I've become stupid, and it's making me more suicidal

[unsaiddes]

I can honestly say that over the past few years I've devolved into a complete moron, and lately it's been making my suicidal urges much worse.

I'm failing at being an adult in every aspect, everything is so overwhelming and confusing and too difficult for me. I'm so miserable and numb that I've developed a major phone addiction and weed dependency. I swear it's like I can feel my brain cells dying and I'm just letting it happen.

I used to be a smart person. I won't go so far as to say I was particularly gifted, but I was a good student with potential. I graduated college, I could've done something worthwhile.

Sometimes it feels like I can barely understand what people are saying to me now. The thermostat in my apartment stopped working after I changed the batteries, so my family member in HVAC drove an hour to look at it for me. I put the new batteries in the wrong way.

I draft emails for work and have to reread everything I wrote and say it out loud multiple times before sending it. I forget everything nowadays. My parents have to help me renew my car registration and get an inspection sticker. My boyfriend has to help me do my taxes.

I have no desire to learn anymore. My skills in all my hobbies have deteriorated. I don't know if it's the weed, the antidepressants, the actual depression, or if I just want to be dead so badly my brain decided to shut down preemptively.

Being decently intelligent used to be one of the only things I had going for me, as an unattractive and unsociable person. Now I have no redeeming qualities.

All I want to do is cease to exist. I desperately wish I had killed myself when I still had the neurons to do it correctly.

I feel bad not contributing anything to this forum except for the occasional "woe is me" post but I'm not capable of much else.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I am experiencing the same. I've been making absent-minded mistakes left and right that eat away at me. Leaves me wondering if I'm even capable of being a responsible adult. I feel like if I was a parent, I would be the one that accidentally leaves my child in the car in the hot sun. Lots of stupid mistakes the leave me questioning my mental capacity. I think it has a lot to do with being bored with life. When you don't care anymore your brain doesn't get the chemical energy it needs to be sharp.

 

[secretariat]

i relate so much! feels like im getting dumber everyday and also feels like theres a rod stuck in my head. head just feels so heavy and the cogs are not running!!

 

[wCvML2]

Same, have been like this for the past several years and I don't think it's a coincidence that my brain started giving up completely simultaneously when my suicidal ideation was at its worst. I have a suspicion that when the brain is acutely suicidal, one of its survival mechanisms is to shut off its cognitive functions and become empty / slow to not allow it to kill itself.

 

[scottyy]

Same. I think it makes me a happy moron unfortunately. The dumber I am the more I'm able to be content. Which sucks and is scary. I have alot of shitty people in my life to thank for this.
My memory and word recall suck now.
I feel like the guy in flowers for algernon.
It also makes me want to ctb sooner. I had more potential than this and it sucks that I lost it.

 

[divinemistress36]

Depression really affects cognitive skills. I can't remember shit or most of my life

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

god, i relate to your feelings so much, OP. :(

it feels as though the more time passes the stupider i get. in my case it's because i've spent 16 years not having any physical tangible socialisation, not going to school and not learning anything. i'm surprised sometimes i got as far as i did in school considering i never learned division and was always in special ed and remedial classes.

it is a fact i've looked into that severe depression + mental illness + extreme isolation does make you... put in a nicer way, less smart.

i struggle with simple tasks and need to be told over and over again what to do and people get so fed up with teaching me that i just stop asking and never learn. i only recently learned how to do laundry. i know how to use a microwave. i vaguely understand the oven, but i can't use the stove i don't know how to cook and will probably never properly learn.

if i had to do job training, the person training would definitely get so fed up with my ineptitude that they'd go on social media and talk about what a stupid, useless person they just had to train was. and then go on to retweet things like "mental health matters <3" in the fake way they do these days.
sorry, that was a personal addendum. i think about that a lot, haha.

my memory has also gotten worse as well. i can remember so much from my childhood and things like a decade ago even. pretty perfectly. but ask me what i did yesterday and i couldn't answer you.

it's really tough.

at least when it's over and i've successfully ctb, nobody will have to deal with such stupidity anymore.

 

[xinino]

The thing is real morons don't think they are morons.

 

[JaJu]

Depression really affects cognitive skills. I can't remember shit or most of my life

Same here. It's as if all my memories have faded and disappeared. In some ways that's a good thing since there aren't that many good memories to remember, but at the same time it makes me wonder if I'm going to be diagnosed with dementia at an earlier age...

if i had to do job training, the person training would definitely get so fed up with my ineptitude that they'd go on social media and talk about what a stupid, useless person they just had to train was. and then go on to retweet things like "mental health matters <3" in the fake way they do these days.

That's exactly the way I feel about the person who trained me and my experienced coworkers who are still answering my many beginner questions.. I can sense their slight annoyance that I'm not getting it right away and that it's taking me longer to learn especially as someone older than them. Watch as our company, that actually celebrates mental health awareness month (next month), sends all kinds of supportive messages..

 

[divinemistress36]

Same here. It's as if all my memories have faded and disappeared. In some ways that's a good thing since there aren't that many good memories to remember, but at the same time it makes me wonder if I'm going to be diagnosed with dementia at an earlier age...

That's exactly the way I feel about the person who trained me and my experienced coworkers who are still answering my many beginner questions.. I can sense their slight annoyance that I'm not getting it right away and that it's taking me longer to learn especially as someone older than them. Watch as our company, that actually celebrates mental health awareness month (next month), send supportive messages to those enduring mental health struggles...

I'm amazed how people can recall memories from when they are like 5 years old

 

[LunarLight]

I don't know if it's the weed, the antidepressants, the actual depression

probably all at the same time, unfortunately

 

[tbroken]

I am experiencing the same. I've been making absent-minded mistakes left and right that eat away at me. Leaves me wondering if I'm even capable of being a responsible adult. I feel like if I was a parent, I would be the one that accidentally leaves my child in the car in the hot sun. Lots of stupid mistakes the leave me questioning my mental capacity. I think it has a lot to do with being bored with life. When you don't care anymore your brain doesn't get the chemical energy it needs to be sharp.

Same here and this is the third time that happens in my life. F*ck it.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Same thing here, my mental issues never impacted my cognition ever before, I'm slowly becoming more and more stupid.

One year ago my mind was crystal clear, and I was impressed at my own memory and cognition speed. I was getting great sleep, reading a lot, working at the top of my game. Now it's all fallen apart.

 

[borderlinee]

I relate, but because of a different reason. I'm diagnosed schizophrenic, psychosis made me stupid, the meds made me stupid. I used to be extremely intelligent, now I can't read one page of a book, can't memorize anything. I lost all interest in everything, I've become completely dumb, there's no future for me.

 

[Linda]

"I feel bad not contributing anything to this forum ..." Thee forum is here for everyone, whatever their circumstancs. You don't need to "contribute" anything, and nobody expects you to if you don't feel like it.
All I can suggest is that you get off the weed and the antidepressants for a while, and see if that makes any difference. I don't know whether it will, but it might. Both of them mess with your brain a lot, and that isn't always a good thing.

 

[lnlybnny]

i feel you and i relate to this. i wish i could do productive things (even though i wanna ctb) but it's becoming more and more difficult. i used to have a lot of pleasure reading books and now i've been reading 1 page a month, or not at all. i try to set my brain to go study but it literally gets like ''nah mate not today, let's just nap and scroll''. sometimes people talk to me and i feel overwhelmed not knowing if i gave the right answer, my mind disperses a lot. i failed terribly trying to launch into adulthood (i mean i didn't even try tbh) it seems like i've been living the same day for 10 years and my brain keeps getting foggy, the only thing that brings me true happiness and solace on a daily basis is when i get to bed and sleep, when i finally shut all of this off. what is funny is how my parents still seem to have a bit of hope on me, they must be joking themselves... or they can't believe they raised such an abomination like me, almost 30 with no will to live, just die, but postponing even this

 

[DogSandwich]

Depression can do a number on your brain. You're not stupid, you're chemically depressed.

Your post made me think of a passage from my favorite book though. Hopefully nobody minds too much of I share it.

"I've seen all I want to see and I know all I want to know. I just look forward to death.
He might hear you, Suttree said.
I wisht he would, said the ragpicker. He glared out across the river with his redrimmed eyes at the town where dusk was settling in. As if death might be hiding in that quarter.
No one wants to die.
Shit, said the ragpicker. Here's one that's sick of livin. Would you give all you own?
The ragman eyed him suspiciously but he did not smile. It wont be long, he said. An old man's days are hours.
And what happens then?
When?
After you're dead.
Dont nothin happen. You're dead.
You told me once you believed in God.
The old man waved his hand. Maybe, he said. I got no reason to think he believes in me. Oh I'd like to see him for a minute if I could.
What would you say to him?
Well, I think I'd just tell him. I'd say: Wait a minute. Wait just one minute before you start in on me. Before you say anything, there's just one thing I'd like to know. And he'll say: What's that? And then I'm goin to ast him: What did you have me in that crapgame down there for anyway? I couldnt put any part of it together.
Suttree smiled. What do you think he'll say?
The ragpicker spat and wiped his mouth. I dont believe he can answer it, he said. I dont believe there is a answer."