Not sure whether I ruin my karma with this hyperbole (joke) again. I had a pretty good day. Maybe even amazing.
I have to work on a seminar paper but I am so fucking depressed because I crave extremely strong for a partner. And my paranoid brain ruined it with an extremely attractive woman at college. I told that story in my self-help group at college. And there was one woman who potentially was interested in me. I sort of wanted to make her jealous with that story but I also used that story of that extremely attractive woman to introduce myself and my issues to her. The last time I was at my self-help group was before the chrsitmas holidays. Then as always I became paranoid when I met that woman from the self-help group for the first time. I was very very certain I also ruined it with the woman from that self-help group. I almost forgot her again. I told them I will come back to the self-help group when my exams are over. I was so certain she had forgotten me. I only was there to say goodbye to the people who organize that group. Well I was there today. She sat next to me, said she is very happy I came back, we joked with each other, impressed each other with knowledge and education, we seemingly have a pretty good chemistry. She is not as extremely good looking as the other woman however we fit to each other way better and this is what counts for me. What does this have to do with Jesus Christ?
I will have to dig deeper and say what I did today.
As I said I was very depressed, so lonely and sad. And I have to do that seminar paper which feels horrendous because I am so unhappy about life and my lack of a partner, that my mind always ruins it etc. I just hated everything.
First I watched two episodes of the anime Gantz. I can remember that from my time as a teenager. I elaborated on some shocking scenes in a thread about gore that shaped my world view as a teengaer. The main character in the first episode in the anime not in the manga gets a boner at school. And other people notice it and make jokes about him. Well guess what happened to me in that self-help group. She sat next me, she had she is very happy I came again, we had a good chemistry, I felt attracted to her and well I got a boner...not for a few minutes a pretty long time. Something like that happened to me the last time maybe a decade ago as a teenager. Just because of that Gantz scene I could not think about anything else. I thought all the time please I don't want getting a boner and exactly that happened then. Gladly she did not mind it. I assume she has no sexual traumata in contrast to all the other women I have met during the last years. It was awkward for me. But I think she also took it as a compliment. (my friends replied they assume she probably did not even notice it which could very well be possible.) I was in weird spot. Either I act as if I had none which was my main strategy. Or I tried with changing my position on the chair and things like that to make him disappear. After a while it got better. I am glad she did not felt offended or shit like that. I am not sure how common such a phenomenon is. I must have been pretty horny despite the fact my medication decreases my libido a lot. I really start to like her. And I think we might really fit to each other. She also does not drink alcohol. She is educated and good looking. We both have our mental demons.
Now comes the part with Jesus Christ. Some years ago I met a quantum physics professor in a clinic. He became one of my special people in my head. He always told me noone can predict the future and that my obession with my pre-determined suicide (and other predictions) sort of annoy the shit out of him. This dude impressed me through and through. He did not consider me smart at all. He was the smartest person I have met in my whole life. He was so extremely humble and down to earth. This really shaped me. Maybe a little bit too much.
So this is why I started to be interested in quantum physics. I sort of give up wanting to understand it. I am not smart enough for that. Or this is at least not the skill I am the best in. I love to watch this Swiss philosophy show on youtube. There was an interview with the physics noble Prize winner Anton Zeilinger some time ago. He believes very deeply into catholicism. I tend to listen too much to authority figures. I already watched that interview once and wanted to listen to it again. He states the following: quantum physics tends to prove that our understanding of reality is distorted (I don't know all the proper translations otherwise I could elaborate more on it. don't listen to my takes on physics anyway). Moreover our understanding of room and time seems to be wrong. This made me think. What if I am in a solipsistic torture simulation and someone or soemthing wants to test me. The simulation does not necessarily have to be solipsisistic. (Solipsism more or less means the other people are NPCs).
This was at least my interpretation. What even more nudged me in that direction. Zeiling believes in God and he even is convinced that God is able to intervene in life from time to time. My main argument against an almight God is the theodiye question which I elaborated in my thread about "Is God pro-death?" where I sort of insullted him fiercely. I am still no believer in God. I once was very much into atheism but I tend to be more agnositc on it now. My belief in God made everything way worse when I was suicidal during my first major depression. For example the guilt tripping. (I am still depressed and suicidal just as a fact.)
Maybe it is kind of pathetic. There are people who start to believe in God when they have a near death experience. And for me it is the same if I meet a woman that does not run away from me immediately. There were and there are countless people tortured in this forum (and world) for no just reason. The only explanation which would justify that was if all the other people were NPCs and I am living in a simulation. But I am far away from being convinced. However when this insanely extremely guy said he is convinced God is able to intervene sometimes in this world this gave me a short thought not to rule that out. And God gave me this experience with my self-help group as a gift. However such trade-offs seem to be pretty childish and naive notion of religion. When I was a child I was raised somewhat religious (christianity). My mom beated me up for OCD behavior. For example also when I was praying in a weird way always repeating the same things over and over again. I never was very religious and I doubt I will become that. But I don't rule God out. At least for the moment. Not as much because of this probably coincidence that happened to me today. Rather because of quantum physics and stuff like that.. Why does the universe follow laws of nature? And these laws are so fucking simple.
This thread is not meant to convert people. And I don't mean it completely serious (obviously). I am still agnostic and I I can relate to many people who hate God for all their torture. People who lost loved ones to whatever injust torture they had to endure. But I don't rule God completely out anymore. I think it is not necessary to post this in recovery. It is rather some contrarianism and food for thought. I had no problem to move this to recovery but don't take it too serious. Especially if I meet her the next week and it turns out that I was once again completely delusional about her. I never fit into the religious delusions guy prototype. I usually have more mundane delusions (like women were interested in me). But many mental illness come along with some religious thinking. Like guilt during depressions which is similar to religious beliefs. Or some schizophrenics or bipolar people who hear voices and think it was God speaking to them.
I have to work on a seminar paper but I am so fucking depressed because I crave extremely strong for a partner. And my paranoid brain ruined it with an extremely attractive woman at college. I told that story in my self-help group at college. And there was one woman who potentially was interested in me. I sort of wanted to make her jealous with that story but I also used that story of that extremely attractive woman to introduce myself and my issues to her. The last time I was at my self-help group was before the chrsitmas holidays. Then as always I became paranoid when I met that woman from the self-help group for the first time. I was very very certain I also ruined it with the woman from that self-help group. I almost forgot her again. I told them I will come back to the self-help group when my exams are over. I was so certain she had forgotten me. I only was there to say goodbye to the people who organize that group. Well I was there today. She sat next to me, said she is very happy I came back, we joked with each other, impressed each other with knowledge and education, we seemingly have a pretty good chemistry. She is not as extremely good looking as the other woman however we fit to each other way better and this is what counts for me. What does this have to do with Jesus Christ?
I will have to dig deeper and say what I did today.
As I said I was very depressed, so lonely and sad. And I have to do that seminar paper which feels horrendous because I am so unhappy about life and my lack of a partner, that my mind always ruins it etc. I just hated everything.
First I watched two episodes of the anime Gantz. I can remember that from my time as a teenager. I elaborated on some shocking scenes in a thread about gore that shaped my world view as a teengaer. The main character in the first episode in the anime not in the manga gets a boner at school. And other people notice it and make jokes about him. Well guess what happened to me in that self-help group. She sat next me, she had she is very happy I came again, we had a good chemistry, I felt attracted to her and well I got a boner...not for a few minutes a pretty long time. Something like that happened to me the last time maybe a decade ago as a teenager. Just because of that Gantz scene I could not think about anything else. I thought all the time please I don't want getting a boner and exactly that happened then. Gladly she did not mind it. I assume she has no sexual traumata in contrast to all the other women I have met during the last years. It was awkward for me. But I think she also took it as a compliment. (my friends replied they assume she probably did not even notice it which could very well be possible.) I was in weird spot. Either I act as if I had none which was my main strategy. Or I tried with changing my position on the chair and things like that to make him disappear. After a while it got better. I am glad she did not felt offended or shit like that. I am not sure how common such a phenomenon is. I must have been pretty horny despite the fact my medication decreases my libido a lot. I really start to like her. And I think we might really fit to each other. She also does not drink alcohol. She is educated and good looking. We both have our mental demons.
Now comes the part with Jesus Christ. Some years ago I met a quantum physics professor in a clinic. He became one of my special people in my head. He always told me noone can predict the future and that my obession with my pre-determined suicide (and other predictions) sort of annoy the shit out of him. This dude impressed me through and through. He did not consider me smart at all. He was the smartest person I have met in my whole life. He was so extremely humble and down to earth. This really shaped me. Maybe a little bit too much.
So this is why I started to be interested in quantum physics. I sort of give up wanting to understand it. I am not smart enough for that. Or this is at least not the skill I am the best in. I love to watch this Swiss philosophy show on youtube. There was an interview with the physics noble Prize winner Anton Zeilinger some time ago. He believes very deeply into catholicism. I tend to listen too much to authority figures. I already watched that interview once and wanted to listen to it again. He states the following: quantum physics tends to prove that our understanding of reality is distorted (I don't know all the proper translations otherwise I could elaborate more on it. don't listen to my takes on physics anyway). Moreover our understanding of room and time seems to be wrong. This made me think. What if I am in a solipsistic torture simulation and someone or soemthing wants to test me. The simulation does not necessarily have to be solipsisistic. (Solipsism more or less means the other people are NPCs).
This was at least my interpretation. What even more nudged me in that direction. Zeiling believes in God and he even is convinced that God is able to intervene in life from time to time. My main argument against an almight God is the theodiye question which I elaborated in my thread about "Is God pro-death?" where I sort of insullted him fiercely. I am still no believer in God. I once was very much into atheism but I tend to be more agnositc on it now. My belief in God made everything way worse when I was suicidal during my first major depression. For example the guilt tripping. (I am still depressed and suicidal just as a fact.)
Maybe it is kind of pathetic. There are people who start to believe in God when they have a near death experience. And for me it is the same if I meet a woman that does not run away from me immediately. There were and there are countless people tortured in this forum (and world) for no just reason. The only explanation which would justify that was if all the other people were NPCs and I am living in a simulation. But I am far away from being convinced. However when this insanely extremely guy said he is convinced God is able to intervene sometimes in this world this gave me a short thought not to rule that out. And God gave me this experience with my self-help group as a gift. However such trade-offs seem to be pretty childish and naive notion of religion. When I was a child I was raised somewhat religious (christianity). My mom beated me up for OCD behavior. For example also when I was praying in a weird way always repeating the same things over and over again. I never was very religious and I doubt I will become that. But I don't rule God out. At least for the moment. Not as much because of this probably coincidence that happened to me today. Rather because of quantum physics and stuff like that.. Why does the universe follow laws of nature? And these laws are so fucking simple.
This thread is not meant to convert people. And I don't mean it completely serious (obviously). I am still agnostic and I I can relate to many people who hate God for all their torture. People who lost loved ones to whatever injust torture they had to endure. But I don't rule God completely out anymore. I think it is not necessary to post this in recovery. It is rather some contrarianism and food for thought. I had no problem to move this to recovery but don't take it too serious. Especially if I meet her the next week and it turns out that I was once again completely delusional about her. I never fit into the religious delusions guy prototype. I usually have more mundane delusions (like women were interested in me). But many mental illness come along with some religious thinking. Like guilt during depressions which is similar to religious beliefs. Or some schizophrenics or bipolar people who hear voices and think it was God speaking to them.
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