Venting It's my birthday

[Addled and Rattled]

I've tried to attempt to ctb on my birthday a multitude of times. It's the day my mother made me talk to police about my SA, it's a reminder of what led me to drop out of college. It's a reminder that every year I live and I accomplish nothing, and the light inside of me dims a little more. It's a reminder that I'm a massive failure, steps behind my peers, and I can't function properly enough to even try and catch up. I've tried talking to my friends, but they either don't get it, or are too scared to say anything. My family is unsupportive. I have my therapist I suppose aha.
This year I tried not to isolate myself like I usually do, I planned a little party with my friends and it was nice, but I don't actually feel better. If anything I just feel more isolated somehow, like they'll only accept me if I pretend to be okay. I don't know how much longer I can go on, really. I can't eat or sleep, I haven't gone to the gym for a long time. I draw, but it's so half hearted. It doesn't bring me joy like it used to. Everything feels like a chore, just so I can go and do more chores.
I made a bucket list. Once I complete it, I might ctb properly. We'll see. I still have three younger siblings, two with autism that I'm very worried about. I hope the future will be kind to them.

Thank you for reading (even if you just scrolled to the bottom to see what this crazy person is getting to)

 

[Jarring]

Out of curiosity what is on your bucket list and how do you plan to accomplish it?

 

[Addled and Rattled]

Out of curiosity what is on your bucket list and how do you plan to accomplish it?

Honestly, I haven't put much thought into it, but this is what I have down so far:
1. Make a comic.
2. Show one of my art pieces in a gallery or convention.
3. Read more books on my list (mostly metaphysics or anarchist)

These are all pretty doable, I've been working on my art with all the free time I can spare so I can do the first two, after that I can just read. I usually try to read on my lunchbreak also. I apologize, I'm not sure If you meant how I'll accomplish the bucket list or the ctb?

 

[Jarring]

I was talking abt the bucket list so its all good.
I have a bookshelf of books I bought to read and i still havent finished them lol. Otherwise I wish I was more artistic because ig itd give me a way to express myself

 

[Addled and Rattled]

I was talking abt the bucket list so its all good.
I have a bookshelf of books I bought to read and i still havent finished them lol. Otherwise I wish I was more artistic because ig itd give me a way to express myself

Ohh I see. What kinda books do you like?
People express themselves in such vastly different ways, I'm sure you do too and don't realize it! But I'm also of the school that everyone can participate no matter your skill level. (no pressure, just letting you know) :)

 

[Jarring]

Idk ig i read whatever falls into my hands and is inrteresting. But this year specifically ive started multiple books but never finished them for one reason or another. I think in the past year ive only finished one book and it was the Communist Manifesto lol.