viljalauss
he/they 22
- Aug 22, 2023
- 194
hello <3 i am now 22 ..
did not think i'd live to 13, 15, ..between 15 and 19 i don't remember, past that.. yea you get the gist
and i've had birthdays i've vowed to myself that i wouldn't get past
as it is now it seems i'm quite fond of them, despite their implication. it does depend, though - i think, partly, if i can make them my own. i had a really special birthday last year (just my bf and i - we did lsd, saw where new colours are born (alcest song title sorry..), and walked in nature), but the weekend family celebration was with relatives and songs and drinks to my deadname added their sound to its weight and i cried and cried (in front of people too..) - the same may well happen this weekend with family, and either way something will give out and i'll come off as unappreciative despite the beautiful things i know they will do for me.. but today will be simple and pleasant and mine.
i also think since last year i was in a place where the love i got on my birthday was almost able to soften its implication; that i thought, despite not thinking i was going to last the next year, that it would be worth carving it out with the care you would a gentle, special day rather than the care taken with a ticking timebomb.
what might change this year? well, i'm still grappling so hard with the fact that i will have to bite the bullet and look forward. not once, but as many times as i have to, maybe indefinitely. if i can muster the courage, i may start thinking about goals over the next year, things i want to do or do more of. (though i suspect there'd be more new things, as i really haven't done much at all of substance.) maybe by new year - when everyone puts their pressure on setting resolutions - i'd have more of a sufficient answer than 'survive' or 'continue' with any of my interests i've only really superficially followed for so long. i don't know, and i won't put too much pressure on myself to think of those, at least not today. but that process may be helped by the fact that i think i do just need to start looking at my birthday not as an end of my tether, not as a reminder that i no longer have to stay more than a year, but as a point to start and see where i can go from there.
other than the implication that i just have lived this long and somehow dare to continue to, there is the implication that i have lived this long and somehow done nothing of substance or made an adult of me. i'm not sure anyone's said that to me directly, but i can almost feel it when people are surprised at how old i am, or talk about people younger than me who are much more accomplished, and other things. still, knowing in what states i've spent the last years, i think i can give myself some grace.
gonna see alcest later today, a band whose music i have kept very close to my heart and has seen me through a long time, many waves and storms. i haven't listened to them in a while but will be spending some time with their music today, between my ears before i get to hear them fill a hall with their light - currently doing so now :)
thinking of making this cake https://theplantbasedschool.com/vegan-coffee-cake/ with hazelnut cream - i don't have hazelnuts but will be using some hazelnut milk i have left over :) also i don't have a cake tin but do have some gĂĽ ramekins so i may make mini cakes using them and then layer. will see how that goes and maybe post a picture or two if that goes ok :)
also sometimes i think about how birthday cakes existed in rome
did not think i'd live to 13, 15, ..between 15 and 19 i don't remember, past that.. yea you get the gist
and i've had birthdays i've vowed to myself that i wouldn't get past
as it is now it seems i'm quite fond of them, despite their implication. it does depend, though - i think, partly, if i can make them my own. i had a really special birthday last year (just my bf and i - we did lsd, saw where new colours are born (alcest song title sorry..), and walked in nature), but the weekend family celebration was with relatives and songs and drinks to my deadname added their sound to its weight and i cried and cried (in front of people too..) - the same may well happen this weekend with family, and either way something will give out and i'll come off as unappreciative despite the beautiful things i know they will do for me.. but today will be simple and pleasant and mine.
i also think since last year i was in a place where the love i got on my birthday was almost able to soften its implication; that i thought, despite not thinking i was going to last the next year, that it would be worth carving it out with the care you would a gentle, special day rather than the care taken with a ticking timebomb.
what might change this year? well, i'm still grappling so hard with the fact that i will have to bite the bullet and look forward. not once, but as many times as i have to, maybe indefinitely. if i can muster the courage, i may start thinking about goals over the next year, things i want to do or do more of. (though i suspect there'd be more new things, as i really haven't done much at all of substance.) maybe by new year - when everyone puts their pressure on setting resolutions - i'd have more of a sufficient answer than 'survive' or 'continue' with any of my interests i've only really superficially followed for so long. i don't know, and i won't put too much pressure on myself to think of those, at least not today. but that process may be helped by the fact that i think i do just need to start looking at my birthday not as an end of my tether, not as a reminder that i no longer have to stay more than a year, but as a point to start and see where i can go from there.
other than the implication that i just have lived this long and somehow dare to continue to, there is the implication that i have lived this long and somehow done nothing of substance or made an adult of me. i'm not sure anyone's said that to me directly, but i can almost feel it when people are surprised at how old i am, or talk about people younger than me who are much more accomplished, and other things. still, knowing in what states i've spent the last years, i think i can give myself some grace.
gonna see alcest later today, a band whose music i have kept very close to my heart and has seen me through a long time, many waves and storms. i haven't listened to them in a while but will be spending some time with their music today, between my ears before i get to hear them fill a hall with their light - currently doing so now :)
thinking of making this cake https://theplantbasedschool.com/vegan-coffee-cake/ with hazelnut cream - i don't have hazelnuts but will be using some hazelnut milk i have left over :) also i don't have a cake tin but do have some gĂĽ ramekins so i may make mini cakes using them and then layer. will see how that goes and maybe post a picture or two if that goes ok :)
also sometimes i think about how birthday cakes existed in rome
