Venting It's strange... I can't wait to CTB, but I'm also nervous

[Ksmиda]

I almost felt like a normal person a few months ago but it all came crashing down - now I constantly think of suicide again.
I feel comforted and happy that I will die this year, but it also brings a sad/guilty feeling. Bittersweet is the only word that I can describe this feeling as.

I feel like I'll miss out on so much in life, but the thought of living at least another 60 years is horrifying - the past 3 have felt like decades and I can't even imagine going through it again.
I planned on living at least 2 more years before I make a decision, but I decided that I will ctb this year - hopefully before summer ends.
Apart from music, there is nothing else that makes my life bearable. Death is the only positive choice I can think of - everything else will just prolong my suffering and delay the inevitable.
Once I get all the materials for SN, I will start preparing. For now, I'll have to keep going.

It's so unfair. I'm lacking nothing - I have all I need to move forward in life and make it better but I'm throwing it all away because of depression.
I don't deserve anything I have, there are others who deserve it much more than me, but unfortunately, all I can do is give away all my possesions to others when I ctb.

My parents struggled so much to give me a chance in life, and it's all for nothing.
I won't even be able to make my death look natural, they will know I ctb.

Everything I do feels optional - I'm dying this year, why should I even bother?

I just want to go where I will be happy forever - unfortunately, life isn't that place, so I will have to move on.

I'm sorry everyone, I didn't want it to turn out this way, I hope you understand

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find peace, best wishes.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

I almost felt like a normal person a few months ago but it all came crashing down - now I constantly think of suicide again.
I feel comforted and happy that I will die this year, but it also brings a sad/guilty feeling. Bittersweet is the only word that I can describe this feeling as.

I feel like I'll miss out on so much in life, but the thought of living at least another 60 years is horrifying - the past 3 have felt like decades and I can't even imagine going through it again.
I planned on living at least 2 more years before I make a decision, but I decided that I will ctb this year - hopefully before summer ends.
Apart from music, there is nothing else that makes my life bearable. Death is the only positive choice I can think of - everything else will just prolong my suffering and delay the inevitable.
Once I get all the materials for SN, I will start preparing. For now, I'll have to keep going.

It's so unfair. I'm lacking nothing - I have all I need to move forward in life and make it better but I'm throwing it all away because of depression.
I don't deserve anything I have, there are others who deserve it much more than me, but unfortunately, all I can do is give away all my possesions to others when I ctb.

My parents struggled so much to give me a chance in life, and it's all for nothing.
I won't even be able to make my death look natural, they will know I ctb.

Everything I do feels optional - I'm dying this year, why should I even bother?

I just want to go where I will be happy forever - unfortunately, life isn't that place, so I will have to move on.

I'm sorry everyone, I didn't want it to turn out this way, I hope you understand

It's normal to be nervous. Sometimes I think it's actually SI in disguise.