perdredenord
he/him • wishing for a will to live
- Dec 26, 2020
- 59
Every single possible thing that could go wrong has gone wrong in the past few days. I have absolutely no one left. My roommate left me to spend time with my best friend, and they're hanging out with a girl who absolutely hates me, and my roommate wants time away from me, so I wasn't allowed to go.
I can't be alone tonight and had had plans for another dear friend to come and write music with me and spend the night tonight, I haven't seen him in over a month now.
He confirmed last night, then didn't respond to me all day until 6pm, to cancel.
my car's engine completely died last night, and its going to be towed tomorrow at my expense because I couldn't get the help to try and push it back int to the driveway, and it's illegal in my neighborhood to park in front of your own house. lol.
So, I'm gonna go ahead and ctb tonight. I'm tired. It's time. I've been holding on, hoping things might get better, but literally every single day makes things worse. It's like a joke at this point. It's a cruel, horrific joke. And I'm done.
method (for those of y'all who will probably be concerned this is not thought out - which I definitely understand - but I promise that is not entirely the case) —
I'm gonna go take the two tabs of LSD we've got here and make my SN and drink it out there.
I've been eating almonds and taking ginger supplements for the 11 days, because everything has been so bad that I've just kinda been prepping as much as possible. Had originally planned to do the 48 hr reg, but, things happen, and we've got stat dose as an alternative.
took my ibuprofen earlier, I've been having headaches. I've been on risperidal for two weeks, so that's what I'm using for my ae.
I was on trintellix for 3 months before this, and it made food taste and smell like sewage, and I was so nauseated constantly that I was throwing up at least once a day, usually about two hours after I'd taken it. I was taken off 01/05 so I've been experiencing withdrawals (SO much worse nausea lmaoooo) and I eat like, 4 bites of food every couple of days because I can't handle any more than that, hah. So I've been "fasting" for about 48 hours now anyway. I've got some gabapentin and a few Vicodin(already know my body's reaction to them, I promise) so I'll prolly take those about 45 min beforehand.
and then... I'm just gonna lay on the floor of my van, with the windows lightly blocked so it's not like, super shady lol, and board the bus with some Family Crest or Razia's Shadow.
the only person who would even notice won't be home until probably tomorrow night.
No one will care aside from the mess they have to clean up from what I didn't take care of.
my last act will be leaving one last shitty memory of myself on the people I tried to love.
I'm poison. I hope they toss my ashes in the trash and forget about me.
Gonna wipe my phone right after I take the SN.
All I can think of is the song "Wait", by The Dear Hunter -
< Then I said, "wait,
Is my body really part of the earth
And is there blood running through my veins?"
I'll know when I turn to dust,
But I fear the answer isn't enough
So, will I never know heaven or hell?
Or is eternity something worse?
I keep my eyes from looking too far up -
I fear that there is a heaven above.
I will travel alone, and probably terrified. I can only hope that I pass out swiftly, and that whatever happens next is kinder to me than this life was.
thank you all for teaching me as much as you did. I'm sorry for being rude and annoying and not understanding the rules. I appreciate the help I received here and I hope I didn't cause anyone here too much trouble.
je suis malade d'être ici.
I can't be alone tonight and had had plans for another dear friend to come and write music with me and spend the night tonight, I haven't seen him in over a month now.
He confirmed last night, then didn't respond to me all day until 6pm, to cancel.
my car's engine completely died last night, and its going to be towed tomorrow at my expense because I couldn't get the help to try and push it back int to the driveway, and it's illegal in my neighborhood to park in front of your own house. lol.
So, I'm gonna go ahead and ctb tonight. I'm tired. It's time. I've been holding on, hoping things might get better, but literally every single day makes things worse. It's like a joke at this point. It's a cruel, horrific joke. And I'm done.
method (for those of y'all who will probably be concerned this is not thought out - which I definitely understand - but I promise that is not entirely the case) —
I'm gonna go take the two tabs of LSD we've got here and make my SN and drink it out there.
I've been eating almonds and taking ginger supplements for the 11 days, because everything has been so bad that I've just kinda been prepping as much as possible. Had originally planned to do the 48 hr reg, but, things happen, and we've got stat dose as an alternative.
took my ibuprofen earlier, I've been having headaches. I've been on risperidal for two weeks, so that's what I'm using for my ae.
I was on trintellix for 3 months before this, and it made food taste and smell like sewage, and I was so nauseated constantly that I was throwing up at least once a day, usually about two hours after I'd taken it. I was taken off 01/05 so I've been experiencing withdrawals (SO much worse nausea lmaoooo) and I eat like, 4 bites of food every couple of days because I can't handle any more than that, hah. So I've been "fasting" for about 48 hours now anyway. I've got some gabapentin and a few Vicodin(already know my body's reaction to them, I promise) so I'll prolly take those about 45 min beforehand.
and then... I'm just gonna lay on the floor of my van, with the windows lightly blocked so it's not like, super shady lol, and board the bus with some Family Crest or Razia's Shadow.
the only person who would even notice won't be home until probably tomorrow night.
No one will care aside from the mess they have to clean up from what I didn't take care of.
my last act will be leaving one last shitty memory of myself on the people I tried to love.
I'm poison. I hope they toss my ashes in the trash and forget about me.
Gonna wipe my phone right after I take the SN.
All I can think of is the song "Wait", by The Dear Hunter -
< Then I said, "wait,
Is my body really part of the earth
And is there blood running through my veins?"
I'll know when I turn to dust,
But I fear the answer isn't enough
So, will I never know heaven or hell?
Or is eternity something worse?
I keep my eyes from looking too far up -
I fear that there is a heaven above.
I will travel alone, and probably terrified. I can only hope that I pass out swiftly, and that whatever happens next is kinder to me than this life was.
thank you all for teaching me as much as you did. I'm sorry for being rude and annoying and not understanding the rules. I appreciate the help I received here and I hope I didn't cause anyone here too much trouble.
je suis malade d'être ici.
RIP 
