I'm gonna ctb soon. My SI is non existent. My note to all my loved one is ready. It's just now about completing the act and leaving this plane.
Recently I've read a lot of posts here, and I feel that we're all stuck by something that has brought us here. I'll get to that shortly.
But I was thinking about life, my life to be more precise. I grew up with amazing parents, they bought me everything I wanted from designer clothes to computers to phones. The best parents a son could ever ask for. I was quite a religious child too, I still am in many ways. I'll make peace with God myself.
I've had an interesting life. I'm only 24, yet I'm married. I had a high end sports car at 20. I've been to some countries around the world, Morocco, Sweden. Got to see more of the outside world and the different cultures. Ate from the best restaurants. Took a lot of substances.
Sadly, I was mired at the same time with debilitating mental illnesses. They first became a problem in my life when I was 16. Weed is what started this. I wish I never smoked it, maybe I'd never have broke out the matrix. From there I developed insomnia, anxiety, depression, ocd. For the most part I dealt with this internally, I watched videos, taught myself therapy, took medication, and put this behind me a lot.
Then last month, I developed insomnia again, ocd again, anxiety again. I'm done with this now. Since last month I've been contemplating suicide, everyday my SI going more and more down. I'm at a point where I'm just now waiting for my partial suspension to work. I'm close, I've passed out, my ligature is decent, it works better than my first. I'm sad to leave my family, but I'm also content with my life. I'm happy to where my life has come to. I've done so much.
The way I see it, I watched the movie Titanic as a child, and the end scene used to equally resonate with me and make me sad. I never knew why. I rewatched it again recently, and now I know why. When Rose passes at the end, she greets all the passengers of the Titanic who sadly passed away. But you see everybody is the same age, everybody is in the same clothes they passed away in. That to me is beautiful. Death isn't sad. I'll be waiting for my family just like the passengers of the Titanic waited for Rose. Better yet, I'll still always be 24…
Recently I've read a lot of posts here, and I feel that we're all stuck by something that has brought us here. I'll get to that shortly.
But I was thinking about life, my life to be more precise. I grew up with amazing parents, they bought me everything I wanted from designer clothes to computers to phones. The best parents a son could ever ask for. I was quite a religious child too, I still am in many ways. I'll make peace with God myself.
I've had an interesting life. I'm only 24, yet I'm married. I had a high end sports car at 20. I've been to some countries around the world, Morocco, Sweden. Got to see more of the outside world and the different cultures. Ate from the best restaurants. Took a lot of substances.
Sadly, I was mired at the same time with debilitating mental illnesses. They first became a problem in my life when I was 16. Weed is what started this. I wish I never smoked it, maybe I'd never have broke out the matrix. From there I developed insomnia, anxiety, depression, ocd. For the most part I dealt with this internally, I watched videos, taught myself therapy, took medication, and put this behind me a lot.
Then last month, I developed insomnia again, ocd again, anxiety again. I'm done with this now. Since last month I've been contemplating suicide, everyday my SI going more and more down. I'm at a point where I'm just now waiting for my partial suspension to work. I'm close, I've passed out, my ligature is decent, it works better than my first. I'm sad to leave my family, but I'm also content with my life. I'm happy to where my life has come to. I've done so much.
The way I see it, I watched the movie Titanic as a child, and the end scene used to equally resonate with me and make me sad. I never knew why. I rewatched it again recently, and now I know why. When Rose passes at the end, she greets all the passengers of the Titanic who sadly passed away. But you see everybody is the same age, everybody is in the same clothes they passed away in. That to me is beautiful. Death isn't sad. I'll be waiting for my family just like the passengers of the Titanic waited for Rose. Better yet, I'll still always be 24…
