collidedsigns
Scholar of despair and anguish
- Nov 22, 2025
- 10
I first truly started suffering with depression age 11. I remember coming home from school every day, going to my room and crying. It lasted for over 6 months. Same protocol every day. Since then the depression always comes back. I was SA'd by a close family member at 8 and I knew I felt gross when it was happening but I never knew until I was older how fucked up it actually was. I've struggled so badly ever since.
I grew up in a household where emotions were not talked about. My Mother saw any bad emotion in her children as a sign that she was a bad mother sending her into fits of rage belittling me about how it's my fault people think she's a crappy person. For that reason I never told her anything. I remember when she first found out I was SH'ing. She just shouted at me because how dare I make people think shes not a good mother. How dare I feel any other emotion than happiness. Bearing in mind I got my first job at 14 to help keep the hot water on and food on the table. She has never worked a day in her life. My Father was classified as my mothers full time career however he prioritized fighting people online with different political views to him and playing video games over supporting my mother. So most responsibilities were pushed onto me. Since I was the only child in the family who could be bothered to try keep everyone else afloat. Obedient and fawn every single day. I'd make any excuse possible to get out of that hell hole of a house.
At 17 I'd gotten to a point in therapy where I couldn't hide my SA anymore from my parents so I told them. They chose my abuser over me which left me homeless during my A-levels (exams needed to get into university here in the UK). At this time I had very few friends and little support. I will never forgive my parents for this. Nothing anyone can say will ever erase the neglect, abandonment and rage I felt. After spending my entire life trying to help the shit show of a relationship my parents had and the abomination of a financial situation they were in they still picked a child SA over me. I still had a year left at School and moved to 6 different homelessness charity housing situations in that year.
I did eventually get into University and I really thought this was going to be my new beginning. New friends, new city. What a lie that was. I did make friends initially however after a mental health crisis they labeled me as a monster and never spoke to me again. Now my only friend lives in a completely different part of the country. I spend most of my days isolated in my studio apartment with my cat. In the past two years I have been put on many medications for my mental health and I've been admitted to a psych ward three times yet no amount of medication I take stops the tiniest of things triggering my Borderline Personality disorder. No amount of Diazepam stops the flashbacks of c-ptsd. and no amount of anti-depressants controls my recurrent depressive disorder. I've attempted in the past but since I'm writing this It's all failed. I also struggle with chronic pain and fautiuge however due to my mental health medication the pain management team won't give me painkillers meaning everyday tasks like showering or cleaning compleatly wipes me out. I am losing my independace more and more as my physical illness gets worse and worse. It's awful to deal with.
I got into a good habit of reaching out to mental health services when im struggling however they don't care until you become another statistic. I'm sick and tired of being told to do colouring, watch movies or play games to distract myself. I'm tired of people patronising me saying "you have so much to live for," like what? Working my arse off to get a stupid piece of paper that doesn't even garuntee me a job. Then when I do get a job I'm just filling the pockets of the rich to barley scrape by in an econamy where rent costs more than my student loans. I have university assignments I can't even be bothered to touch. I am so depressed I don't even care if I fail university at this point. I want out. This life has only taught me the universe will break you down until you physically cannot recover. I've decided death is the best course of action and being 20 I think that decision should be mine alone. I don't want people telling me thats not the right choice because whether it is or not doesn't matter I've already made up my mind.
I'm dedicating the rest of my time to trying to find other methods out of here. SN is a ball ache to source in the UK. I've scrolled this forum for hours trying to get advice for it but no luck so far. I've also been trying parcial suspention but my teribble gag relex isn't helping. I'll keep reserching thats all I have left.
I grew up in a household where emotions were not talked about. My Mother saw any bad emotion in her children as a sign that she was a bad mother sending her into fits of rage belittling me about how it's my fault people think she's a crappy person. For that reason I never told her anything. I remember when she first found out I was SH'ing. She just shouted at me because how dare I make people think shes not a good mother. How dare I feel any other emotion than happiness. Bearing in mind I got my first job at 14 to help keep the hot water on and food on the table. She has never worked a day in her life. My Father was classified as my mothers full time career however he prioritized fighting people online with different political views to him and playing video games over supporting my mother. So most responsibilities were pushed onto me. Since I was the only child in the family who could be bothered to try keep everyone else afloat. Obedient and fawn every single day. I'd make any excuse possible to get out of that hell hole of a house.
At 17 I'd gotten to a point in therapy where I couldn't hide my SA anymore from my parents so I told them. They chose my abuser over me which left me homeless during my A-levels (exams needed to get into university here in the UK). At this time I had very few friends and little support. I will never forgive my parents for this. Nothing anyone can say will ever erase the neglect, abandonment and rage I felt. After spending my entire life trying to help the shit show of a relationship my parents had and the abomination of a financial situation they were in they still picked a child SA over me. I still had a year left at School and moved to 6 different homelessness charity housing situations in that year.
I did eventually get into University and I really thought this was going to be my new beginning. New friends, new city. What a lie that was. I did make friends initially however after a mental health crisis they labeled me as a monster and never spoke to me again. Now my only friend lives in a completely different part of the country. I spend most of my days isolated in my studio apartment with my cat. In the past two years I have been put on many medications for my mental health and I've been admitted to a psych ward three times yet no amount of medication I take stops the tiniest of things triggering my Borderline Personality disorder. No amount of Diazepam stops the flashbacks of c-ptsd. and no amount of anti-depressants controls my recurrent depressive disorder. I've attempted in the past but since I'm writing this It's all failed. I also struggle with chronic pain and fautiuge however due to my mental health medication the pain management team won't give me painkillers meaning everyday tasks like showering or cleaning compleatly wipes me out. I am losing my independace more and more as my physical illness gets worse and worse. It's awful to deal with.
I got into a good habit of reaching out to mental health services when im struggling however they don't care until you become another statistic. I'm sick and tired of being told to do colouring, watch movies or play games to distract myself. I'm tired of people patronising me saying "you have so much to live for," like what? Working my arse off to get a stupid piece of paper that doesn't even garuntee me a job. Then when I do get a job I'm just filling the pockets of the rich to barley scrape by in an econamy where rent costs more than my student loans. I have university assignments I can't even be bothered to touch. I am so depressed I don't even care if I fail university at this point. I want out. This life has only taught me the universe will break you down until you physically cannot recover. I've decided death is the best course of action and being 20 I think that decision should be mine alone. I don't want people telling me thats not the right choice because whether it is or not doesn't matter I've already made up my mind.
I'm dedicating the rest of my time to trying to find other methods out of here. SN is a ball ache to source in the UK. I've scrolled this forum for hours trying to get advice for it but no luck so far. I've also been trying parcial suspention but my teribble gag relex isn't helping. I'll keep reserching thats all I have left.
