journaling is not for me

[waverinthought]

I've spent a majority of my teenage-hood journaling my feelings as a way to feel heard and understand myself in the long term. Unfortunately, this isn't a very healthy outlet for me. Every single time I journal my feelings I feel a heavier burden than before I even put the pen to paper. I quit journaling altogether as a way to stop taking myself so seriously but I feel so lonely and misunderstood with no where to turn now. There's truly no one to talk to about the things I've been going through and I just don't feel like myself.

I anchored a necktie to my closet, and I really wanted to just end it right here right now because the things that I'm trying to live for just don't seem good enough to justify the psychological stress I'm feeling right now. Thankfully I'm here writing this post instead because there's still a part of me that wants to be okay and keep living. I feel like if I'm alone with my thoughts for much longer I'm not going to be on this earth anymore. I'm not doing well at all.

I believe that after death, the energy we once had trickles down to its most basic form. It disperses to the things around us and gets transferred back and forth and slowly builds itself up over years. The bits and pieces of energy of billions of life forms before me coagulated to conceive myself, and I will be a part of someone else someday. That's just assuming that the highest life form is human life. In a less self-centered approach, the energy I carried would instead contribute to something greater. This probably makes me the worst Christian alive, because if there is a hell that's exactly where I'm going.

 

[deomlez]

I have found a therapist who is able to hear me, even when i talk about ctb. It s cool bc she doesn t try to change my mind. And i won t change. But during the time I m waiting the train it s good to talk to s.o. with a brain and kindfullness (all therapists are not like her, i assume). Perhaps it can be a good option for you ? Not all ppl here will agree with that haha
Sorry but i have not the same beliefs for the end of your message.

 

[waverinthought]

I have found a therapist who is able to hear me, even when i talk about ctb. It s cool bc she doesn t try to change my mind. And i won t change. But during the time I m waiting the train it s good to talk to s.o. with a brain and kindfullness (all therapists are not like her, i assume). Perhaps it can be a good option for you ? Not all ppl here will agree with that haha
Sorry but i have not the same beliefs for the end of your message.

hello, i don't have the resources to look for a good therapist, and ive had a bad experience with one so I don't like therapy at all. i wish it was a viable option for me though, it seems to really help people.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @waverinthought,

I've spent a majority of my teenage-hood journaling my feelings as a way to feel heard and understand myself in the long term. Unfortunately, this isn't a very healthy outlet for me. Every single time I journal my feelings I feel a heavier burden than before I even put the pen to paper. I quit journaling altogether as a way to stop taking myself so seriously but I feel so lonely and misunderstood with no where to turn now. There's truly no one to talk to about the things I've been going through and I just don't feel like myself.

I'm so sorry that you didn't have anybody who are willing to listen to you.
But now you are on Sanctioned Suicide and people here are incredibly caring.
Please vent here, and you'll get a lot of support from people who are not judgemental, I guess.

I anchored a necktie to my closet, and I really wanted to just end it right here right now because the things that I'm trying to live for just don't seem good enough to justify the psychological stress I'm feeling right now. Thankfully I'm here writing this post instead because there's still a part of me that wants to be okay and keep living. I feel like if I'm alone with my thoughts for much longer I'm not going to be on this earth anymore. I'm not doing well at all.

Sometimes I've hit by similar thoughts. I have equipment to hang myself, so even though I know it's not that simple but I feel like all I need to do are to tie a knot, put a knot on my neck, kick the bucket and game over. I'm so sorry that you are feeling hopeless. I wish I could give some advice but I don't have it, because chances are, you've tried so hard.

I believe that after death, the energy we once had trickles down to its most basic form. It disperses to the things around us and gets transferred back and forth and slowly builds itself up over years. The bits and pieces of energy of billions of life forms before me coagulated to conceive myself, and I will be a part of someone else someday. That's just assuming that the highest life form is human life. In a less self-centered approach, the energy I carried would instead contribute to something greater. This probably makes me the worst Christian alive, because if there is a hell that's exactly where I'm going.

I'm not a Christian technically, but I feel like God exists and sometimes I fear that I might be end up in hell. Sometimes I feel as if I'm playing God on this forum.

hello, i don't have the resources to look for a good therapist, and ive had a bad experience with one so I don't like therapy at all. i wish it was a viable option for me though, it seems to really help people.

Like @deomlez, I've found a incredibly compassionate therapist, who even says she's pro-choice, but she's an exception and not the norm. I'm deeply grateful for her and my sheer luck.
People might push you therapy, but I think you don't necessarily need a trained therapist. Personally I've been helped a lot by people on this forum. Do you have something you want to achieve which needs professional therapist?

Thanks for reading and I hope your life will be a bit less unbearable

Love,
LoiteringClouds

Edit: since you had kept a journal, I think you are good at expressing your thoughts, and it can help you get better.
And I keep a journal with my "imaginary friend" - it's weird but personally it helped me a lot.