Venting I've felt completely empty since my breakup.

[sla_porra22]

I've felt a deep emptiness ever since my relationship ended. I can no longer find joy in things, I haven't eaten properly since that day, and for an entire week I vomited every time I ate something. I haven't been able to sleep either. I ruined everything with the person I loved most and still love. I wish things could go back to the way they were before. I wish I could go back in time and do everything differently. I don't think there's been a single day since our breakup that I haven't cried, and I'm someone who has a lot of difficulty crying. And with each passing day, things get worse. I'll probably be going to CTB soon. I intend to do this using sodium nitrite; I'm not yet sure when and how I will buy it. I've seen many online stores selling it seemingly without restrictions, but I'm not very confident. Sometimes all I want to do is cut a hole in my chest and rip my heart out with my bare hands. No matter how much time passes, I will never forgive myself for losing her. She also says she wants me to be happy, to find someone who makes me happy. But I don't want anyone else. I promised her and myself countless times that I would be hers. Only hers and no one else's. Even if she doesn't want me anymore, I will never break my promise. I will die knowing that she will be the most incredible, special, and important person I have ever known. I confess that I can't help but see her in absolutely everything I do. I constantly want to text her, I want to talk to her. I miss her so much. I don't see any way to be happy after this. I swear I can't take it anymore. It hurts too much. I feel like a monster, I feel unhappy without her, I feel like an idiot. She's the love of my life. I had happiness in my hands and I let it slip away. I can't stand trying to pretend I'm okay for people anymore and failing miserably. Nothing makes me feel alive. I think I've never been this mentally unwell in my entire life. I wish I could apologize to her, I already did, but it's not enough. I wish there was some way to show it through actions, and I don't even know how. I want to make her happy. I wanted to fulfill all the plans we had together. I hate myself so much for all of this. The only feelings I've had since that day are guilt and sadness. Nothing else. I still can't believe it happened. I love her so much

 

[Nightingale93]

Oh man, my heart breaks reading this. To be this openly emotionally and be able to love a woman this much is truly a rare gift.
I can't imagine to know what you're going through, but I truly hope you recover from this or find the peace that you are looking for.

 

[TheBag]

Can you perhaps (only if you want to) explain a little bit to us what went wrong? So we can understand the reasons for the breakup a little better?

 

[sla_porra22]

Can you perhaps (only if you want to) explain a little bit to us what went wrong? So we can understand the reasons for the breakup a little better?

I let myself be carried away by idiotic neuroses at an extremely sensitive time for her and said things that ruined everything between us.But to be perfectly honest, I don't have the courage to go into detail about it because I feel like a monster, a complete idiot. I did post about when we broke up, but again, without going into too much detail

Here's the link https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-day-after-day-i-feel-worse-and-worse.232105/

 

[sla_porra22]

Oh man, my heart breaks reading this. To be this openly emotionally and be able to love a woman this much is truly a rare gift.
I can't imagine to know what you're going through, but I truly hope you recover from this or find the peace that you are looking for.

What hurts the most is knowing that all of this could have been avoided if I hadn't been such an idiot

 

[TheBag]

@ sla_porra22

Just read up on the previous post you are referring to.

I know from personal experience (I messed up many relationships with my narcissism) that guilt over a breakup can be very hard to deal with. That being said, events/fights like this don't occur in a vacuum. It's always a result of different views, (hurt) feelings, and the communication from the moment. I am sure your motive was not to solely hurt her. I'm sure you also reacted to something that seriously bothered or hurt you.
Beating yourself up over that may feel justified for some time. But eventually you should let it go (at least partially). Learn what you can learn from it by being completely honest with yourself, and try to accept that this is how things went.

I can very well relate to the "I still love you, but it's over" thing. This is exactly what happened to me, eventually. Initially, I used to be the one to break up relationships. But, not before telling them repeatedly what they were lacking physically and mentally. I didn't shy away from giving them the exact (physical) details that were "not OK" for me. Man, I had such a nerve back then (based on my blown-up ego). After a while, I came to my senses, and the missing and the loneliness started to kick in. At which point I wanted to have them back. Then came the "I don't hate you, in fact, I still have feelings for you, but we really cannot get back together ever again". And it was very obvious that they meant it! At which point I started be the one feeling dumped :-(. At that point, I had to deal with serious regrets, and my ego took a very heavy blow.

This pattern has haunted me for well over 40 years. Until I met my current partner. Somehow it's different. Most likely because my inflated ego has deflated somewhat over the years ;-), but I have definitely also learned my lessons. And then of course, there's age. When you get older, you find that you are definitely not as impressive as you always thought you were. Demands towards others are less strict, more flexible, but also different. Things that used to f**k you up quite easily now feel slightly less urgent, which makes it possible to manage your behavior just in time ;-).

Anyway, I really feel for you. I completely know what you're going through. And I hope you will reach a 'somewhat acceptable' state of mind not within too long and find a way to carry on with your life. All the best to you!