Tomorrow is the day. I can't justify staying here any longer. No matter what happens tomorrow, things will be different.
Tonight is the last night I will be allowed to live in my home. I've talked about my experiences with homelessness already so I won't repeat myself. It's not a life I'm willing to live again. I'm facing potential life long homelessness. It's not just a rough patch anymore.
I will be using the shallow water blackout method, with partial suspension as plan B. This will be my fourth attempt on my life. Not exactly a good track record. Who knows, maybe I don't even have it in me to do it. My failures definitely imply that right? Unfortunately, I feel it in my heart it's different this time. I was never faced with such a serious outcome if I fail. There's not much of a life to come back to if I live, is there.
This is also my second goodbye here. It's a horrible thing to make somebody lose you more than once. I get that...but I think withholding closure from them is just as bad too. I don't care if it's seen as attention seeking or egotistical or blah blah...I just want to say goodbye is all.
This forum has done wonders for making my time easier to handle. So many of you have spent honest time and enegry supporting me in whatever way you can. All the PM talks that gave me connections when I needed them the most. Truly priceless. I don't want to name names, but you know who you are.
I wish I wanted to spend the rest of my time here replying to as many posts and talking to as many people as I could. I feel empty, i gave you guys as much of myself as I think I could.
Some if you are probably rolling your eyes at me. "oh he will be back" well guess what, maybe I will be. Maybe I'll fuck up tomorrow like I fucked up the last 3 times. Maybe I lacked the strength to do it the whole time and I'll give up at the last second.
But maybe I won't. I hope I won't. I can't mess this up. The life I have for
myself beyond tomorrow is not meant for anybody on earth. I will truly be giving it my all to ensure I'm not here for it.
If I do fail, because I can be honest, I know there is a chance of that happening...I will not return be returning here soon. This forum will be forcibly shot very far down my priority list if I'm to start my new life anyway. I will be a different person. I will not be able to continue participating how I have been before. I don't know how to make you any promises, I can't really. Im not prepared to just jump right back in here if I can't KTB. But this place has taken over a very special place in my heart. If that heart still beats, I'm sure it will eventually lead me back here.
So assume what you want of my impending absence. Hope for the best and expect the worst. No matter how me and you have interacted here, even if we never did, you all have my love. Cue the cheesy music because everyone here has touched my soul and you deserve to know it. All I ask from you, is a simple goodbye. Anything beyond that, you're still free to say, and I'd love to hear it.
I've spent my day watching movies, and I'd like to finish my day like that. I will read and reply to whatever you have to say to me here, but I only promise I will do that before I go tomorrow. For right now, I want to be with myself. I'll also be sending out PMs to everyone I've been talking to through it. I've promised to you that I will say goodbye properly, and I will.
I can't thank you all enough. I hope all of you achieve the peace you seek. Life isn't fair. That's about as simple as you can explain it.
Tonight is the last night I will be allowed to live in my home. I've talked about my experiences with homelessness already so I won't repeat myself. It's not a life I'm willing to live again. I'm facing potential life long homelessness. It's not just a rough patch anymore.
I will be using the shallow water blackout method, with partial suspension as plan B. This will be my fourth attempt on my life. Not exactly a good track record. Who knows, maybe I don't even have it in me to do it. My failures definitely imply that right? Unfortunately, I feel it in my heart it's different this time. I was never faced with such a serious outcome if I fail. There's not much of a life to come back to if I live, is there.
This is also my second goodbye here. It's a horrible thing to make somebody lose you more than once. I get that...but I think withholding closure from them is just as bad too. I don't care if it's seen as attention seeking or egotistical or blah blah...I just want to say goodbye is all.
This forum has done wonders for making my time easier to handle. So many of you have spent honest time and enegry supporting me in whatever way you can. All the PM talks that gave me connections when I needed them the most. Truly priceless. I don't want to name names, but you know who you are.
I wish I wanted to spend the rest of my time here replying to as many posts and talking to as many people as I could. I feel empty, i gave you guys as much of myself as I think I could.
Some if you are probably rolling your eyes at me. "oh he will be back" well guess what, maybe I will be. Maybe I'll fuck up tomorrow like I fucked up the last 3 times. Maybe I lacked the strength to do it the whole time and I'll give up at the last second.
But maybe I won't. I hope I won't. I can't mess this up. The life I have for
myself beyond tomorrow is not meant for anybody on earth. I will truly be giving it my all to ensure I'm not here for it.
If I do fail, because I can be honest, I know there is a chance of that happening...I will not return be returning here soon. This forum will be forcibly shot very far down my priority list if I'm to start my new life anyway. I will be a different person. I will not be able to continue participating how I have been before. I don't know how to make you any promises, I can't really. Im not prepared to just jump right back in here if I can't KTB. But this place has taken over a very special place in my heart. If that heart still beats, I'm sure it will eventually lead me back here.
So assume what you want of my impending absence. Hope for the best and expect the worst. No matter how me and you have interacted here, even if we never did, you all have my love. Cue the cheesy music because everyone here has touched my soul and you deserve to know it. All I ask from you, is a simple goodbye. Anything beyond that, you're still free to say, and I'd love to hear it.
I've spent my day watching movies, and I'd like to finish my day like that. I will read and reply to whatever you have to say to me here, but I only promise I will do that before I go tomorrow. For right now, I want to be with myself. I'll also be sending out PMs to everyone I've been talking to through it. I've promised to you that I will say goodbye properly, and I will.
I can't thank you all enough. I hope all of you achieve the peace you seek. Life isn't fair. That's about as simple as you can explain it.
