Venting It's hard to kill yourself when you're so good looking

[Mr2005]

But easy to want to when you've wasted it. You might know the story by now. I wanted plastic surgery which I didn't need and then proceeded to do nothing about it anyway. Hid away, no computer, no e-mail address expecting it would sort itself out. I wasted my late teens and early twenties and I've never forgiven myself. I could have had everything with the slightest effort made. Or indeed had I been born ten years later. I don't think this could have happened then but I'm not going to play the victim. As I say it didn't need doing but it was better to find this out early than just wasting my life away waiting. When I returned to earth it had changed. I was older and things had moved on. Ten years later I'm experiencing the same thing again. Went to my mums for the first time since covid and wasn't sure I had the right house. I feel like I've been in a coma I'd just rather not remember why. I have done things the last ten years but it only ever felt like a consolation prize. Now with covid actual reality mirrors my mental state. I've been doing this so long I don't think there is any coming back. I'm 34 now and in the same time again I'll be 50 years old. If I still look like this it would be a miracle but I doubt I'm going to find out. It's possible I guess since I have been blessed but does it make up for anything anyway? It's all extremely shallow, it always was. I'm a better person now apparently if being a better person means feeling like crap. This body should carry on without me inside it

 

[I want to end it]

I'm confused :/

 

[Mr2005]

I'm confused :/

I don't blame you so am I. I'm going to give up sooner or later. It'll all have been a massive waste but at least I won't have to know about it

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I don't blame you so am I. I'm going to give up sooner or later. It'll all have been a massive waste but at least I won't have to know about it

Would you like to explain your story again? I'm sorry, I just can't figure it out.

 

[peacechoice]

Would you like to explain your story again? I'm sorry, I just can't figure it out.

Im equally as confused, but I want to kill my self because rim ugly anyways. If I were good looking, life would be a hell of a lot easier!

 

[DontGiveAshiit]

Didnt really understand your story either, but I can just guess that maybe you have some sort of bdd, so I can really relate to it

 

[Ghost2211]

Sending you hugs cryptic kitty.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Sending you hugs cryptic kitty.

cryptic kitty?

 

[Meditation guide]

But easy to want to when you've wasted it. You might know the story by now. I wanted plastic surgery which I didn't need and then proceeded to do nothing about it anyway. Hid away, no computer, no e-mail address expecting it would sort itself out. I wasted my late teens and early twenties and I've never forgiven myself. I could have had everything with the slightest effort made. Or indeed had I been born ten years later. I don't think this could have happened then but I'm not going to play the victim. As I say it didn't need doing but it was better to find this out early than just wasting my life away waiting. When I returned to earth it had changed. I was older and things had moved on. Ten years later I'm experiencing the same thing again. Went to my mums for the first time since covid and wasn't sure I had the right house. I feel like I've been in a coma I'd just rather not remember why. I have done things the last ten years but it only ever felt like a consolation prize. Now with covid actual reality mirrors my mental state. I've been doing this so long I don't think there is any coming back. I'm 34 now and in the same time again I'll be 50 years old. If I still look like this it would be a miracle but I doubt I'm going to find out. It's possible I guess since I have been blessed but does it make up for anything anyway? It's all extremely shallow, it always was. I'm a better person now apparently if being a better person means feeling like crap. This body should carry on without me inside it

Being incredibly good looking is not automatically solving all problems.

 

[peacechoice]

Being incredibly good looking is not automatically solving all problems.

I think it would help though. But you're right.

 

[Ghost2211]

cryptic kitty?

Profile pic

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Being incredibly good looking is not automatically solving all problems.

I come from an incredibly good looking family, and in my younger days I turned heads. I am now in my late 50s and I have ruined my good looks with alcohol excess, smoking and overeating to the point I am now morbidly obese. So yes, I agree with you. However, my siblings are still beautiful... how I envy them.

I think it would help though. But you're right.

How would it help? Help what?

 

[Meditation guide]

How would it help? Help what?

It helps get sex.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

It helps get sex.

I was never that desperate.

 

[Iseeblue_711]

005Q
005Qu="Mr2005, post: 982268, member: 2914"]
But easy to want to when you've wasted it. You might know the story by now. I wanted plastic surgery which I didn't need and then proceeded to do nothing about it anyway. Hid away, no computer, no e-mail address expecting it would sort itself out. I wasted my late teens and early twenties and I've never forgiven myself. I could have had everything with the slightest effort made. Or indeed had I been born ten years later. I don't think this could have happened then but I'm not going to play the victim. As I say it didn't need doing but it was better to find this out early than just wasting my life away waiting. When I returned to earth it had changed. I was older and things had moved on. Ten years later I'm experiencing the same thing again. Went to my mums for the first time since covid and wasn't sure I had the right house. I feel like I've been in a coma I'd just rather not remember why. I have done things the last ten years but it only ever felt like a consolation prize. Now with covid actual reality mirrors my mental state. I've been doing this so long I don't think there is any coming back. I'm 34 now and in the same time again I'll be 50 years old. If I still look like this it would be a miracle but I doubt I'm going to find out. It's possible I guess since I have been blessed but does it make up for anything anyway? It's all extremely shallow, it always was. I'm a better person now apparently if being a better person means feeling like crap. This body should carry on without me inside it
[/QUOTE]

But easy to want to when you've wasted it. You might know the story by now. I wanted plastic surgery which I didn't need and then proceeded to do nothing about it anyway. Hid away, no computer, no e-mail address expecting it would sort itself out. I wasted my late teens and early twenties and I've never forgiven myself. I could have had everything with the slightest effort made. Or indeed had I been born ten years later. I don't think this could have happened then but I'm not going to play the victim. As I say it didn't need doing but it was better to find this out early than just wasting my life away waiting. When I returned to earth it had changed. I was older and things had moved on. Ten years later I'm experiencing the same thing again. Went to my mums for the first time since covid and wasn't sure I had the right house. I feel like I've been in a coma I'd just rather not remember why. I have done things the last ten years but it only ever felt like a consolation prize. Now with covid actual reality mirrors my mental state. I've been doing this so long I don't think there is any coming back. I'm 34 now and in the same time again I'll be 50 years old. If I still look like this it would be a miracle but I doubt I'm going to find out. It's possible I guess since I have been blessed but does it make up for anything anyway? It's all extremely shallow, it always was. I'm a better person now apparently if being a better person means feeling like crap. This body should carry on without me inside it

I didn t really understand what you wanted to say either but, I kinda felt like I was reading a kind of a...story, and you remind me of André Aciman, in a way.Have you thought about writting books?=)
Maybe a good hobbie would help you overcome, at least a little bit, what s going on in your life.

 

[allym101]

Wish I could relate. At least you have one good thing going for ya.

 

[peacechoice]

It helps because getting things are easier. It is scientific fact that pretty people have it easier. They command a room and usually get farther. If someone ruins their beauty that is up to them I guess.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The post reminds me of a friend I had who was an artist and a writer. She wrote a book of poetry that she self-published for a fundraiser. We were talking about it one day, she wanted to know what I thought since I was a poet, too, and I finally admitted to her that while I loved her painting, I didn't understand her poetry. She came from an abusive background, and she told me that when she wrote poems growing up, it was always coded so that her mother couldn't understand, and that's how her writing developed. It was poetic, it just...didn't make sense. Whatever was in her heart couldn't be heard and connected with by an audience because there was no shared meaning, like saying brown when she really meant Iceland. When we talked about this, she had an epiphany that she was now an adult and didn't have to code things anymore, it was safe to say what she meant.

@Mr2005, I don't know if it's similar for you, and I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just had the thought that maybe you don't feel safe to come out and say what's relevant and important to you in order to get a need met, like support, connection, understanding, etc.

 

[Mr2005]

005Q
005Qu="Mr2005, post: 982268, member: 2914"]
But easy to want to when you've wasted it. You might know the story by now. I wanted plastic surgery which I didn't need and then proceeded to do nothing about it anyway. Hid away, no computer, no e-mail address expecting it would sort itself out. I wasted my late teens and early twenties and I've never forgiven myself. I could have had everything with the slightest effort made. Or indeed had I been born ten years later. I don't think this could have happened then but I'm not going to play the victim. As I say it didn't need doing but it was better to find this out early than just wasting my life away waiting. When I returned to earth it had changed. I was older and things had moved on. Ten years later I'm experiencing the same thing again. Went to my mums for the first time since covid and wasn't sure I had the right house. I feel like I've been in a coma I'd just rather not remember why. I have done things the last ten years but it only ever felt like a consolation prize. Now with covid actual reality mirrors my mental state. I've been doing this so long I don't think there is any coming back. I'm 34 now and in the same time again I'll be 50 years old. If I still look like this it would be a miracle but I doubt I'm going to find out. It's possible I guess since I have been blessed but does it make up for anything anyway? It's all extremely shallow, it always was. I'm a better person now apparently if being a better person means feeling like crap. This body should carry on without me inside it

I didn t really understand what you wanted to say either but, I kinda felt like I was reading a kind of a...story, and you remind me of André Aciman, in a way.Have you thought about writting books?=)
Maybe a good hobbie would help you overcome, at least a little bit, what s going on in your life.
[/QUOTE]
It would resemble scribblings on the wall of a padded cell. It's hard to be coherent when it's coming from an emotional place. I then get called childish which doesn't help any. I hate the crap coming out of my mouth too. My brains not stupid it just requires an imbecile to talk for it

It helps because getting things are easier. It is scientific fact that pretty people have it easier. They command a room and usually get farther. If someone ruins their beauty that is up to them I guess.

Physically I haven't changed that much which is fortunate given how I've lived (guess I've avoided the sun) inside though I'm dead. This is just a shell.

Didnt really understand your story either, but I can just guess that maybe you have some sort of bdd, so I can really relate to it

That's what I was diagnosed as but I'm not convinced. I think I'm just a narcissistic piece of shit who wanted perfection and thought he was entitled to it. Instead wasting everything I had or could have had. I regret that I went along with it instead of actually trying to get what I want. I think even if they'd botched my face I wouldn't find it as hard to live with as this. Or I'd find it easier to die. Either way it's better than this. I've been in limbo for years just procrastinating whether to die all because I procrastinated getting surgery for years so I could fuck about in the meantime or something. What a privileged position to be in. I obviously thought I'd be young forever. It's disappeared along with whatever dreams of stardom I had and I deserve it, I'm an absolute disgrace. I don't even blame myself for what I wanted because you get one shot and even if there's a next life I'll never have it this good again. I blame myself that I didn't even try to make it happen. That is unforgivable. If I never really wanted it why do I feel like I've lost everything and if I did why didn't I do anything. There is no good answer. I just have to live in this perpetual cycle and it is absolute hell

The post reminds me of a friend I had who was an artist and a writer. She wrote a book of poetry that she self-published for a fundraiser. We were talking about it one day, she wanted to know what I thought since I was a poet, too, and I finally admitted to her that while I loved her painting, I didn't understand her poetry. She came from an abusive background, and she told me that when she wrote poems growing up, it was always coded so that her mother couldn't understand, and that's how her writing developed. It was poetic, it just...didn't make sense. Whatever was in her heart couldn't be heard and connected with by an audience because there was no shared meaning, like saying brown when she really meant Iceland. When we talked about this, she had an epiphany that she was now an adult and didn't have to code things anymore, it was safe to say what she meant.

@Mr2005, I don't know if it's similar for you, and I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just had the thought that maybe you don't feel safe to come out and say what's relevant and important to you in order to get a need met, like support, connection, understanding, etc.

It's not intentional but it is frustrating. It's like I'm speaking a different language but as there's nothing anyone can do to make it better anyway it doesn't really matter. They can only make it worse through no fault of their own. My mind is torn to pieces

 

[Wayfaerer]

Your story sounds eerily familiar to mine in a way. To say that I had wasted my teens and early adulthood would be an understatement. I didn't waste it enjoying all the abundance of free time I had, I wasted it by taking life too seriously and being fucking miserable through all of it, all day and every day. And now it's too late. It's all over. I can't say that I feel regret due to free will being a myth, but I curse my fate every waking moment of every day. I never had a chance.

 

[LonelyDude15]

I don't understand what this story is suppose to mean or how it relates to the title. But I support you I guess

 

[Mr2005]

I don't understand what this story is suppose to mean or how it relates to the title. But I support you I guess

Thanks. That'll do

 

[StuFin]

It helps because getting things are easier. It is scientific fact that pretty people have it easier. They command a room and usually get farther. If someone ruins their beauty that is up to them I guess.

My ex was model beautiful, blond Scandanavian looks and she just waltzed her way through life without lifting a finger while simultaneously ruining mine..

Then she got a great job in a huge corporation full of men, had them falling all over her, she rose through the ranks and dropped me like a hot potato after I'd paid her way for 23 years.

So yeah. I agree.

 

[Mr2005]

Don't really know why I'm saying all this. There's really not much positive to say about it but hats off to you for trying. The alternative is also not needed since I already know. Doesn't stop people though including my girlfriend. I didn't think anyone could make it worse than what I do but she somehow manages it. There's no way she could live with it and she knows it. I don't think anyone could however good looking they are. Once the person inside is gone that's it. This thing I'm carting arounds only going to age anyway and it never mattered to anyone else like it did to me. Who I was mattered and I was a fucking idiot. As my mate once said it's a mugs game. I didn't listen then but I remembered. A lot of things mean something now I just brushed off. Is that learning and growing? Well it's fucking painful. Maybe a stronger person could deal with it I dunno but it's not something I ever thought I'd have to deal with despite all the warning signs being there. People make mistakes but I don't know who else would have done this. Narcissus? It was suicide

 

[sarahR]

There are plenty of beautiful people who took their lives. In my opinion I think looks don't matter. Look at all the beautiful celebrities that took their own lives.

 

[Donk]

There are plenty of beautiful people who took their lives. In my opinion I think looks don't matter. Look at all the beautiful celebrities that took their own lives.

Beauty does not guarantee happiness however ceteris paribus, the more attractive person will have advantages over their counterpart.

 

[sarahR]

Beauty does not guarantee happiness however ceteris paribus, the more attractive person will have advantages over their counterpart.

Yes that's true.

 

[Mr2005]

Beauty does not guarantee happiness however ceteris paribus, the more attractive person will have advantages over their counterpart.

And if they don't take advantage of them? If they ruin their life over them instead while people far worse off get on with theirs?

 

[Yuki Tenuki]

I can't relate to this one. I have had real life experience that looking good does not protect you from being sad and suicidal.

 

[Donk]

And if they don't take advantage of them? If they ruin their life over them instead while people far worse off get on with theirs?

I'm still can't make the connection between you regretting not getting plastic surgery and sabotaging your life as a result of it. A lot of people are self conscious about there appearances yet they go about their lives still. Are you sure their isn't something deeper that's bothering you?