Even before I was actively suicidal, I've always been unsatisfied with life. Everything felt so repetitive, dull, and lonely.
I don't recall the context since it was so long ago, but when I was around 7 or 8 years old I told my mother during a conversation we were having that I wished that I had never been born. She started crying and then I felt completely awful for even having those thoughts. I think I tried to suppress my feelings then, but when she died I just couldn't. That event was the real turning point for me, and everything has just been on a rapid decline since.
I first seriously considered suicide at 9 years of age. I wrote an awful suicide note and often thought about methods despite me not having access to any reliable ones. My grandmother forced me to call a suicide hotline around this time, and it did nothing. I haven't tried again since and have no intention to with all the horror stories I've read of them. I remember being accused of attention-seeking by my school counselor, which was of course very helpful.
For almost the entirety of my life I've wanted out, even when I wasn't really aware of suicide. Something has just always felt wrong about this life; like I'm not supposed to be here. When I'm in a tall building, near traffic, and in many other situations, it's really common for me to just fantasize about doing something to just end everything. I can't really describe how painful it is to wait when I've already had to do so for so long, especially when my living situation seems to keep worsening with each passing year.
I live with just my grandmother, and I'm trying my best to stay here with her since she doesn't really have anyone else to take care of her, but on many occasions I have seriously considered leaving despite that, even though it makes me feel terrible. I don't want to leave anyone behind, but I also don't want to be here. I've never belonged. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know what I'm expected to do by society but I just can't do it. I can't handle the way anything in this world works. I've never been able to. I've always felt so scared and overwhelmed by it all.
If I had a reliable method, I think I would feel so much more confident and at peace, knowing I can go whenever I'm ready. That I don't have to stay for longer than I'm capable of. It's the uncertainty that really gets to me. It could be years before I'm able to even try to get SN. It makes me both angry and nervous to see that it's becoming harder and harder to obtain. It feels like the world is mocking me. It was so easy to purchase before, but whenever I'm finally able to get any I wouldn't be surprised if it's almost completely impossible to find. It seems like it's quickly getting to that point as it is.
I hate it. It's like this world wants me gone but it's also not letting me leave. Just please let me go already. It's not like I'm even really "living" anyway. I don't do much of anything good for anyone and my life is just a joke that's not worth anything. So what's even the point of me being here in the grand scheme of things. I don't necessarily believe in a higher being (and nothing against those who do), but sometimes I can't help but think that this is all a source of twisted entertainment for a hypothetical deity; that they're looking down on and laughing at us. Everything is so fucked that my mind just clings on to random explanations, but this is just unfortunately how things are.
I don't know. Thanks to anyone who reads this whole tangent.
I don't recall the context since it was so long ago, but when I was around 7 or 8 years old I told my mother during a conversation we were having that I wished that I had never been born. She started crying and then I felt completely awful for even having those thoughts. I think I tried to suppress my feelings then, but when she died I just couldn't. That event was the real turning point for me, and everything has just been on a rapid decline since.
I first seriously considered suicide at 9 years of age. I wrote an awful suicide note and often thought about methods despite me not having access to any reliable ones. My grandmother forced me to call a suicide hotline around this time, and it did nothing. I haven't tried again since and have no intention to with all the horror stories I've read of them. I remember being accused of attention-seeking by my school counselor, which was of course very helpful.
For almost the entirety of my life I've wanted out, even when I wasn't really aware of suicide. Something has just always felt wrong about this life; like I'm not supposed to be here. When I'm in a tall building, near traffic, and in many other situations, it's really common for me to just fantasize about doing something to just end everything. I can't really describe how painful it is to wait when I've already had to do so for so long, especially when my living situation seems to keep worsening with each passing year.
I live with just my grandmother, and I'm trying my best to stay here with her since she doesn't really have anyone else to take care of her, but on many occasions I have seriously considered leaving despite that, even though it makes me feel terrible. I don't want to leave anyone behind, but I also don't want to be here. I've never belonged. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know what I'm expected to do by society but I just can't do it. I can't handle the way anything in this world works. I've never been able to. I've always felt so scared and overwhelmed by it all.
If I had a reliable method, I think I would feel so much more confident and at peace, knowing I can go whenever I'm ready. That I don't have to stay for longer than I'm capable of. It's the uncertainty that really gets to me. It could be years before I'm able to even try to get SN. It makes me both angry and nervous to see that it's becoming harder and harder to obtain. It feels like the world is mocking me. It was so easy to purchase before, but whenever I'm finally able to get any I wouldn't be surprised if it's almost completely impossible to find. It seems like it's quickly getting to that point as it is.
I hate it. It's like this world wants me gone but it's also not letting me leave. Just please let me go already. It's not like I'm even really "living" anyway. I don't do much of anything good for anyone and my life is just a joke that's not worth anything. So what's even the point of me being here in the grand scheme of things. I don't necessarily believe in a higher being (and nothing against those who do), but sometimes I can't help but think that this is all a source of twisted entertainment for a hypothetical deity; that they're looking down on and laughing at us. Everything is so fucked that my mind just clings on to random explanations, but this is just unfortunately how things are.
I don't know. Thanks to anyone who reads this whole tangent.
