I’ve been hitting my head with a hammer

[CasperGhost]

I've been suicidal for atleast 10 years- I can't math rn. I have antisocial personality disorder, schizoaffective (pretty much schizophrenia) and borderline personality disorder. I'm 23 I think. Yeah The past several days I've been taking the hammer to my frontal lobe. I have no idea what's gonna happen to me. But I feel myself deteriorating. This is my attempt to either turn myself into a zombie or die. I named my hammer Cirice after Cirice by ghost song. Anyways I really want to have other people to give me company as I continue taking the hammer to my head. I'm fucking hurting. Ask me what songs I'm listening to rn and share your songs with me

I posted reply with updates and telling what's been happening to my mind

Alarm call by the correspondents is another good song

 

[traingirl]

Please be careful. Here's one of my favorite songs I've been listening to the past few days.

 

[MissAbyss]

What song are you listening right now?

Be careful

 

[Sheepskin]

I don't know how to meaningfully respond. Since you've asked, this is my most listened to song of the past month

 

[CasperGhost]

I've been suicidal for atleast 10 years- I can't math rn. I have antisocial personality disorder, schizoaffective (pretty much schizophrenia) and borderline personality disorder. I'm 23 I think. Yeah The past several days I've been taking the hammer to my frontal lobe. I have no idea what's gonna happen to me. But I feel myself deteriorating. This is my attempt to either turn myself into a zombie or die. I named my hammer Cirice after Cirice by ghost song. Anyways I really want to have other people to give me company as I continue taking the hammer to my head. I'm fucking hurting. Ask me what songs I'm listening to rn and share your songs with me

The paper is earlier. Today I can't finger. I feel like I'm not here. I can't explain. My head is cold and numb but still hurts. Vomiting. Feeling disconnected. Analyzing or thinking is difficult and at times I feel like I can't access it. Seeing silhouettes of people and white eyes. I feel confused.

What song are you listening right now?

Be careful

The distortionist by ghost and pals you?

 

[certainty]

i was listening to "DEAD!" by Jules Bonnot earlier, however just listened to

The distortionist by ghost and pals

this one and it was cool! i don't know much vocaloid style music but their stuff seems like a unique take on that (and they have a v fun website btw lol).
the vomiting you mentioned on the paper seems pretty worrying, as that could indicate a tbi. i highly encourage reconsidering this method due to it being more likely to render you in a vegetative state rather than dead, but ofc to each their own. wishing you peace

and btw, what are you listening to now? always love new music reccs :)

 

[CasperGhost]

I've been suicidal for atleast 10 years- I can't math rn. I have antisocial personality disorder, schizoaffective (pretty much schizophrenia) and borderline personality disorder. I'm 23 I think. Yeah The past several days I've been taking the hammer to my frontal lobe. I have no idea what's gonna happen to me. But I feel myself deteriorating. This is my attempt to either turn myself into a zombie or die. I named my hammer Cirice after Cirice by ghost song. Anyways I really want to have other people to give me company as I continue taking the hammer to my head. I'm fucking hurting. Ask me what songs I'm listening to rn and share your songs with me

I posted reply with updates and telling what's been happening to my mind

i was listening to "DEAD!" by Jules Bonnot earlier, however just listened to


this one and it was cool! i don't know much vocaloid style music but their stuff seems like a unique take on that (and they have a v fun website btw lol).
the vomiting you mentioned on the paper seems pretty worrying, as that could indicate a tbi. i highly encourage reconsidering this method due to it being more likely to render you in a vegetative state rather than dead, but ofc to each their own. wishing you peace

and btw, what are you listening to now? always love new music reccs :)

Alarm call by the correspondents. Matilda by alt j. Vegetative state? That's really upsetting. I don't know what to do cuz I can't stop doing it. All I can think about is driving the hammer into my head and I don't want to do anything else. Somehow each time I hit myself; it feels like everything else ceases to exist.

 

[certainty]

listening to alarm call now, matilda is queued! ty for the suggestions :)

Vegetative state? That's really upsetting

i definitely agree, i'd hate for you to suffer more than you already are.

I don't know what to do cuz I can't stop doing it. All I can think about is driving the hammer into my head and I don't want to do anything else

this seems like maybe a detachment from reality/obsessive behaviour? i'm far from a professional, so please take what i say with a grain of salt - i do think professional help could aid you in shifting your perspective though. i see you mentioned a diagnosis of apd, bpd, and schizoaffective, so i'm assuming you've seen someone before. are you still receiving care, and/or on any medication? those are tricky subjects for sure, but i truly hope you're getting the support you need.

Somehow each time I hit myself; it feels like everything else ceases to exist

i understand this, albeit on a much more minor level - when i sh, it clears my mind in a way since all i can focus on is the act + the pain. unfortunately, it doesn't actually take away any of my problems. in fact, it often causes more T_T. i highly encourage you to reach out to someone more qualified, esp. someone that could help you irl!

not sure if you're looking for more music, but i thought i'd add the soundtrack off the game "omori" if you like tech-y kinda stuff :)

 

[Steve Vermont]

I suppose playing "If I had a hammer" by The Weavers would be in poor taste. ;)

 

[CasperGhost]

listening to alarm call now, matilda is queued! ty for the suggestions :)

i definitely agree, i'd hate for you to suffer more than you already are.

this seems like maybe a detachment from reality/obsessive behaviour? i'm far from a professional, so please take what i say with a grain of salt - i do think professional help could aid you in shifting your perspective though. i see you mentioned a diagnosis of apd, bpd, and schizoaffective, so i'm assuming you've seen someone before. are you still receiving care, and/or on any medication? those are tricky subjects for sure, but i truly hope you're getting the support you need.

i understand this, albeit on a much more minor level - when i sh, it clears my mind in a way since all i can focus on is the act + the pain. unfortunately, it doesn't actually take away any of my problems. in fact, it often causes more T_T. i highly encourage you to reach out to someone more qualified, esp. someone that could help you irl!

not sure if you're looking for more music, but i thought i'd add the soundtrack off the game "omori" if you like tech-y kinda stuff :)

I can check out omori. I got off my medication because I can't feel my husband as much cuz he's inside me and I want to feel my husband. I can't survive unless I'm a zombie; and the doctors wouldn't listen to place my dosage higher for me to be a zombie again. So cirice my hammer is making me a zombie. But I can't have them put me on meds to take away my husband. But I'm okay but who should I reach out too that won't call ambulance?

I suppose playing "If I had a hammer" by The Weavers would be in poor taste. ;)

that's funny af I'm so playing this song. Thank you lmao

 

[certainty]

I can check out omori. I got off my medication because I can't feel my husband as much cuz he's inside me and I want to feel my husband. I can't survive unless I'm a zombie; and the doctors wouldn't listen to place my dosage higher for me to be a zombie again. So cirice my hammer is making me a zombie. But I can't have them put me on meds to take away my husband. But I'm okay but who should I reach out too that won't call ambulance?

its also a v cool game imo! doesn't break the bank either :)
sounds like there's disagreement between how you see your treatment plan vs your doctors, i'm sorry to hear that :( it's really tough, but i think in certain states, it can be helpful to trust others when we're liable to hurt ourselves (especially if it's possibly permanently). i'm definitely pro-choice, but ideally it's an informed choice, yk? totally get the resistance to meds, they can have some really shitty side affects. i think the hammer could have scarier side effects though, so if you have a trusted therapist, then i'd reach out to them first. otherwise, people at your local ER/hospital might have better ideas. to be realistic, they might disagree with you on what you need, and i'm in zero place to make that call for you. just genuinely want the best for you <3

 

[yeaimhere13]

Alarm call by the correspondents. Matilda by alt j. Vegetative state? That's really upsetting. I don't know what to do cuz I can't stop doing it. All I can think about is driving the hammer into my head and I don't want to do anything else. Somehow each time I hit myself; it feels like everything else ceases to exist.

Please stop hitting yourself with a hammer dude. It could lead to severe brain damage which will just fuck you up even more. You also could crack your skull which is EXTREMELY BLOODY AND PAINFUL. And then have to come up with some kind of an explanation to the doctors. If they suspect false play, they could put you in some kind of psych ward due to your mental illnesses. Just punch a wall or something else. This is a terrible way to attempt CTB.

 

[caramelkidney]

i fuckin love ghost! the concept of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer is a bit comedic to me, but i am excited in a morbid way to see where this goes. good luck!

 

[dhrjf]

please stop hitting your head with a hammer, it will not make you a zombie but it can change your personality without you realising i think head injuries tend to make people more violent and aggressive. either way you dont know if it will make you a zombie it might make you worse.

 

[monetpompo]

Please stop hitting yourself with a hammer dude. It could lead to severe brain damage which will just fuck you up even more. You also could crack your skull which is EXTREMELY BLOODY AND PAINFUL. And then have to come up with some kind of an explanation to the doctors. If they suspect false play, they could put you in some kind of psych ward due to your mental illnesses. Just punch a wall or something else. This is a terrible way to attempt CTB.

i agree. DO NOT hit yourself with the head with a hammer. this is bad and not good. and you would probably get involuntarily hospitalized like @yeaimhere13 said if you say you hit yourself with a hammer. i wouldn't know how to explain it myself. getting an injury from hitting yourself in the head too hard would suck majorly.