Venting It’s hard to talk

[Leve]

It's amazing how difficult it is to discuss mental illness with people, and especially suicide. But even when there are people who can discuss suicide, there are other topics you can't touch. In my experience, speaking to friends (nearly impossible to find anyways) or family usually results in one of two things, judgement and ostracism, or causing them to be afraid, either of you or for you. Regardless it almost always hurts the relationship. The solution is supposed to be talking with a professional, which, one, means instead of talking to people who care and people you care for, you now have to pay just to speak freely, and the relationship becomes patient and caregiver, supplier and consumer, instead of a mutual discussion, and two, still doesn't give you complete freedom, as speaking on certain topics can get you institutionalized. Therapists have told me that it's all kept in the room, unless I'm an immediate "danger to myself or others". It creates this environment of fear to speak freely for me.

It's just really difficult to talk about what I go through. I already feel like an alien in this world, and each day that goes by without being able to even say that it gets worse. It's hard. I hope you folks here have people to talk to, or will find them soon.

 

[viscera]

I know what you mean. Once I was talking to a psychologist at the hospital, and at the end of the appointment he asked if I had any suicidal plans. I told him I didn't want to be institutionalised again, but that I didn't want to lie either.

His reply: if he suspected I was planning to kill myself, he would call the police.

Obviously I lied, and he either bought it or didn't bother to push it because I was allowed to go free. This moment showed me that the healthcare system doesn't care what you in particular want, it will always operate in the interest of society as a whole. It will use the information you provide against your wishes if necessary. You cannot really trust psychologists because they are not in your service, even though they try to give that impression.

 

[Leve]

I just don't get how forcing us into facilities that act like prisons are in anyone's best interest I guess

 

[lysolwipes]

It's an endless cycle of half-hearted "I'm here for you"s whenever you try to reach out to friends or family. No matter how much they reassure you that you have their support, it's never there. I don't want them to act like I'm a delicate piece of glass, or that I'm going to snap any second, but it seems to be the only way anyone responds, if at all.