gotomrg
Member
- Mar 10, 2023
- 58
im 20 now. when i was 16-17 i was everything i want to be now. i used to be skinny (totally a beauty bare minimum in my country, not even a beauty standard), popular in a way i guess, perceived by other people as funny, witty, smart, pretty, desirable, sociable on the level that i wanted to be. i was 16 when i lost my virginity and was sexual enough for me to be satisfied and feel good about myself. i felt smart, i felt even kinda hopeful for the future. you know that song future by billie eilish? yep that was my jam back then.
when i entered a very good university and met my new girlfriend i was 17. we've been dating for 2,5 years now. she's a vulnerable narcissist and a very neglecting partner. from the start she almost never gave me compliments, gifts, anything. she was (and still is) very abusive, subconsciously manipulative, toxic. she takes up all the space, there's no room for me or how i feel. and she banned every possible emotion i can have. me feeling sad = me being a pussy. me feeling mad = me being a crazy psycho. she's always jealous and i dont give her any reason to be. she can't express her emotions normally and can't react to mine in a non toxic way.
she's been trying to change (if you can call journaling and watching videos on youtube trying), but its not enough. she's rotten. she's ruined my self-esteem, my ability to feel normally. she left me with no opportunity to be myself when im sad or just not in a good mood. i always give everything i have, i waste all my energy on her and its never enough. and she gives me almost nothing, really.
we have a huge sex problem (i.e. she almost never has sex with me and sits in another room and pleasures herself during our "fights")
she claims she loves me (so much), that im beautiful, that im funny. and it never shows.
my first suicide "attempt" (i tried to fall from the public balcony on 18th floor, not sure if it counts) after i arranged her a date, paid for it. that was the moment i realized that she never did anything for me. we've been dating for 6 months. then we had our first relationship crisis and she started trying to change.
i started cutting myself. i gained a lot of weight. i cant even think of myself as feminine or a female now (and i really want to). i think the society sees me as just an awkward quiet big gal who always skips classes and is boring. i feel terrible in general and i feel terrible about myself. i've tried to lose weight multiple times during our relationship (i've tried since i was 12, actually. i have an ed) and it never works.
i see no point in trying to change how i look now since when i was much smaller, more likable, open, prettier and so on… i was treated by her like the worst person in the world. no matter how i look i'll be treated horribly with her. no matter how much i try it will never be enough.
she has ruined my opportunity to feel good when she's not nice to me. and she's only nice to me when i do everything right and we get to finally hang out in the evening (just a little). she wastes her whole day doing nothing (we also live in MY apartment) and then at 11 pm she finally comes to see me. i stay up till 3 am to spend time with her and then (if im lucky) wake up at 8 am and go to classes. she does nothing to be with me. in all senses.
i feel gross. i feel disgusting. and i cant do anything about it. i can't get myself to change because of the reason i mentioned earlier. i cant break up with her because 1. i love her. 2. if i fail at love, if i fail with the person i've devoted my best years to… i'm just gonna use SN and bye bye
i've helped and still help her so much in her changing process. i am her girlfriend, but i'm also her mother, therapist, mentor, cheerleader, prey, punching bag and a bestie.
i dont know what im waiting for. a miracle? i should have jumped from that balcony 2 years ago. actually it's 2 years and 6 days now.
when i entered a very good university and met my new girlfriend i was 17. we've been dating for 2,5 years now. she's a vulnerable narcissist and a very neglecting partner. from the start she almost never gave me compliments, gifts, anything. she was (and still is) very abusive, subconsciously manipulative, toxic. she takes up all the space, there's no room for me or how i feel. and she banned every possible emotion i can have. me feeling sad = me being a pussy. me feeling mad = me being a crazy psycho. she's always jealous and i dont give her any reason to be. she can't express her emotions normally and can't react to mine in a non toxic way.
she's been trying to change (if you can call journaling and watching videos on youtube trying), but its not enough. she's rotten. she's ruined my self-esteem, my ability to feel normally. she left me with no opportunity to be myself when im sad or just not in a good mood. i always give everything i have, i waste all my energy on her and its never enough. and she gives me almost nothing, really.
we have a huge sex problem (i.e. she almost never has sex with me and sits in another room and pleasures herself during our "fights")
she claims she loves me (so much), that im beautiful, that im funny. and it never shows.
my first suicide "attempt" (i tried to fall from the public balcony on 18th floor, not sure if it counts) after i arranged her a date, paid for it. that was the moment i realized that she never did anything for me. we've been dating for 6 months. then we had our first relationship crisis and she started trying to change.
i started cutting myself. i gained a lot of weight. i cant even think of myself as feminine or a female now (and i really want to). i think the society sees me as just an awkward quiet big gal who always skips classes and is boring. i feel terrible in general and i feel terrible about myself. i've tried to lose weight multiple times during our relationship (i've tried since i was 12, actually. i have an ed) and it never works.
i see no point in trying to change how i look now since when i was much smaller, more likable, open, prettier and so on… i was treated by her like the worst person in the world. no matter how i look i'll be treated horribly with her. no matter how much i try it will never be enough.
she has ruined my opportunity to feel good when she's not nice to me. and she's only nice to me when i do everything right and we get to finally hang out in the evening (just a little). she wastes her whole day doing nothing (we also live in MY apartment) and then at 11 pm she finally comes to see me. i stay up till 3 am to spend time with her and then (if im lucky) wake up at 8 am and go to classes. she does nothing to be with me. in all senses.
i feel gross. i feel disgusting. and i cant do anything about it. i can't get myself to change because of the reason i mentioned earlier. i cant break up with her because 1. i love her. 2. if i fail at love, if i fail with the person i've devoted my best years to… i'm just gonna use SN and bye bye
i've helped and still help her so much in her changing process. i am her girlfriend, but i'm also her mother, therapist, mentor, cheerleader, prey, punching bag and a bestie.
i dont know what im waiting for. a miracle? i should have jumped from that balcony 2 years ago. actually it's 2 years and 6 days now.
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