Venting Jealousy

[lemonandcapers]

I saw news today of a celebrity kissing someone. A sense of dread washed over me. I ignore the initial reaction and repeat the words like a mantra: "I don't know her, so I don't care what she does".

I tried to let it go, but the uneasiness lingered. I scrolled back to the photos, studying them intently while monitoring the changes in my emotions. While the feeling amplified and was accompanied by depression, it remained a mystery what was bothering me about these photos. An online friend and I briefly discussed them, and they mentioned having a partner. I was not aware of this previously. This revelation caused me to understand what was wrong: I was jealous.

I was jealous because she had the world at her feet, and she could have any man or woman she wanted. She had millions of people caring about her (sometimes, to an extreme). She looked happy and carefree, having someone else to share an intimate moment with. As my phone screen darkened, I saw the stark contrast between the two of us.

I can't make large crowds of people swoon by standing still. I have very few people who care about me. Even if they do care, if I were to disappear, it would take a week or two for anyone to notice. I'm not incredibly ugly, but I'm certainly not as pretty as she is. I suppose the positive of this is that I have never been catcalled before. My life is anything but carefree right now. I'm locked onto a chair for eight hours, five times a week, and I barely leave my house. My body is breaking down. My parents control my life despite being an adult. I have never been in a proper relationship or kissed anyone. I'm miserable and am teetering on the edge of CTB.

Social media is an illusion. Celebrities are an illusion. I understand this fully. However, I have so little that there is no illusion for me to show. It's impossible to ignore how messed up I am physically and mentally right now.

It's not just this specific celebrity. It's everyone. I felt a similar gloom scrolling through the curated pages of former high school classmates. I am consumed by overwhelming jealousy as I watch the world spin without me. It contributes towards my ever-growing craving to CTB. Survival of the fittest: you either overcome or succumb, and I am doing the latter.

 

[botanormal]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I know it can feel so gut-wrenching to look at posts like this on social media. Things seem so lovely in the lives of other people, it feels impossible to not compare. Especially when they seem to have everything, knowing you would be happy with even just a fraction of what they appear to have. You're not alone, I often feel so incredibly jealous, especially when looking at people around my age living lives I could only fantasise about having. I guess that's the curse of social media - a lot of the time only the glamorised moments of our lives are shared. I know I've seen plenty of people's instagrams that show them to be so incredibly happy, knowing their true lives are the furthest thing from it. Even if certain moments are real, they are not always constant, or even take up a significant portion of their real lives. Like you said, illusions. Not to say that some people aren't genuinely just a lot more fulfilled than we are, but more that I think everything online should be taken with a pinch of salt. That doesn't erase the feelings it stirs up inside you though, that is very real & I understand how horrible it can feel to look longingly at a version of life you feel you may never reach. And it's okay you're not displaying any kind of illusion of yourself, your true genuine self is what's important, even if that version of you feels broken & hopeless. At least it makes you real, I think. I know that might not mean much considering those feelings are so painful to deal with, and I'm truly sorry you're suffering in this way. Thank you for sharing though! I'm sending virtual hugs your way.

 

[idk3]

I wish I knew what to say, but my jealousy turned into bitterness a long time ago and have no idea how to change that.

Growing up with a popular thriving twin sibling, I couldn't ever escape it.