jimmy7754
I just want to be myself again
- Dec 15, 2021
- 508
I've started yet another journal of my daily thoughts so I can at least start my day by writing the date.. day.. I remember before I hit rock rock bottom the days starting to blur and I would go to work forgetting the date day sometimes.. the monotonous of it all just gets to me.. I definitely ended up in the wrong career field yet again.. I cannot find work that's tolerable for me and I'm already feeling old and have health problems at 32 yes it's young but health is subjective.. Its actually humorous to laugh at my writing and thoughts… excuse my silly humor but it's like I'm some sort of retarded 8th grade man child.. I wrote out a treatment plan.. pointing things out to practice more activities that provide delayed gratification and have some sort of benefits to my self esteem.. but at the end of the journal and day.. I have so many reasons to justify my suicide I just laugh.. I wish I could just commit to it.. my quality of life even after I "try to commit" to this.. I don't see it getting anywhere.. I feel like a rock with eyes.. waiting around for a comet to come strike me into the earth and banish my existence from this hellish capitalistic American rat race which I didn't get a chance to make enough sense of personally and gain any sort of real fulfillment from it.. it's just a game.. a chess match with garbage on the board..
