I’ve made my mind up, CTB tonight..

[colour_me_dead]

Hey,

I've been on this site for a long time but this is the first time I've posted in a while. I haven't got the energy to go into any details but what I will say is I can't take it anymore, I feel trapped and there's no way out, I can't cope with my living situation anymore, I'm just a failure and I hate life. I've made up my mind I'm going to ctb tonight. I'm just not sure what method now. It has to work 100%! I've tried 2 ligatures at once 4 weeks ago that didn't work, I started to hang myself 2 weeks ago but I couldn't find the courage to push the chair away as I was so scared if I got the height wrong that I would end up paralysed or something. I don't have or know how to get any of this 'N' you guys talk about. Too late to buy helium now. Don't have access to much other than trying to hang myself somewhere in my town or stabbing my arteries or something. I don't know what method to do. I can't remember the rules on this site these days so if I've said something wrong or too much please edit this and I apologise. I feel calm and sure but also a bit out of it. Idk what people are allowed to reply with. I have suffered with my mental health for 22 years, been through a lot of trauma, my life is a disaster and I've reached my limit. The abuse I'm currently suffering has pushed me over the edge. Pun unintended.
There are some cliffs near me but they're only like 30-35m high and at an angle. Idk if that would kill me. Only like what 100ft ish.

Any help or advice or anything. I'll probably end up going to a cliff top, taking a good amount of my meds and vodka, try stabbing and slashing my main arteries, and then roll myself or jump off the cliff.

So this is sort of a question/discussion/good bye post not that anyone even knows me here.

Thanks in advance.
CMD

 

[DrownFeather]

Hey, you didn't say something wrong, it's not your fault being suicidal, life is hard to live anyway, and sorry that life beaten you like that, it made me crazy too, well hanging should not be painful neither jumping, 30 meter should be enough but depends on what you will fall into , if rocks ? Then you die instantly if the head hit ground first if no rocks like sand, grass it's questionable might get serious injury but live, and hanging can be fearful but don't have to be painful it's fatal if full suspension with no around and rope don't get cut, but it need to be placed on carotid artery to pass out fast, or you might hang there suffocating for mins, did you try get sn?

 

[colour_me_dead]

Hey, you didn't say something wrong, it's not your fault being suicidal, life is hard to live anyway, and sorry that life beaten you like that, it made me crazy too, well hanging should not be painful neither jumping, 30 meter should be enough but depends on what you will fall into , if rocks ? Then you die instantly if the head hit ground first if no rocks like sand, grass it's questionable might get serious injury but live, and hanging can be fearful but don't have to be painful it's fatal if full suspension with no around and rope don't get cut, but it need to be placed on carotid artery to pass out fast, or you might hang there suffocating for mins, did you try get sn?

Thanks drownfeather for your reply. Yeah exactly..
with hanging myself it's trying to find somewhere to do it. It's cold and dark out and I don't know where to go. There's nothing in my room to do full suspension hanging off. I've tried partial suspension several times before and it didn't work. No chance of me being found as I'm stuck in my bedroom when at home and I have a lock.
I've tried slashing my wrists in a hot bath before and even though I did it v deep I didn't die. Obvs. I've tried lots of different methods. The ligature where you use a tourniquet. That didn't work. Nothing I've tried has worked but I just want my life to be over now I'll try anything if it will work. I live by the sea so the other option is just walk in the sea with something heavy and drown myself. Or what I said in my original post. I don't even know what N or SN stands for and I wouldn't have a clue where to buy it from!
Yeah you're right about the cliff. It will be high enough if I land on my head.
I'll leave soon.
I'll say bye on here before I do it. And then if nobody hears back from me after that then it worked and I'm dead. If it fails or I don't go through with it or something I will come back and comment.
Thank you x

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry about your pain and suffering. You can find the peaceful pill handbook on the sticky thread on the suicide forum. Here - https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pph-nov-2021.80506/. There are a lot of methods described there, most lot easier and peaceful than jumping off a cliff. You can also find out what SN and N are.

 

[Red Scare]

Is there any chance of being able to move out in the near future, perhaps getting a not too stressful job, and rent a room somewhere or a small studio apartment?

It's a shame to learn that someone so young is ready to end their life over what seems like a temporary problem. I know it can be hard to live with mental illness though. Do you think you would still want to ctb if you were able to get out of your current living situation?

 

[DrownFeather]

Thanks drownfeather for your reply. Yeah exactly..
with hanging myself it's trying to find somewhere to do it. It's cold and dark out and I don't know where to go. There's nothing in my room to do full suspension hanging off. I've tried partial suspension several times before and it didn't work. No chance of me being found as I'm stuck in my bedroom when at home and I have a lock.
I've tried slashing my wrists in a hot bath before and even though I did it v deep I didn't die. Obvs. I've tried lots of different methods. The ligature where you use a tourniquet. That didn't work. Nothing I've tried has worked but I just want my life to be over now I'll try anything if it will work. I live by the sea so the other option is just walk in the sea with something heavy and drown myself. Or what I said in my original post. I don't even know what N or SN stands for and I wouldn't have a clue where to buy it from!
Yeah you're right about the cliff. It will be high enough if I land on my head.
I'll leave soon.
I'll say bye on here before I do it. And then if nobody hears back from me after that then it worked and I'm dead. If it fails or I don't go through with it or something I will come back and comment.
Thank you x

Wish you peace, drowning in sea might be painful like feeling lung burn because of salty water i mean every method is painful right

 

[lostmylove]

The cliff will work. I think it's the right height. Being drunk may get rid of any last minute jitters. I'm not honestly sure it will be fully painless though and be sure to check that the surface on ground is like before jumping, especially if it's going to be dark. Maybe even google if someone died before off same cliffs in area.

Of course if you feel like this isn't the best option for you, it's okay to back out even if you feel like this is right time, if the method to do it isn't right, it's better to reconsider rather than fail.

 

[colour_me_dead]

Sorry about your pain and suffering. You can find the peaceful pill handbook on the sticky thread on the suicide forum. Here - https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pph-nov-2021.80506/. There are a lot of methods described there, most lot easier and peaceful than jumping off a cliff. You can also find out what SN and N are.

I've read that already actually but thank you! Maybe I'll have another look as I can't remember SN and N info. Thanks x

The cliff will work. I think it's the right height. Being drunk may get rid of any last minute jitters. I'm not honestly sure it will be fully painless though and be sure to check that the surface on ground is like before jumping, especially if it's going to be dark. Maybe even google if someone died before off same cliffs in area.

Of course if you feel like this isn't the best option for you, it's okay to back out even if you feel like this is right time, if the method to do it isn't right, it's better to reconsider rather than fail.

I don't mind if it's painful. I just need it to work. Yeah agreed. Thank you x

Is there any chance of being able to move out in the near future, perhaps getting a not too stressful job, and rent a room somewhere or a small studio apartment?

It's a shame to learn that someone so young is ready to end their life over what seems like a temporary problem. I know it can be hard to live with mental illness though. Do you think you would still want to ctb if you were able to get out of your current living situation?

Yes but I can't find anywhere to move to. It's a complex situation and I'm left with no options. I'm not young. I'm 33. Almost 34 but been struggling for 22 years. The butternut abuse has just beat me down and made my mental health deteriorate. Im ready though. I've made my decision. Im too tired to go out right now though I'm not sure. I feel sure but maybe I am unsure. No I def do want to die. I'll have a think. I have the whole night to do it x

 

[houseofleaves]

I can't find anywhere to move to. It's a complex situation and I'm left with no options. I'm not young. I'm 33. Almost 34 but been struggling for 22 years. The butternut abuse has just beat me down and made my mental health deteriorate.

I'm so sorry life turned out for you to be this way. I hope you find peace…

 

[Red Scare]

Yes but I can't find anywhere to move to. It's a complex situation and I'm left with no options. I'm not young. I'm 33. Almost 34 but been struggling for 22 years. The butternut abuse has just beat me down and made my mental health deteriorate. Im ready though. I've made my decision. Im too tired to go out right now though I'm not sure. I feel sure but maybe I am unsure. No I def do want to die. I'll have a think. I have the whole night to do it x

I apologize for making that assumption, when you said 22 years I just assumed... again, I'm sorry.

I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. It must be so unbearable what you are going through. I hope you find relief from pain in whatever happens.

 

[colour_me_dead]

I'm still here. Long story. I didn't have my phone on me either until yesterday and I was so tired. So unfortunately I'm still alive, I'll post soon. Thank you for all your replies and understanding and wishing me well. Hopefully it won't be long now xxx