I can still remember what life was like prior, but more and more it seems like watching a film or something.
I saw a few therapists early on, the only one that helped in any way moved on to a better paying government gig for people who supposedly needed it more. Didn't admit it to the therapist because I knew I'd get thrown in the nuthouse.
Then I tried in rapid succession to CTB with hydrogen sulphide mixed in a bucket from hydrochloric acid and calcium polysulphate - one of the old "Detergent Suicide" mixtures - thanks, Usenet, then an attempt with CO after trying to calculate the amount I'd need to die while allowing it to dissipate quickly enough to not hurt the people who were likely to find me. Instead, I acquired a permanent, almost complete nose-blindness to sulphur and a few days of trying to pretend I had a bad flu while being bright red all over and hardly able to think. I have to assume my family just wanted to remain ignorant, because no human being looks that way unless they've spent a week naked in the summer sun or have very nearly died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
I've helped friends through ODs, spent days talking them down, listened to one in particular bleat on for hours about how I couldn't possibly understand how he felt. I suppose subconsciously they contact me in these cases because at some level they know I'm damaged in the same manner. Even family and friends from childhood don't seem to remember that I used to be a different person, or they don't want to. I've never said anything to any of them, because I know they can't help.
Sometimes, particularly at work, I'm asked how I can be so stable. I suppose it's easier when nothing I do moves the needle. I chuckle as a nervous habit, apparently this doesn't make me seem like a lunatic but rather sanguine. People come in looking miserable and I move heaven and earth to cheer them up, I don't want anyone to feel the way I do. I've never discussed my own issues with any of them.
I don't know at what point it started to feel normal, but it sure does now. I go through life wondering how many people around me are hollowed out like I am, appearing externally to be a little odd but generally kind, competent and content.
Alllllll this to ask: Who else has never breathed a word about this in meatspace?
I saw a few therapists early on, the only one that helped in any way moved on to a better paying government gig for people who supposedly needed it more. Didn't admit it to the therapist because I knew I'd get thrown in the nuthouse.
Then I tried in rapid succession to CTB with hydrogen sulphide mixed in a bucket from hydrochloric acid and calcium polysulphate - one of the old "Detergent Suicide" mixtures - thanks, Usenet, then an attempt with CO after trying to calculate the amount I'd need to die while allowing it to dissipate quickly enough to not hurt the people who were likely to find me. Instead, I acquired a permanent, almost complete nose-blindness to sulphur and a few days of trying to pretend I had a bad flu while being bright red all over and hardly able to think. I have to assume my family just wanted to remain ignorant, because no human being looks that way unless they've spent a week naked in the summer sun or have very nearly died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
I've helped friends through ODs, spent days talking them down, listened to one in particular bleat on for hours about how I couldn't possibly understand how he felt. I suppose subconsciously they contact me in these cases because at some level they know I'm damaged in the same manner. Even family and friends from childhood don't seem to remember that I used to be a different person, or they don't want to. I've never said anything to any of them, because I know they can't help.
Sometimes, particularly at work, I'm asked how I can be so stable. I suppose it's easier when nothing I do moves the needle. I chuckle as a nervous habit, apparently this doesn't make me seem like a lunatic but rather sanguine. People come in looking miserable and I move heaven and earth to cheer them up, I don't want anyone to feel the way I do. I've never discussed my own issues with any of them.
I don't know at what point it started to feel normal, but it sure does now. I go through life wondering how many people around me are hollowed out like I am, appearing externally to be a little odd but generally kind, competent and content.
Alllllll this to ask: Who else has never breathed a word about this in meatspace?
