Rudeus_Greyrat
Member
- Oct 13, 2024
- 45
I'm trying to give myself and the universe one last chance, to see if there's truly something worth living for here while I wait for the CTB date I planned.
I'm trying to focus on coding. I'm trying to go the gym. To talk to people. To think about a life without my ex, or my brother.
But it's not working. Every single day I wake up, and I simply refuse to get up. My heart aches when I open my eyes. When I go to sleep, I'm so happy...
And when I wake up, I feel incredibly sad, being hit with yet another day in this world, remembering every sweet word, every promise unfulfilled, and all my expectations about a future that doesn't exist anymore, knowing that nothing will ever compare with what I had.
They left me behind, and they're living their best life. He doesn't care about me, at all. She probably already started seeing someone else, I don't know, she blocked me from seeing her stories on Instagram, and maybe that's for the better. I try to pretend that they are dead, but I'm not able to fool myself.
Meanwhile, I'm trapped in this room, surrounded by their memories in every corner. I started to walk for most of my day, because I literally can't stand being at home, while not even 2 months ago this place was my sanctuary, my oasis of peace. Our oasis of peace.
I tried to tell me to go and code, and try to live again, for 4 months starting today. But I can't stand this. It's unbearable. I had everything without having to suffer, and I don't see what else could I achieve in this life, even if I put all my efforts into it. I'm lonely. I'm forgotten. I barely exist anymore.
I only have 2 fears related to SN ordered from DMC:
- What if it's not pure enough, despite testing it with strips, for whatever reason? Taking 25 mg could still end up with me alive? Is there any way despite bringing it to a lab (no-go, too risky) that could allow me to be 100% sure that I won't fail?
- And if that's the case, will I end up with permanent damage, maybe something that doesn't allow me to try another CTB? I just wanna go to sleep and wake up in another world...
Please, help me to feel sure about this. I'm so tired...
I'm trying to focus on coding. I'm trying to go the gym. To talk to people. To think about a life without my ex, or my brother.
But it's not working. Every single day I wake up, and I simply refuse to get up. My heart aches when I open my eyes. When I go to sleep, I'm so happy...
And when I wake up, I feel incredibly sad, being hit with yet another day in this world, remembering every sweet word, every promise unfulfilled, and all my expectations about a future that doesn't exist anymore, knowing that nothing will ever compare with what I had.
They left me behind, and they're living their best life. He doesn't care about me, at all. She probably already started seeing someone else, I don't know, she blocked me from seeing her stories on Instagram, and maybe that's for the better. I try to pretend that they are dead, but I'm not able to fool myself.
Meanwhile, I'm trapped in this room, surrounded by their memories in every corner. I started to walk for most of my day, because I literally can't stand being at home, while not even 2 months ago this place was my sanctuary, my oasis of peace. Our oasis of peace.
I tried to tell me to go and code, and try to live again, for 4 months starting today. But I can't stand this. It's unbearable. I had everything without having to suffer, and I don't see what else could I achieve in this life, even if I put all my efforts into it. I'm lonely. I'm forgotten. I barely exist anymore.
I only have 2 fears related to SN ordered from DMC:
- What if it's not pure enough, despite testing it with strips, for whatever reason? Taking 25 mg could still end up with me alive? Is there any way despite bringing it to a lab (no-go, too risky) that could allow me to be 100% sure that I won't fail?
- And if that's the case, will I end up with permanent damage, maybe something that doesn't allow me to try another CTB? I just wanna go to sleep and wake up in another world...
Please, help me to feel sure about this. I'm so tired...
