Venting It's like I'm already dead

[dissociatedmess]

Not severely like someone with Cotard's syndrome - the false belief that one is deceased. But most of days I do feel like I don't actually exist, and I constantly have to receive proof that I do. Like when I talk in a room full of people, somehow I'm the only one that doesn't get heard. When I post on most forums/socials, like reddit or imgur, or facebook or instagram, it's like my post gets thrown into a void that no one views or responds to. It makes me panic a little. It makes me feel like I'm seven years old trapped in my bedroom where I was not allowed to see or talk to anyone. No hugs, no comfort, just a tiny room for me and my dysregulated brain.

And then I think myself stupid for sharing in the first place. I know better than to say I matter. I was taught better than that.

Some people tell me I need to grow my self confidence, and I tell them I don't have the foundation for that. I don't understand what it would feel like not to hate myself because I don't think I've ever felt it. I was always taught not to. I think in the last few years I've learned to respect myself despite the hatred, but the hatred isn't going anywhere.

I have friends, but I spend a lot of time alone. They tend to respond to me reaching out for help the same way: it's "I'm sorry but I've had the worst day and don't have the capacity" or "you can vent but my life is so crazy right now I might not be able to respond." It makes me feel like a burden, even though it's once in a blue moon that I just say, "I'm really suffering, I need someone right now." And the outcome is always the same; I am alone.
I might be able to coax them for a drink, if I pay. Maybe play a few games. Laugh. Don't talk about my problems, make sure everyone else is happy, but I'm also tired of drinking. I've cut back substantially, but my friends habits are scaring me now. Drinks in the morning, in the afternoon, at night. Nonstop. I didn't know it was that bad. They always pressured me to drink more, convinced me I was crazy for thinking maybe I was having a problem. But now I realize they just didn't want to feel bad about themselves because I wanted to quit.

Now I'm scared of hanging out with them, and since I said I don't want to drink, no one invites me to hangout anymore.

So I pace my micro-apartment.
I have a sit-down shower.
I talk to myself.
I do crosswords.
I count to a hundred.
I scroll the internet.
I make music.
I'm on my third run of Baldur's Gate 3.
I go to work, only engaging in quick smalltalk, I go home, and it's all just... empty...

When I make my songs I feel real.
When I share them, I feel invisible again.
I spent over ten years on vocal training. I have an audio engineering degree. I love what I make. I love improving those skills.
But I send it out into a void every time, maybe because I don't want to pay pay pay pay pay for ads just to share my art - Just to feel connected to someone, anyone.

I always think I'll be much more alive after I die.
I think after I died, people would care to listen to the art that I made.
And they'd say, "We should've seen the signs."

I feel fucked up.
I'm dead when I'm alive and I'll be alive when I'm dead.

 

[lastappleonearth]

Not severely like someone with Cotard's syndrome - the false belief that one is deceased. But most of days I do feel like I don't actually exist, and I constantly have to receive proof that I do. Like when I talk in a room full of people, somehow I'm the only one that doesn't get heard. When I post on most forums/socials, like reddit or imgur, or facebook or instagram, it's like my post gets thrown into a void that no one views or responds to. It makes me panic a little. It makes me feel like I'm seven years old trapped in my bedroom where I was not allowed to see or talk to anyone. No hugs, no comfort, just a tiny room for me and my dysregulated brain.

And then I think myself stupid for sharing in the first place. I know better than to say I matter. I was taught better than that.

Some people tell me I need to grow my self confidence, and I tell them I don't have the foundation for that. I don't understand what it would feel like not to hate myself because I don't think I've ever felt it. I was always taught not to. I think in the last few years I've learned to respect myself despite the hatred, but the hatred isn't going anywhere.

I have friends, but I spend a lot of time alone. They tend to respond to me reaching out for help the same way: it's "I'm sorry but I've had the worst day and don't have the capacity" or "you can vent but my life is so crazy right now I might not be able to respond." It makes me feel like a burden, even though it's once in a blue moon that I just say, "I'm really suffering, I need someone right now." And the outcome is always the same; I am alone.
I might be able to coax them for a drink, if I pay. Maybe play a few games. Laugh. Don't talk about my problems, make sure everyone else is happy, but I'm also tired of drinking. I've cut back substantially, but my friends habits are scaring me now. Drinks in the morning, in the afternoon, at night. Nonstop. I didn't know it was that bad. They always pressured me to drink more, convinced me I was crazy for thinking maybe I was having a problem. But now I realize they just didn't want to feel bad about themselves because I wanted to quit.

Now I'm scared of hanging out with them, and since I said I don't want to drink, no one invites me to hangout anymore.

So I pace my micro-apartment.
I have a sit-down shower.
I talk to myself.
I do crosswords.
I count to a hundred.
I scroll the internet.
I make music.
I'm on my third run of Baldur's Gate 3.
I go to work, only engaging in quick smalltalk, I go home, and it's all just... empty...

When I make my songs I feel real.
When I share them, I feel invisible again.
I spent over ten years on vocal training. I have an audio engineering degree. I love what I make. I love improving those skills.
But I send it out into a void every time, maybe because I don't want to pay pay pay pay pay for ads just to share my art - Just to feel connected to someone, anyone.

I always think I'll be much more alive after I die.
I think after I died, people would care to listen to the art that I made.
And they'd say, "We should've seen the signs."

I feel fucked up.
I'm dead when I'm alive and I'll be alive when I'm dead.

This is incredibly relatable and I'm sorry u have to feel that way. I often feel like I could as well be dead and it wouldn't rlly matter, bcs I don't have a life anyway. I basically have no friends anymore, fucked up all my relationships and so I'm just on my own. The posting thing btw is so real, happens to me too, but tbf I don't have anything rlly creative to post like u. You can be proud of yourself for getting you degree, which u have and making music, like u are actually creating sth, which is super cool. I hope u get to feel better and find ppl who value u and your music