It’s like I want to be depressed

[akrasia]

I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness. I have only started going to therapy and haven't been diagnosed yet. Even though i've been assign some antidepressants. Whenever I feel happy, I kind of force myself to be depressed. I want to die but I also want to attempt ctb just to say I attempted. It's like i'm want to seek attention. I'm so confuse and lost and i don't know what i want anymore.
I'm sorry if I upset anyone based on what i said, I know some people are actually diagnosed with depression and hate being in that state. I just want to let it out.
Please say your opinion about this.

 

[HelensNepenthe]

Depression does not exactly mean you're constantly down in the dumps 24 hours of the day, 7 days of the week. This is a common misconception and this is no way invalidating how you're emotionally feeling. Those are your emotions, no one can take them away from you or suggest you to feel otherwise. While you're going to therapy, and most of us* support members going to therapy on this forum when applicable, you should apply pressure to your therapist. If you're not getting adequate answers that you're looking for, you have to push for another therapist. Perhaps looking for a therapist who is the opposite gender of you or perhaps looking for someone who shares the same ethnicity as you.

Self-loathing can feel nice at times -- and I think in your situation that is what you're wanting. Self-loathing can open this creative third eye about ourselves. It can show our flaws that we might have not observed in a different head space. Almost in like-mindedness of how a pessimist might observe the world in reality, unlike an optimist who is looking at life in a bubble where everything is great.

I also want to attempt ctb just to say I attempted.

I would strongly encourage that you do not attempt. No one in reality really cares that you attempted besides:

1. Police
2. Doctors
3. Family members or close friends surrounding you

How many times you attempted or that you attempted isn't some competitive sport. In most cases attempting and others find out about it will cause more harm to yourself or relationships. While we operate under a pro-choice philosophy, and simply put no one can actually stop your attempt besides yourself, please reconsider attempting. A wrong attempt can lead to permanent damage on yourself where you might not have choices any longer.

 

[akrasia]

thank you very much for replying. I totally understand what you mean. and i agree with you. -hugs-

Depression does not exactly mean you're constantly down in the dumps 24 hours of the day, 7 days of the week. This is a common misconception and this is no way invalidating how you're emotionally feeling. Those are your emotions, no one can take them away from you or suggest you to feel otherwise. While you're going to therapy, and most of us* support members going to therapy on this forum when applicable, you should apply pressure to your therapist. If you're not getting adequate answers that you're looking for, you have to push for another therapist. Perhaps looking for a therapist who is the opposite gender of you or perhaps looking for someone who shares the same ethnicity as you.

Self-loathing can feel nice at times -- and I think in your situation that is what you're wanting. Self-loathing can open this creative third eye about ourselves. It can show our flaws that we might have not observed in a different head space. Almost in like-mindedness of how a pessimist might observe the world in reality, unlike an optimist who is looking at life in a bubble where everything is great.


I would strongly encourage that you do not attempt. No one in reality really cares that you attempted besides:

1. Police
2. Doctors
3. Family members or people surrounding you

How many times you attempted or that you attempted isn't some competitive sport. In most cases attempting and others find out about it will cause more harm to yourself or relationships.

 

[Apathy79]

I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness. I have only started going to therapy and haven't been diagnosed yet. Even though i've been assign some antidepressants. Whenever I feel happy, I kind of force myself to be depressed. I want to die but I also want to attempt ctb just to say I attempted. It's like i'm want to seek attention. I'm so confuse and lost and i don't know what i want anymore.
I'm sorry if I upset anyone based on what i said, I know some people are actually diagnosed with depression and hate being in that state. I just want to let it out.
Please say your opinion about this.

Your instinct sounds right. And Helen explained it well. There's something about wallowing about our lives, maybe even exaggerating how bad it is or leaving out good parts, that we get a bit of a kick from. It's like mind juice. We can get attention that way and that can be the main motive but it's not just that, it's an addictive feeling, similar to feeling like a victim. We'll do it just in our own mind too chasing that little juice kick. I think almost everyone experiences it to various degrees.