burninghill
Student
- Dec 2, 2025
- 153
I'm infinitely sorry for the long post. Do not feel obligated to read.
I feel like every day it feels harder to hold onto this life. I'm supposed to wait until the 25th, at the very soonest the night of the 17th.
My brain keeps coming up with shit to be scared of and nothing seems to make it better. I've tried believing in myself, going out, meeting with friends. Everything makes me want to get worse and to feel worse.
Every time I think I've found something new to be excited about, it wares off quick. Alcohol, nicotine, cutting, burning, DXM. I thought all of these were the best thing in the world until the novelty wore off.
Even hanging out with my friends makes me feel worse. The minute I'm not in an active conversation I just start thinking about running away and killing myself right then and there.
I'm scared I won't commit to it, I wanna die so bad but it hurts to know that I've backed out before. I knew I'd regret bailing and 5 months later I still do.
I pray to God every night that this time it works, I've been getting back into tarot and using my pendulum to try and reassure myself that it will. I know the answers will be biased but that's alright. As long as it makes me feel better.
I don't even know why I post anymore, I'm not adding anything people haven't heard before but it makes me feel better. I hate this so much. I have everything I could ever want and I'm just fucked up. I hope I get reincarnated as somebody who can make use of this life.
I'm a bad person too. I know everyone's first instinct is to deny that when I say it but I really am. I'm too ashamed to even say why I think it but you have to believe me when I say it's true. I need a different brain.
All I can do is keep praying that I don't back out this time, maybe some miracle combination of alcohol, DPH and DXM will fix it. What if I'm making all this suicidal shit up and something deep in me knows I'll never do it? I don't know anymore.
I feel like every day it feels harder to hold onto this life. I'm supposed to wait until the 25th, at the very soonest the night of the 17th.
My brain keeps coming up with shit to be scared of and nothing seems to make it better. I've tried believing in myself, going out, meeting with friends. Everything makes me want to get worse and to feel worse.
Every time I think I've found something new to be excited about, it wares off quick. Alcohol, nicotine, cutting, burning, DXM. I thought all of these were the best thing in the world until the novelty wore off.
Even hanging out with my friends makes me feel worse. The minute I'm not in an active conversation I just start thinking about running away and killing myself right then and there.
I'm scared I won't commit to it, I wanna die so bad but it hurts to know that I've backed out before. I knew I'd regret bailing and 5 months later I still do.
I pray to God every night that this time it works, I've been getting back into tarot and using my pendulum to try and reassure myself that it will. I know the answers will be biased but that's alright. As long as it makes me feel better.
I don't even know why I post anymore, I'm not adding anything people haven't heard before but it makes me feel better. I hate this so much. I have everything I could ever want and I'm just fucked up. I hope I get reincarnated as somebody who can make use of this life.
I'm a bad person too. I know everyone's first instinct is to deny that when I say it but I really am. I'm too ashamed to even say why I think it but you have to believe me when I say it's true. I need a different brain.
All I can do is keep praying that I don't back out this time, maybe some miracle combination of alcohol, DPH and DXM will fix it. What if I'm making all this suicidal shit up and something deep in me knows I'll never do it? I don't know anymore.
