it's just so hard

[wildflowers1996]

I feel completely hopeless and destroyed by everything
my life is just waiting for death now
but I just can't seem to do it to my family so what do I do I'm 27 I can't just wait and wait for decades
I can't even find any distraction, a way to kill time, any way of making things a bit more bearable
I can't make the one person I so desperately need to care, care
I feel so alone, so utterly worthless, empty
I wanted to read religious texts before ctb even though I'm 99% atheist just in case there was something spiritual that could help me - and because I'm scared of going to hell, even though I don't really believe in it
But I can't even do that I can't make myself do anything I wish I could lose myself in a book a movie but it just doesn't work I can't escape myself often I can't even sleep because of chronic pain
I feel so paralysed
I just keep thinking if there is a God, why? I don't like myself but am I really that awful? have I not tried to connect with You, if You're there? what am I doing wrong why is nothing I do ever enough
I wish I could wake up and this is all a nightmare, I want help but no one can help me

 

[theboy]

I am sorry you are going through this situation. In my case, I believe in God and he can help you. Don't be so hard on yourself and I hope you find hope. pm anything.

 

[Tesha]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like everything is completely overwhelming you right now. I'm in a similar position and I've had to check out of day to day life to try and see where my thoughts really lie.

Spirituality isn't just about religion - have you looked into other spiritual outlets?

 

[wildflowers1996]

thank you both and I'm sorry you're in a similar situation Tesha :( what other outlets do you suggest?

dying just would be such a relief I wish I could do it

 

[sklvlp999]

Same here, turned 27 and reached a no return point

 

[FitsTime]

I'm almost 33 now. I don't know who I am, never had someone who really cared for me and I needed it.
Made a lot of wrong choices due to trauma and depression and I am surrounded by assholes.
I needed someone when i was down, but I did not accept help.
Now i see only the dark things of life, is not a good thing.
My father started it, because when he had to choose between his real family(me and my Mother) or being manipulated by the other side of the family he chose the second one.
He left me alone vs everyone, asshol*!
I have my SN and test strips here, maybe is the right time to go?

 

[amra81nz]

I feel completely hopeless and destroyed by everything
my life is just waiting for death now
but I just can't seem to do it to my family so what do I do I'm 27 I can't just wait and wait for decades
I can't even find any distraction, a way to kill time, any way of making things a bit more bearable
I can't make the one person I so desperately need to care, care
I feel so alone, so utterly worthless, empty
I wanted to read religious texts before ctb even though I'm 99% atheist just in case there was something spiritual that could help me - and because I'm scared of going to hell, even though I don't really believe in it
But I can't even do that I can't make myself do anything I wish I could lose myself in a book a movie but it just doesn't work I can't escape myself often I can't even sleep because of chronic pain
I feel so paralysed
I just keep thinking if there is a God, why? I don't like myself but am I really that awful? have I not tried to connect with You, if You're there? what am I doing wrong why is nothing I do ever enough
I wish I could wake up and this is all a nightmare, I want help but no one can help me

dont know if it would help but your welcome to chat with me. im a nobody in a shit situation too. i want to ctb but im afraid of death as well so im kinda stuck

 

[LoiteringClouds]

my life is just waiting for death now

I feel so alone, so utterly worthless, empty

I'm so sorry, loneliness actually kills... [1]
Do you find this forum helpful? I understand online friends won't substitute ones in real life, though.

[1] The abstract says "Here we show that, in the general population, both social isolation and loneliness were significantly associated with an increased risk of all-cause mortality..."
"A systematic review and meta-analysis of 90 cohort studies of social isolation, loneliness and mortality", Nature Human Behaviour.

 

[Raven2]

I wish I could wake up and this is all a nightmare, I want help but no one can help me

I feel you on this. If someone could help I would take it but no one cant take away my pain.