iridescence
<3
- Apr 25, 2025
- 17
I just can't anymore. I've felt so good recently, so, so good. I've been washing my dishes almost every time I use them, and, lately, my grandmother's too. I've been doing the assignments I have to do even if I'm still a little behind. I've actually been doing more than I was supposed to because I'm doing the work directly from the textbooks instead of the questions the professors give you. 30 fucking pages I've written for only one class. I get up at a reasonable hour, go to sleep at 8-10 pm every day. Sit outside for a decent amount of time. Bathing. Basic hygiene. Setting up my room finally. The occasional odd job.
It still isn't fucking enough. 2 bowls from before i started doing my grandmother's dishes as well. I just. I don't know. It was from before, it wasn't necessary, it was just like my brain said NO DON'T DO IT and today was just.
I'm sobbing and I just feel pathetic as hell. My grandmother, of course, has to notice all I don't do. She has to get up to do dishes because apparently I won't do them. She bangs around and mutters and swears and all about how she has to do everything and I'm a loser and no wonder I have no one, and then mutters and mutters and sometimes it goes on for hours and I was so sick of it I just went and told her to shut up.
I wish I could've when she'd talk about how 'rapeable' I was, how I'd love it. This just feels so normal in comparison, but it's like everytime she starts to get into that mood I want to cry and scream because even if it's not as bad it FEELS like it's as bad as it used to be. And I don't even have the money to leave her. Fuck. This is so pointless. I don't have a single soul to talk to this about but it's like I need to articulate the feeling, just get it out rhere and be done with it.
Of course the literal day I come back to check this site out it get's worse. What a joy.
It still isn't fucking enough. 2 bowls from before i started doing my grandmother's dishes as well. I just. I don't know. It was from before, it wasn't necessary, it was just like my brain said NO DON'T DO IT and today was just.
I'm sobbing and I just feel pathetic as hell. My grandmother, of course, has to notice all I don't do. She has to get up to do dishes because apparently I won't do them. She bangs around and mutters and swears and all about how she has to do everything and I'm a loser and no wonder I have no one, and then mutters and mutters and sometimes it goes on for hours and I was so sick of it I just went and told her to shut up.
I wish I could've when she'd talk about how 'rapeable' I was, how I'd love it. This just feels so normal in comparison, but it's like everytime she starts to get into that mood I want to cry and scream because even if it's not as bad it FEELS like it's as bad as it used to be. And I don't even have the money to leave her. Fuck. This is so pointless. I don't have a single soul to talk to this about but it's like I need to articulate the feeling, just get it out rhere and be done with it.
Of course the literal day I come back to check this site out it get's worse. What a joy.
