(Warning: extremely, uncensored depiction of my feelings ahead, can be highly triggering for some.)
"It's just depression, it'll go away, just give it some time okay?". It's not just depression.
It's the fact that life will always be unfair and filled with suffering. It's the fact I'll never grow strong enough to face such pain, because some of us weren't made to, rather we were made to be the ones who suffer endlessly so that others can feel better about the way they conquer suffering. For someone to win, someone has to lose.
But suppose for a moment that fate doesn't exist and no one was meant to conquer or perish at suffering. Suppose that we all suffer in different ways and the best in one area is also the worst in another. Would that mean that we can actually build a better world, but we just haven't made it there yet? Would that mean we can live happy lives, despite suffering, without thinking about ending it all, without ending it all, because it's not written and we don't have to?
Even then... How would that work? All the people in the world will accommodate to my own needs and likes and dislikes, so that they never make me feel uncomfortable, unneeded or undesired? Or would I change myself to accommodate to them? Or would we find a middle ground where we can be happy just being ourselves?
But even then... I refuse having to change to this world that has caused me so much pain and suffering. My fellow human beings might be victims too, and I might have hurt them too simply by existing. But still, why? Just for the sake of making everyone happy? But would that make me happy?
I refuse paying attention to anybody who is not myself, even if that sounds selfish. To me, it's not and end of discussion.
I refuse having to move a finger if it doesn't make me happy somehow.
So I am the creator of my own suffering by refusing to change? But I don't want to change. I want to insult if I want to. I want to laugh if I want to laugh. I want to make other people feel bad about themselves if that's what I want. And I want to make them feel good if that's what I desire. I want everyone and everything accomodating to me. Am I an immature child for having such desires? I just want to be myself, that is all.
It's not just depression... it's the fact that no matter what I do, everything hurts, and all possible paths of "recovery" (never seen it, might as well be a conspiracy lie) lead to my own death... having to let at least one part of me go.
I don't want that. I want to remain myself and at the same time be happy forever. And if I can't get that... then I want nothing: no happiness, but no suffering either. Nothingness.
It's the fact that people don't want to be around me because they think I am childish and whiny. It's the fact they only want me as long as I am not in "crisis", I think I heard. So it's not true unconditional love. I want true, infinite, unconditional love. I want other people suffering for me. That's hypocritical of me? I don't care what it is, I only care that's what I want and if I don't get it right now I am gonna cry and hurt myself.
It's the fact I literally never hang out with anyone, it's the fact there's an endless abysm separating me and the rest of society, it's the fact that every little work conversation reminds me of that fact and stabs yet another spine in my heart and deepens those that were already there, even when it seemed like they had already reached the bottom. It's the fact that just existing is a trigger.
It's not just depression... it's that nothing ever changes, and probably never will.
"It's just depression, it'll go away, just give it some time okay?". It's not just depression.
It's the fact that life will always be unfair and filled with suffering. It's the fact I'll never grow strong enough to face such pain, because some of us weren't made to, rather we were made to be the ones who suffer endlessly so that others can feel better about the way they conquer suffering. For someone to win, someone has to lose.
But suppose for a moment that fate doesn't exist and no one was meant to conquer or perish at suffering. Suppose that we all suffer in different ways and the best in one area is also the worst in another. Would that mean that we can actually build a better world, but we just haven't made it there yet? Would that mean we can live happy lives, despite suffering, without thinking about ending it all, without ending it all, because it's not written and we don't have to?
Even then... How would that work? All the people in the world will accommodate to my own needs and likes and dislikes, so that they never make me feel uncomfortable, unneeded or undesired? Or would I change myself to accommodate to them? Or would we find a middle ground where we can be happy just being ourselves?
But even then... I refuse having to change to this world that has caused me so much pain and suffering. My fellow human beings might be victims too, and I might have hurt them too simply by existing. But still, why? Just for the sake of making everyone happy? But would that make me happy?
I refuse paying attention to anybody who is not myself, even if that sounds selfish. To me, it's not and end of discussion.
I refuse having to move a finger if it doesn't make me happy somehow.
So I am the creator of my own suffering by refusing to change? But I don't want to change. I want to insult if I want to. I want to laugh if I want to laugh. I want to make other people feel bad about themselves if that's what I want. And I want to make them feel good if that's what I desire. I want everyone and everything accomodating to me. Am I an immature child for having such desires? I just want to be myself, that is all.
It's not just depression... it's the fact that no matter what I do, everything hurts, and all possible paths of "recovery" (never seen it, might as well be a conspiracy lie) lead to my own death... having to let at least one part of me go.
I don't want that. I want to remain myself and at the same time be happy forever. And if I can't get that... then I want nothing: no happiness, but no suffering either. Nothingness.
It's the fact that people don't want to be around me because they think I am childish and whiny. It's the fact they only want me as long as I am not in "crisis", I think I heard. So it's not true unconditional love. I want true, infinite, unconditional love. I want other people suffering for me. That's hypocritical of me? I don't care what it is, I only care that's what I want and if I don't get it right now I am gonna cry and hurt myself.
It's the fact I literally never hang out with anyone, it's the fact there's an endless abysm separating me and the rest of society, it's the fact that every little work conversation reminds me of that fact and stabs yet another spine in my heart and deepens those that were already there, even when it seemed like they had already reached the bottom. It's the fact that just existing is a trigger.
It's not just depression... it's that nothing ever changes, and probably never will.
