Venting Jealousy and envy

[DrinkingInHell]

I sometimes feel ashamed by how jealous I am of other people I know. I can help but be extremely envious when people have a partner, money, friends, etc. It's a sort of self righteous "I deserve that so why don't I have it" mentality I struggle with. I feel as though I've done a lot to "deserve" friendship and love. I've been as kind and open minded as I can be to the people I've met in life yet I don't think anybody has given it back. I know a person who said they'd have killed themselves on election night if it wasn't for their other friends. I felt almost angry hearing that as I'd been on the phone with that person that whole night. Did I not mean anything to them? Doesn't feel like I do. Think I'm just a whiny man though lol. Caring way too much about other people or their lives.
Intrusive thoughts are real bad tonight too. Genuinely feels like torture thinking the stuff my brains coming up with

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

 

[ClippedWings]

ya, I feel similar, if I felt it was still possible to win I would play the game, but when all causal pathways lead to trash outcomes, I choose to die early, simple realization really.