple of years.

Do you have Snapchat or anything else we can talk through?

To be honest I'd be open to both. It might just make existing more a little more bearable. I can't say I've really tried either in the past couple of years.

I tried to send you a message in private, but it's almost impossible. Please txt me over here.